Anonymous wrote:Thanks, it's helpful to see the different stories. Wish I had a crystal ball! Will keep on muddling through...

Do your best and be kind to yourself. You will make some mistakes, but you will also have lots of wins!

Thanks, it's helpful to see the different stories. Wish I had a crystal ball! Will keep on muddling through...

My son is doing pretty well as a freshman at a mid-level regional state university. He does use his accommodations of 50% extra time and written lecture notes occasionally. Socially, it is tough. I could always manufacture social opportunities for him -- mostly through sports, group vacations, lots of family friends with kids, etc -- while he was living at home. He continues to have a number of "acquaintances," and he blends in pretty well. But he has never had a close friend, and he has never dated. I really don't think that will change much as he grows older. If anything, it will probably solidify. But, he plays on a club sports team in college, has a nice roommate, plays on some intramural teams, and talks about certain people in his classes. I suppose as long as he is productive and healthy and somewhat content with life, we will call it a win.

Anonymous wrote:What is HFA

It stands for "High Functioning Autism"

https://www.verywellhealth.com/why-high-functioning-autism-is-so-challenging-259951

Our daughter was diagnosed later -- freshman year of HS and I have very mixed feelings about it. In some ways it was good to know, but in other ways I think it just created a label. She has depression, OCD, anxiety, and HFA. She's been in therapy since her freshman year -- she's now 22, almost 23 and is a college graduate. They never really knew how to help her. She had friends in high school and friends in college. A small group, but they were always supportive. She's never had a boyfriend, she would desperately love a boyfriend, but it hasn't worked out so far. She dates, but it is through dating apps. Personally I think her awkwardness is worse now in her 20's than it's been at any other time. I'm not sure how much of that is HFA and how much of it is COVID related (she graduated HS in 2020 and then her freshman year of college was in quarantine). She's looking for a job, but no luck. She worked a little in college, but did not do an internship. We honestly struggle with how to help/support her. She is currently living at home.

I want to give you hope but I’m in a sucky place right now. Kid just failed classes in college and is taking next semester off. Self advocacy is still a developing skill.

However although that is hard and messy, he is growing up and has been able to create some social connections and has made a few friends. Still lonely a lot of the time but it’s getting better. It is a very slow process but I feel fairly hopeful. Life is better now than in middle school; I wouldn’t want to go back.

What is HFA

Anonymous wrote:Tell me what the trajectory has been for your HFA child? We're having a difficult time (middle school) and I need to see some light at the end of the tunnel. If your child had a hard time in middle school, socially or otherwise, did it improve? What do you think you did or didn't do that helped?

In middle school, DC’s social life was manufactured through participation in activities. They were in orchestra, scouts, and our congregation’s youth group. They also went to a once a week social skills group from 4th grade to 12th - this is where they learned some socialization techniques. They group also helped them with issues they experienced in their other activities. The facilitator, a LCSW, felt that the only way to get to be social was interaction so several activities were encouraged.

When they went to college, they went through a 5? Day program at the school that helped kids acclimate to the school. Most school have some sort of freshman program like this. It usually costs extra, but is really worth it for most students regardless of their social skill set. They also picked three clubs to join and go to at least three times. They ended up really liking and building up a great friend group at one of the clubs. Freshman year was a bit rocky as they did not get along with their roommate and their room was supposed to be a single but was forced to be a double. Early spring semester, they ended up moving to a different room and it worked out. However, before they moved out they ended spending most of their time besides sleeping out of their room and that fostered more interactions. They also called almost nightly for the first two months to download their day and talk about what was happening the next day.

They have told me that they think their social skills class was integral to their college success as it gave them some tools they ended up using. (Mainly things that come naturally to others). The social skills class was at Improving Outcomes in Falls Church.

Picking a school was important. Things that helped - the brother of one of his friends in the social skills class had a brother at the school. We met with him on our visit and they connected very well. He gave quite a bit of excellent advice. DC is in the stereotypical HFA box - in that they are excellent at math and science and wanted to major in Engineering. They also ended up majoring in Computer Engineering which seems to attract even more people with that kind of mind. As a result, in school and now at their job, they are closer to the “norm” than they were in high school. There are also others that are similar and they connect with each other. His college friend group is still going strong and they visit each other several times a year and still have a weekly online game night. They went to Purdue, which seemed really far away- but the Midwest seems to be more accepting of HFA than NOVA.

They did several internships and were offered a job after their rising senior year internship. Five years later, they are still at that job having received one promotion and are about to receive a second. During this time, they did a company sponsored Masters program that went online and stayed online during a COVID. They lived at home for two years and commuted and 2-3 years ago got their own apartment and seem to be doing well- although they really need to find a cleaning lady. Their progress continues. They are still very rigid about somethings but can function in their own way. While they have made friends and have activities, they have never dated. That may come in time (they are still in their twenties ) or it may not. I am hopeful.

Their trajectory has been slow and steady and built up over time.

We've had an unusual journey with our 21 yo dd . She was actually very popular, outgoing, and masked extremely well until the end of high school. She was dx with ADHD at 12, but wasn't dx HFA until she was 19. When increased skills were needed and added stress of COVID, college, meeting ALL new people instead of the ties of being friends with people from sports or since kindergarten, etc - that's when she ran into a wall.
She's still struggling with increasing demands as she prepares to enter the workforce (she's a senior). She did well in her internship (was offered a full time job from the internship!), but it was very taxing. She has over a 3.9 GPA and has been very focused on her studies (to the detriment of pretty much everything else). She's struggled with anxiety and depression for about 4 years. It has gotten better, but she's not herself and is very sad that she is "weird" and "missing" so many things. She hasn't had a romantic life (she said she's ready to think about it, so fingers crossed!) and college social scene is pretty difficult (not a partier and doesn't know where to met people like herself - she was dx during college, so we didn't pursue specific schools that are good for kids with autism. She goes to a midsize school about an hour away, which was necessary for stress relief, doctor appointments, etc. She did move off campus with a friend/acquaintance this year. She plans on moving home to save money upon graduation for 6ish months to save money before getting an apartment in the city near her job.

Let me know if you have specific questions. We're really just starting this journey since she was dx later. We're moving from survival mode to sustainable strategies as we prepare for graduation in a few months. Good luck! It's so hard to watch them suffer. I think the most important things we've done are to find a social group for adults (she's starting one in a few weeks, finally!), focusing on a schedule, stress management. Growing up, she had sports as her primary outlet and made a lot of friends that way. They started to abandon her when her anxiety and depression kicked in and she withdrew.

Does your child have specific fave activities?

Tell me what the trajectory has been for your HFA child? We're having a difficult time (middle school) and I need to see some light at the end of the tunnel. If your child had a hard time in middle school, socially or otherwise, did it improve? What do you think you did or didn't do that helped?