Label your mom's emotion even if she gets really mad. She is hiding these things because she is scared and afraid of losing him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. They are on a pretty tight fixed budget but they don't like to accept a lot of help. They can meet all their basic needs but have little left over for any extras.

I tried to have an aging professional come in as an assessment to see what they need and I focused on how maybe they could provide physiotherapy as that is pretty neutral but she refused to have the person come. Again, she said down the road maybe that would be helpful but they don't need help now.

My parents are both early 80s but my mother is very healthy and considers herself still very young and doesn't want any reminders of aging or her age or insinuations she is 'old'.

My father would love to move as their house is a lot of work but my mother won't even consider it. She is deep in denial land and being quite self centered / selfish in her thinking.

They cannot afford your suggestions and you are unreasonable.

How does that fit with the mother being unwilling to use assistance aids that were already purchased and paid for?

Anonymous wrote:OP here. They are on a pretty tight fixed budget but they don't like to accept a lot of help. They can meet all their basic needs but have little left over for any extras.

I tried to have an aging professional come in as an assessment to see what they need and I focused on how maybe they could provide physiotherapy as that is pretty neutral but she refused to have the person come. Again, she said down the road maybe that would be helpful but they don't need help now.

My parents are both early 80s but my mother is very healthy and considers herself still very young and doesn't want any reminders of aging or her age or insinuations she is 'old'.

My father would love to move as their house is a lot of work but my mother won't even consider it. She is deep in denial land and being quite self centered / selfish in her thinking.

They cannot afford your suggestions and you are unreasonable.

If they safety is at risk, your Mother's wants can be disregarded. Move him. She's either follows or she doesn't. I bet she will.

Anonymous wrote:Hire an aging care expert to assess his needs. Tell her you will leave her alone if the expert thinks these things aren’t needed.

I like this idea.

I'd have a come to Jesus with your mom and then tell her you will accept the advice of the aging care expert if she will.

Do you think there is a possibility that she is trying to hasten his death so he doesn’t experience a long protracted Parkinson’s decline?

OP here. They are on a pretty tight fixed budget but they don't like to accept a lot of help. They can meet all their basic needs but have little left over for any extras.

I tried to have an aging professional come in as an assessment to see what they need and I focused on how maybe they could provide physiotherapy as that is pretty neutral but she refused to have the person come. Again, she said down the road maybe that would be helpful but they don't need help now.

My parents are both early 80s but my mother is very healthy and considers herself still very young and doesn't want any reminders of aging or her age or insinuations she is 'old'.

My father would love to move as their house is a lot of work but my mother won't even consider it. She is deep in denial land and being quite self centered / selfish in her thinking.

sorry OP to hear this, I am in a similar boat. My dad has either parkinsons (atypical) or other neurological issue which makes mobility very challenging. I bought him a rollerator and a four point cane when I was out last because he was using ski poles as mobility aids (which are slippery and do not work well). My stepmother dislikes the look/bulk of the rollerator and cane and told me that my dad's issues were "mostly in his head" and makes him use only the ski poles. Well, she did until he fell and gashed that head wide open. Now I guess he is allowed to use the cane. But either she is in denial or doesn't care (she once said that she would sooner divorce than sleep next to my dad if he needed a cpap--seriously?!). She still refuses to put things in like hand rails in the bathroom and move boxes out of the hallway. He sees a physical therapist now who has been gently suggesting changes. It can't come from me since stepmother hates me and anyone she perceives as intervening in her authority. My dad goes along with it because she flies in to fits of rages at the smallest provocation, but its sad to see and hard to take.

How old is your Mother? And what are their finances? Do you know their finances, someone should.

If they can afford it, they should be moved. Especially if she is 80+, the time is now. "Now" doesn't need to be a precise timeline, but it's close enough. She is also incapable.

+1 for getting a third party involved. Watching them make things harder for themselves is almost as bad as watching nature take its course.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. yes, he needs them. He has fallen twice recently in the bathtub - he needs bars to hold onto. He is getting 'stuck' in the old chair he has as it tilts back and he can't get out. They won't let me replace the chair so I got a handle he can use to pull himself forward in the chair so he can get out. Utensils with bigger handles. Those types of things.

An aging professional will know how to talk to the elderly to make this all more palatable. Sometimes when our very difficult, it helps to get an outsider involved with expertise. Sometimes they even behave and fall into line right away because they don't want the outsider to see how irrational they are, other times, the denial is deep, but they can start to process things when it's not your daughter or son telling you what to do.

OP here. yes, he needs them. He has fallen twice recently in the bathtub - he needs bars to hold onto. He is getting 'stuck' in the old chair he has as it tilts back and he can't get out. They won't let me replace the chair so I got a handle he can use to pull himself forward in the chair so he can get out. Utensils with bigger handles. Those types of things.

Hire an aging care expert to assess his needs. Tell her you will leave her alone if the expert thinks these things aren’t needed.

It's really hard to watch this dynamic unfold between two old people, OP. However, does he really need all the aids you've purchased for him right now? It may be best for him to continue using his muscles as long as possible.

My MIL has had Parkinson's for more than 20 years and has done extensive physical therapy to keep herself moving for as long as possible. Now she's at the stage where she can't safely be alone and standing. She needs a walker plus someone there at her elbow in case of falls. For outings, she uses a wheelchair. She needs help for her toilette. But for the longest time, her doctors advised her to stay independently active for as long as possible, so she could keep exercising her balance and muscles. 4 years ago, she was walking up the stairs to her 4th floor condo all by herself! Food-wise, she's lost a lot of weight, despite all our efforts to hire a cook from her homeland to make delicious little meals for her. We can't force her to swallow. She's lost her sense of taste and isn't hungry.

If you're correct and he really needs the aids, you've got a real problem on your hands to separate these two eventually (put your father in a home), or hopefully not separate them but force a rotating cast of aides into the house, so he can get adequate care from people other than his wife. Unfortunately he might end up falling and breaking something before his wife accepts the reality of his situation.

My father has Parkinsons (for years) and is struggling more and more with basic life tasks. My mother is in denial and insists he is fine and just getting lazy and unmotivated to do things. She gets quite frustrated with him. We have started buying him adapative tools to help him but she takes them and hides them in the basement and says thanks, when he gets to the point of needing them I will bring them out. She seems to think that if he uses something to help him it is enabling him to be lazy. She also doesn't want any visible reminders that he has Parkinsons and she says having any mobility aids around is depressing and makes her feel old. We also bought him meal supplements as he wasn't eating well and she took those away as well and squirelled them away in her basement too.

My father just goes along with whaever he does. He doesn't want to be a burden on her or make her feel down, so he doesn't ask for anything and agrees to whatever she wants.

I am not sure how to deal with her. She thinks that as long as she pretends all is well, then it is.