Anonymous wrote:I would actually try to take a couple steps til I improve and help prolong the situation. I would talk her into getting a storage unit to store some of her stuff. I would hire a home healthcare helper and maid to come in a few days a week.

Best case scenario she passes away peacefully in her sleep at home and he keeps the house and he/you can afford a maid/helper to help keep him stable there.

Thanks, I think we're going to talk to a social worker next week about taking some of these steps. We just want her to be safe.

We've spoken to him about having to sell the house and he just refuses to understand that will happen. He can't afford to keep it; the property taxes will revert back to normal level (currently a senior rate) of $12k a year. He made $24k last year. We also can't help with these costs or paying for an aide for him. I think we could take the proceeds from the house and buy him a small condo, but he'd have to pay for monthly dues, power, etc. However, he tells us weekly how we've ruined his life, we don't want to help him, and tht he's not leaving, so we're sort of at a loss (much of this is the mental health issues rearing their ugly heads).

Thanks for the advice.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is the son?

He's 58

There may be some continuing care communities that would accept a 58 year old (the one I’m looking at is 62)

I would actually try to take a couple steps til I improve and help prolong the situation. I would talk her into getting a storage unit to store some of her stuff. I would hire a home healthcare helper and maid to come in a few days a week.

Best case scenario she passes away peacefully in her sleep at home and he keeps the house and he/you can afford a maid/helper to help keep him stable there.

Who owns the house? Did she make BIL a co-owner? If so, very complicated.

Can you get her to agree to allow a geriatric SW ore nurse to come in to assess to situation and make recommendations? The agency can give you ideas about how to "sell" it to her so it's palatable.

What are you seeing in MIL? Has she been assessed? What is BIL''s mental health issue?

Why do you think she needs memory care? Can she do basic life skills? If she can make him a sandwich, she probably doesn’t. Unfortunately, you’ll have to wait for an emergency. This level of enabling will never stop.

If you’re counting on proceeds from the sale of the house to fund her care, that will be your biggest problem. It might be difficult to sell if it’s a hoarder situation and if BIL won’t move out.

I would be investigating memory care facilities sooner rather than later. Does the BIL know the house needs to be sold?

Anonymous wrote:How old is the son?

He's 58

Anonymous wrote:Sorry but it just isn't something you can get ahead of at this point. Your MIL is not going to agree to leave her son and probably prefers living with him. So no amount of worrying or planning or preparing is going to result in much of anything. If she falls, she falls and if she needs to go to the hospital they will then send her to rehab.

Mentally ill brother has the house and works part time. He will have to figure it out. It is way cheaper everyday she can stay at home.

OP here, I think you're right. The whole situation is very sad and overwhelming, but there's really nothing we can do, execept wait for the inevitable emergency.

Sorry but it just isn't something you can get ahead of at this point. Your MIL is not going to agree to leave her son and probably prefers living with him. So no amount of worrying or planning or preparing is going to result in much of anything. If she falls, she falls and if she needs to go to the hospital they will then send her to rehab.

Mentally ill brother has the house and works part time. He will have to figure it out. It is way cheaper everyday she can stay at home.

No, he cannot go into assisted living.

I had a similar situation. We had home caregivers who did everything. Actually they didn’t live in but closeby and covered 12 hrs per day.

You get the elderly person into a nursing home with memory ward. The adult brother fends for himself.

How old is the son?

My MIL lives in the Midwest in a house she own with her son, who has some mental health issues that seem to be getting worse. Her other son is my DH and this situation has him stressed.

MIL’s memory has gone downhill recently. She has lost a lot of short term memory and is living in a semi hoarder situation with BIL. We will likely need to move her into memory care soon but what do we do with mentally ill BIL?

Wr have tried to get him help via several state agencies but he won’t participate or engage with them (won’t answer their calls or respond to emails) and since he’s an adult we can’t force him to do anything.

Can he live in an assisted living facility with her? We have bid idea how any of this works and we don’t know where he would go if she needed memory care. She owns her house outright, but it would need to be sold for her care. He has a PT job but doesn’t pay or contribute to any bills. She still makes his lunch.

Where do you even begin with a situation like this? I am trying to get ahead of it but I fear an emergency is coming our way soon. What happens if she falls and has to go into assisted living ?