Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure your mom is telling the truth? Probably she is but there is a possibility. My husband's ex made all kinds of accusations against him to cover up and justify her affair and her leaving to be with her AP and keeping the kids from him. She even said that he never paid child support, alimony, etc when 30+ years later she still gets alimony and will for the rest of his/her life. (they were married 10 years so she made off very well) The kids think he was abusive and had the affair, neither of which was true.

Op here. Yes, she is being truthful. Outside of abuse to her, he has a very, very lengthy arrest record from assaults and battery charges, duis, etc.. he was a violent man to most who did know him even growing up in the town he was from before moving to this larger metropolitan area where the same cycle continued. For a period he became a preacher, involved in a church, it seems to be the standard cycle for someone like this.

Thank you to all PPs for all of your advice as well!

I would not do anything for someone like this nor would I have any contact.

Don’t get involved. At all.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure your mom is telling the truth? Probably she is but there is a possibility. My husband's ex made all kinds of accusations against him to cover up and justify her affair and her leaving to be with her AP and keeping the kids from him. She even said that he never paid child support, alimony, etc when 30+ years later she still gets alimony and will for the rest of his/her life. (they were married 10 years so she made off very well) The kids think he was abusive and had the affair, neither of which was true.

Op here. Yes, she is being truthful. Outside of abuse to her, he has a very, very lengthy arrest record from assaults and battery charges, duis, etc.. he was a violent man to most who did know him even growing up in the town he was from before moving to this larger metropolitan area where the same cycle continued. For a period he became a preacher, involved in a church, it seems to be the standard cycle for someone like this.

Thank you to all PPs for all of your advice as well!

I wouldn’t spend any time or money on his care. Maybe do the paperwork to get him into a nursing home. He can live out his years there isolated and heavily sedated. That is what he deserves.

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure your mom is telling the truth? Probably she is but there is a possibility. My husband's ex made all kinds of accusations against him to cover up and justify her affair and her leaving to be with her AP and keeping the kids from him. She even said that he never paid child support, alimony, etc when 30+ years later she still gets alimony and will for the rest of his/her life. (they were married 10 years so she made off very well) The kids think he was abusive and had the affair, neither of which was true.

Op here. Yes, she is being truthful. Outside of abuse to her, he has a very, very lengthy arrest record from assaults and battery charges, duis, etc.. he was a violent man to most who did know him even growing up in the town he was from before moving to this larger metropolitan area where the same cycle continued. For a period he became a preacher, involved in a church, it seems to be the standard cycle for someone like this.

Thank you to all PPs for all of your advice as well!

I would not care for a parent who was physically abusive and not involved in my life.

My living parent was emotionally and verbally abusive at times, but could be loving and kind too-and I was always properly fed, had a home, and everything I needed and more. It's all complicated. I was very involved with her care, but the abusive behaviors (never physical) became too much to bear so I outsource everything and am distant, but cordial. I make sure she is safe and cared for, but I don't monitor closely and don't allow any tirades.

I would not. Sorry, not sorry.

Are you sure your mom is telling the truth? Probably she is but there is a possibility. My husband's ex made all kinds of accusations against him to cover up and justify her affair and her leaving to be with her AP and keeping the kids from him. She even said that he never paid child support, alimony, etc when 30+ years later she still gets alimony and will for the rest of his/her life. (they were married 10 years so she made off very well) The kids think he was abusive and had the affair, neither of which was true.

The other friends and his siblings’ families he visited can take care of him.

You owe him nothing. I hate when people play the family and blood cards. Such bullsht. I'm adopted, and you can be sure I am taking care of my parents who raised me and loved me. If my birth mother suddenly popped up out of nowhere asking me to care for her, I don't think anyone here but the trolls would suggest that it's my obligation to do so. I don't see why it's any different for OP.

My father was extremely cruel and abusive towards my mom. She is outliving him but my siblings and I had discussed what we would do with the reverse situation, where it was only him without her to look after him. Honestly I was afraid of him and the cruel things he would say until the day he died and we never sensed that he actually liked any of us or our children or our spouses. We would probably have put him in a nursing home and forced ourselves to visit a couple of times a year but we couldn’t have befriended him and looked after him because he didn’t like us. I guess there are a lot of lonely old people in nursing homes and at least some of them bear some responsibility for ending up in that situation.

Anonymous wrote:Do not care for him. If you do, you will be victimizing yourself. And anyone who suggests that it’s your responsibility to care for him should get a big, long earful of the history of how he treated you and your mother.

Do not care for him. Do not sacrifice yourself in that horrible way. The people whose lives he was in can figure it out for him.

I agree. Don't make yourself a victim. If it weighs on your conscience, help him qualify for government assistance at most. There's no need to visit or send money.

You do not owe him a thing. If you choose to offer assistance, you can help him get set up with long term care Medicaid and placed in the best Medicaid nursing home available. Then check in on him often enough, if you want, to let the staff know there's someone watching his care. It's tragic, but residents who are completely abandoned get worse care than if there's someone regularly checking in. But again, it's not your obligation AT ALL towards someone who abandoned you and abused your mother.

Do not care for him. If you do, you will be victimizing yourself. And anyone who suggests that it’s your responsibility to care for him should get a big, long earful of the history of how he treated you and your mother.

Do not care for him. Do not sacrifice yourself in that horrible way. The people whose lives he was in can figure it out for him.

Of course he only started coming around you as he’s aged, in hopes you would care for him. I would not offer care.

I hadn’t received all the details of my father’s abuse toward my mother until the other day - stitches, hospital trips, cheating, lies, all of the usual. It seemed he had some psychiatric issues along the way as well.

I never knew him growing up, as an adult, he began coming around probably 15 years ago, visiting. I’m late thirties. Unbeknownst to me, he was an active involved adult in the lives of his friends and his siblings children. I’ve never met any of them.

He’s now in advanced dementia and remembers only my name, he was living alone. He’s destitute and in need of care.

I can’t help but wonder if he began coming around in the hopes that one day I’d care for him?

I am the only child of my mother and father together and there is nothing known of any other existing children.

The other families and friends seemed to push the idea that I care for him based upon the one who was able to contact me.

I’m not even sure if therapy can guide me at this point.

Did anyone elect to care for someone like this?