Anonymous
12/22/2024 13:08
Subject: I haven’t heard anyone express this and I may be alone. Parent’s dementia scenarios are causing me confusion/misremember
^reflected, not rejected
Anonymous
12/22/2024 13:06
Subject: I haven’t heard anyone express this and I may be alone. Parent’s dementia scenarios are causing me confusion/misremember
Anonymous wrote:What you describe sounds a bit like anxiety to me OP. Your brain just starts spinning even if it isn’t 100% logical. A non-anxious brain is more able to shrug it off and say “yeah, that’s probably not true or worth my time thinking further about”.
+1 the mind racing over memories that don’t really have any consequence to your life - perhaps a bit of rumination/OCD? Is it rejected in other areas of your life?
Anonymous
12/21/2024 18:23
Subject: I haven’t heard anyone express this and I may be alone. Parent’s dementia scenarios are causing me confusion/misremember
OP, I know what you mean. When my mom first began to make random stuff up, I would immediately start a fight with her about it, because I pride myself on my own memory and she used to be an editor and fact-checker and I think I was really resisting the idea that she could be so stubbornly wrong. Now we (or I) have moved past the conflict stage, but when one of these questions about family history comes up, I go and check records as far as I have them and write down my own version for my reference. But I don't confront her with it.
In any case, I totally understand how living so closely with someone else's altered reality can start to make you question your own memories. It's yet another aspect of the isolation that comes with caregiving for the elderly.
In any case, I totally understand how living so closely with someone else's altered reality can start to make you question your own memories. It's yet another aspect of the isolation that comes with caregiving for the elderly.
Anonymous
12/21/2024 15:38
Subject: I haven’t heard anyone express this and I may be alone. Parent’s dementia scenarios are causing me confusion/misremember
I’ve also experienced this.
Unfortunately, there are very few ways left to fact check my mom.
Unfortunately, there are very few ways left to fact check my mom.
Anonymous
12/19/2024 08:43
Subject: Re:I haven’t heard anyone express this and I may be alone. Parent’s dementia scenarios are causing me confusion/misremember
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks PPs. What I’m referring to moreso is that it makes me question if I am remembering the event correctly?
I then spiral into whether I have it correct or if he does. Almost as if I am convinced that his version is accurate even if I know it’s not. My mind is reversing in some manner. Like I know he’s cognitively impaired but my mind is accepting his version as fact.
This one is more sensitive of an example:
Dad: Jane had two brothers and an abortion four times with four sons she would’ve had sons.
My mind: I know Jane had no children but is it true? Is this why? It can’t be because they wouldn’t have had gender ultrasounds back then. I then started researching the subject. My mind now always thinks of what if Jane had those abortions and that’s why she had no children.
Sometimes it’s smaller things:
Dad: Judy called me yesterday.
My mind: Did Judy call? Maybe I didn’t realize she had the number. Would she have called? My mind races with thoughts.
I’m not sure how to even describe this. Is this gaslighting myself?
I hadn’t heard of anyone else experiencing this and I’m not sure if its a form of anxiety, if it’s some type of forming mental incapacitation in me, or absolutely normal?
Maybe because he's always been infallible and an authority figure. My dad is really smart and I would be inclined to believe him from habit or instinct... until it's not the case anymore, right?
I just don't understand this at all, OP. Honestly. I have dealt for years with my parents' dementia and have never once thought to give a second thought to the things they say, stories they tell, etc. Every now and then my sister will follow up on something odd my mom said with me, and I just tell her the same thing: why are you even asking about this? Maybe I just have too much stress in other areas of my life to give this any energy, but I just can't understand, as I said, even giving these stories the tiniest bit of head space. Sorry.
OP, I 1000% experience this and what's more, many people in my caregiving support group experience the same. It seems especially true in circumstances where: the family of origin had some serious trauma they kept secret; the family has seen cognitive decline for a while but is struggling to accept it; and where the kids are in midlife and may be going through changes themselves in cognition (perimenopause).
I know for myself, I had been dreading my mom's dementia my entire life. And when she got ill, it felt like the experiences I had as a kid where she minimized the abuse I saw (and really made me question what was real). Through therapy, I also realized that it somehow seemed less upsetting if I was losing my mind than if she was.
Hugs. You're not alone. It's common, and with support and time, it will abate.
Anonymous
12/19/2024 07:58
Subject: I haven’t heard anyone express this and I may be alone. Parent’s dementia scenarios are causing me confusion/misremember
What you describe sounds a bit like anxiety to me OP. Your brain just starts spinning even if it isn’t 100% logical. A non-anxious brain is more able to shrug it off and say “yeah, that’s probably not true or worth my time thinking further about”.
Anonymous
12/19/2024 07:01
Subject: Re:I haven’t heard anyone express this and I may be alone. Parent’s dementia scenarios are causing me confusion/misremember
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks PPs. What I’m referring to moreso is that it makes me question if I am remembering the event correctly?
I then spiral into whether I have it correct or if he does. Almost as if I am convinced that his version is accurate even if I know it’s not. My mind is reversing in some manner. Like I know he’s cognitively impaired but my mind is accepting his version as fact.
This one is more sensitive of an example:
Dad: Jane had two brothers and an abortion four times with four sons she would’ve had sons.
My mind: I know Jane had no children but is it true? Is this why? It can’t be because they wouldn’t have had gender ultrasounds back then. I then started researching the subject. My mind now always thinks of what if Jane had those abortions and that’s why she had no children.
Sometimes it’s smaller things:
Dad: Judy called me yesterday.
My mind: Did Judy call? Maybe I didn’t realize she had the number. Would she have called? My mind races with thoughts.
I’m not sure how to even describe this. Is this gaslighting myself?
I hadn’t heard of anyone else experiencing this and I’m not sure if its a form of anxiety, if it’s some type of forming mental incapacitation in me, or absolutely normal?
Maybe because he's always been infallible and an authority figure. My dad is really smart and I would be inclined to believe him from habit or instinct... until it's not the case anymore, right?
I just don't understand this at all, OP. Honestly. I have dealt for years with my parents' dementia and have never once thought to give a second thought to the things they say, stories they tell, etc. Every now and then my sister will follow up on something odd my mom said with me, and I just tell her the same thing: why are you even asking about this? Maybe I just have too much stress in other areas of my life to give this any energy, but I just can't understand, as I said, even giving these stories the tiniest bit of head space. Sorry.
Anonymous
12/19/2024 06:51
Subject: Re:I haven’t heard anyone express this and I may be alone. Parent’s dementia scenarios are causing me confusion/misremember
Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks PPs. What I’m referring to moreso is that it makes me question if I am remembering the event correctly?
I then spiral into whether I have it correct or if he does. Almost as if I am convinced that his version is accurate even if I know it’s not. My mind is reversing in some manner. Like I know he’s cognitively impaired but my mind is accepting his version as fact.
This one is more sensitive of an example:
Dad: Jane had two brothers and an abortion four times with four sons she would’ve had sons.
My mind: I know Jane had no children but is it true? Is this why? It can’t be because they wouldn’t have had gender ultrasounds back then. I then started researching the subject. My mind now always thinks of what if Jane had those abortions and that’s why she had no children.
Sometimes it’s smaller things:
Dad: Judy called me yesterday.
My mind: Did Judy call? Maybe I didn’t realize she had the number. Would she have called? My mind races with thoughts.
I’m not sure how to even describe this. Is this gaslighting myself?
I hadn’t heard of anyone else experiencing this and I’m not sure if its a form of anxiety, if it’s some type of forming mental incapacitation in me, or absolutely normal?
Maybe because he's always been infallible and an authority figure. My dad is really smart and I would be inclined to believe him from habit or instinct... until it's not the case anymore, right?
Anonymous
12/19/2024 06:19
Subject: Re:I haven’t heard anyone express this and I may be alone. Parent’s dementia scenarios are causing me confusion/misremember
Op here. Thanks PPs. What I’m referring to moreso is that it makes me question if I am remembering the event correctly?
I then spiral into whether I have it correct or if he does. Almost as if I am convinced that his version is accurate even if I know it’s not. My mind is reversing in some manner. Like I know he’s cognitively impaired but my mind is accepting his version as fact.
This one is more sensitive of an example:
Dad: Jane had two brothers and an abortion four times with four sons she would’ve had sons.
My mind: I know Jane had no children but is it true? Is this why? It can’t be because they wouldn’t have had gender ultrasounds back then. I then started researching the subject. My mind now always thinks of what if Jane had those abortions and that’s why she had no children.
Sometimes it’s smaller things:
Dad: Judy called me yesterday.
My mind: Did Judy call? Maybe I didn’t realize she had the number. Would she have called? My mind races with thoughts.
I’m not sure how to even describe this. Is this gaslighting myself?
I hadn’t heard of anyone else experiencing this and I’m not sure if its a form of anxiety, if it’s some type of forming mental incapacitation in me, or absolutely normal?
I then spiral into whether I have it correct or if he does. Almost as if I am convinced that his version is accurate even if I know it’s not. My mind is reversing in some manner. Like I know he’s cognitively impaired but my mind is accepting his version as fact.
This one is more sensitive of an example:
Dad: Jane had two brothers and an abortion four times with four sons she would’ve had sons.
My mind: I know Jane had no children but is it true? Is this why? It can’t be because they wouldn’t have had gender ultrasounds back then. I then started researching the subject. My mind now always thinks of what if Jane had those abortions and that’s why she had no children.
Sometimes it’s smaller things:
Dad: Judy called me yesterday.
My mind: Did Judy call? Maybe I didn’t realize she had the number. Would she have called? My mind races with thoughts.
I’m not sure how to even describe this. Is this gaslighting myself?
I hadn’t heard of anyone else experiencing this and I’m not sure if its a form of anxiety, if it’s some type of forming mental incapacitation in me, or absolutely normal?
Anonymous
12/19/2024 05:45
Subject: I haven’t heard anyone express this and I may be alone. Parent’s dementia scenarios are causing me confusion/misremember
It’s just part of the disease. My theory is that it’s a combination of them not being able to recall the information so they just make something up that sounds plausible (to their diseased minds), and them trying to retain some sense of normalcy.
My mom would swear that in her memory care they were all locked in their rooms “for days” and not allowed to leave them and she never found out why. She’s mentioned this a few times. Staff has no clue what she’s talking about, and I have pictures of her enjoying activities on the days she purports she was locked down. We have cameras in her room so have been able to confirm that whatever she’s talking about never happened. However there have been a few instances where I’ve seen her on camera waking up at 2 or 3am and leaving her room- in those cases I’m sure the staff sent her back. So in her mind everyone is in lockdown.
Man I hate this disease so much.
My mom would swear that in her memory care they were all locked in their rooms “for days” and not allowed to leave them and she never found out why. She’s mentioned this a few times. Staff has no clue what she’s talking about, and I have pictures of her enjoying activities on the days she purports she was locked down. We have cameras in her room so have been able to confirm that whatever she’s talking about never happened. However there have been a few instances where I’ve seen her on camera waking up at 2 or 3am and leaving her room- in those cases I’m sure the staff sent her back. So in her mind everyone is in lockdown.
Man I hate this disease so much.
Anonymous
12/18/2024 21:44
Subject: I haven’t heard anyone express this and I may be alone. Parent’s dementia scenarios are causing me confusion/misremember
It is a common phenomenon with anyone with cognitive impairments such as dementia. It is called "false memories" - a clinically relevant memory distortion where a patient remembers an incorrect memory that they believe to be true or it is sometimes called confabulation where the person with dementia invents stories.
My mother with moderate dementia will hear a story then combine it with something in her life and retell a new version of events that are bizarre. Last week is that she divorced her husband (he died 15 years ago and they never divorced) and he went on to have two other children (never happened). But she is able to add details so to someone who doesn't know her it sounds really believable. For example, adding the street he lived on, it was two other boys that he had, her mother in law really liked the new wife better, etc.
My mother with moderate dementia will hear a story then combine it with something in her life and retell a new version of events that are bizarre. Last week is that she divorced her husband (he died 15 years ago and they never divorced) and he went on to have two other children (never happened). But she is able to add details so to someone who doesn't know her it sounds really believable. For example, adding the street he lived on, it was two other boys that he had, her mother in law really liked the new wife better, etc.
Anonymous
12/18/2024 21:03
Subject: I haven’t heard anyone express this and I may be alone. Parent’s dementia scenarios are causing me confusion/misremember
My dad isn’t diagnosed with any cognitive impairment but I am finding out the hard way that I can’t trust him on certain things. He would say one thing but then it’s another (it happened two and not three days ago or maybe even didn’t happen at all).
Anonymous
12/18/2024 20:40
Subject: I haven’t heard anyone express this and I may be alone. Parent’s dementia scenarios are causing me confusion/misremember
Oh yeah, I experience this all the time with my cognitively impaired parents. Nearly every other statement they make is “wrong” but it’s usually about inconsequential matters. For example, what they did or ate yesterday or what the weather was like, how long they’ve lived in their apartment, when they last fell or were sick, etc. To a stranger they sound perfectly competent, but I know they’re literally making stuff up (not on purpose of course).
I joke with DH that they’re always gaslighting me. I only correct them on major things (“Dad, Uncle Tom died 10 years ago so it must have been someone else you had lunch with yesterday”)
It’s hard to see your parents become vulnerable.
I joke with DH that they’re always gaslighting me. I only correct them on major things (“Dad, Uncle Tom died 10 years ago so it must have been someone else you had lunch with yesterday”)
It’s hard to see your parents become vulnerable.
Anonymous
12/18/2024 20:25
Subject: I haven’t heard anyone express this and I may be alone. Parent’s dementia scenarios are causing me confusion/misremember
Can you give an example?
Anonymous
12/18/2024 12:56
Subject: I haven’t heard anyone express this and I may be alone. Parent’s dementia scenarios are causing me confusion/misremember
I’ve found myself questioning if it’s me that is misremembering or I find myself confused and wondering if what they are saying actually happened.
I may be alone in this and I’m not sure who to even address it with or why it’s impacting me in this way, but I find myself questioning my own sanity almost.
Is it the kid inside of me wanting to trust that my parent is the same person they once were?
I may be alone in this and I’m not sure who to even address it with or why it’s impacting me in this way, but I find myself questioning my own sanity almost.
Is it the kid inside of me wanting to trust that my parent is the same person they once were?