Anonymous
12/08/2024 17:29
Subject: Mom in decline - home clean out
Yeah don't do anything now, unless it is literally throwing out trash. This is a vulnerable time for your mom, and "helping" her to declutter when she clearly has an emotional attachment to her stuff isn't going to make this time any easier for her. If it has waited all these years, it can wait a little longer.
I sympathize with you, as the child of people who couldn't part with anything. It is maddening!
I sympathize with you, as the child of people who couldn't part with anything. It is maddening!
Anonymous
12/08/2024 16:23
Subject: Mom in decline - home clean out
Anonymous wrote:My mom had an emergency surgery more than a month ago and since, has had complications, nearly died twice but survived. She’s now in a rehab facility but not doing great. She’s hasn’t walked yet and PT is a struggle. She’s 85 and was in ok health before all this, but lived a very sedentary lifestyle.
Mom’s house is incredibly cluttered and needs cleaning out. She has been resistant for years to us throwing out virtually anything.
So far, all the siblings have been on the same page related to mom’s care, etc but now one of us wants to clean everything out and have an estate sale. I’m not there yet. Mom probably isn’t coming home again but she would be furious if she knew we brought strangers in to go through all her stuff. Cleaning out, yes, let’s toss the junk. But the rest of it? Childhood toys, purses and shoes and a lifetime of papers and dishes and collectibles from travel? I’m just having a hard time with it emotionally. I guess bc I know if she finds out or questions me about it, I don’t want to lie and I know she will be upset if she knows we are just tossing her things.
Even my DH is pressuring me to start dumping everything in her house. I’m even worried about how it might affect her grandchildren, who don’t even have a clear picture why their grandma hasn’t come home yet…
I’m struggling and not sure what to do….
I understand why your siblings feel like there is a need to rush here - it's something everyone has wanted her to do for a long time, everyone knows they are going to have to handle it at some point, etc., but honestly, there is no real rush.
It seems very unlikely that your mother will come and live back in her home. Everyone needs to slow down and deal with that reality first. The stuff isn't going anywhere and whether it's handled now or in the New Year isn't going to make much of a difference - does anyone even have time right now? I'd agree with them that the cleanout will need to happen, but that you all need to concentrate on what's next for your mother first.
Anonymous
12/07/2024 16:53
Subject: Re:Mom in decline - home clean out
No. Don't toss anything out yet.
Sibling probably has been hearing all the horror stories of people our age who had to suddenly declutter a parent's home and wants to get ahead of the situation.
If one of you has legal POA, I would just go through the house for 3 things:
1) obvious garbage - toss it.
2) important paperwork and/or sentimental photos, mementos etc - store in labeled plastic boxes, piled neatly in a corner somewhere your mom won't immediately see if she comes home. The reason being - if you need to dejunk the home in a hurry, you will have already located all the sentimental or important stuff. Take the boxes at that time out of the house and people can quickly help you get rid of the rest.
3) attend to easy or urgent repairs that will have to happen anyhow to sell the house.
If your mom recovers enough to talk to you about the stuff in the house but it is clear she isn't going home - start asking her for permission to pass on some of her bulkier items. Say that the grandkids really need dishes, a set of drinking glasses, mugs, travel items for her classroom museum, etc. Let her think all her stuff she saved is going to a good home where people will love it forever!
Sibling probably has been hearing all the horror stories of people our age who had to suddenly declutter a parent's home and wants to get ahead of the situation.
If one of you has legal POA, I would just go through the house for 3 things:
1) obvious garbage - toss it.
2) important paperwork and/or sentimental photos, mementos etc - store in labeled plastic boxes, piled neatly in a corner somewhere your mom won't immediately see if she comes home. The reason being - if you need to dejunk the home in a hurry, you will have already located all the sentimental or important stuff. Take the boxes at that time out of the house and people can quickly help you get rid of the rest.
3) attend to easy or urgent repairs that will have to happen anyhow to sell the house.
If your mom recovers enough to talk to you about the stuff in the house but it is clear she isn't going home - start asking her for permission to pass on some of her bulkier items. Say that the grandkids really need dishes, a set of drinking glasses, mugs, travel items for her classroom museum, etc. Let her think all her stuff she saved is going to a good home where people will love it forever!
Anonymous
12/07/2024 16:39
Subject: Mom in decline - home clean out
It's pretty cruel to go into someone's house and clear out their belongings when there is a chance they may come home. It's also illegal unless POA has been signed. I would imagine your mom will at least want to go home for a visit. The kindest thing you could do is sort through and clear out blatant junk/debris and get the house professionally cleaned. Then I would pull out a few key holiday decorations that would be sentimental to your mom and set them up. At the very least show her a photo of them set up. It can do a lot to motivate one to get through the pt and get home.
Anonymous
12/07/2024 16:28
Subject: Mom in decline - home clean out
You trying to position that grandkids will care about this is ridiculous. That said, you don’t have to decide everything today. Tell your siblings that you first want to trash all the trash. Then, assume you will be 100% responsible for the clean out and set a schedule to get it done in 4 weeks. If siblings help, great. But if not, get it done. Then, see how much better it is and how you feel about it.
Personally, I would pay 800 Got Junk to clear massive amounts out, but I realize that I am not sentimental.
Personally, I would pay 800 Got Junk to clear massive amounts out, but I realize that I am not sentimental.
Anonymous
12/07/2024 11:56
Subject: Mom in decline - home clean out
I would leave it. This will all be so much easier and lower stress after she passes. You don't gain much by fighting this battle.
Anonymous
12/07/2024 11:21
Subject: Mom in decline - home clean out
Leave it, its not going anywhere.
Anonymous
12/07/2024 11:20
Subject: Mom in decline - home clean out
This is not a great time of year for estate sales. Even if you scheduled one now, you’d still have to do the cleanout to find personal papers and throw out the trash. I’d focus on that effort and then be prepared for an estate sale in the spring if the situation warrants it then.
Anonymous
12/07/2024 11:16
Subject: Mom in decline - home clean out
How much does your sibling know about estate sales? I think it’s fine to do some cleaning/sorting/disposing on your own, but estate sales cost money.
Maybe the antsy people could put their energy toward research.
Maybe the antsy people could put their energy toward research.
Anonymous
12/06/2024 19:01
Subject: Mom in decline - home clean out
I think one month after a major surgery is a bit soon. If you're having a company handle the estate sale, it doesn't really matter if you do it in a month or in a year. The only rush I can imagine is if you need the funds for her care, like a PP said.
That said I do think starting to get rid of the obvious junk would be fine. Let's be honest - your mom probably will never notice most of it is gone. If she asks, just say you rearranged boxes to make more space.
And the excuse of how to present it to your kids is pretty weak. Own it - say you don't think a month of rehab warrants an estate sale yet.
That said I do think starting to get rid of the obvious junk would be fine. Let's be honest - your mom probably will never notice most of it is gone. If she asks, just say you rearranged boxes to make more space.
And the excuse of how to present it to your kids is pretty weak. Own it - say you don't think a month of rehab warrants an estate sale yet.
Anonymous
12/06/2024 16:17
Subject: Re:Mom in decline - home clean out
Your mom not being quite ready for such a huge change is understandable.
You could go through her home and place all of the paperwork items in sealed plastic bins that are easy to store, for sifting through later (or not). Memorabilia could be treated similarly. This will make it easier for later selling, and from a privacy standpoint, remaining items would be less personal, though of course, not necessarily less sentimental.
That said, who has POA? Does your mom need to sell the home to cover her healthcare costs? If not, the push to do this does seem a bit premature. Either way, a discussion needs to be had where your mom is given the courtesy of giving her opinion on how she wants to proceed, and if moving/selling, on what cherished items she'd like to keep.
Does you mom still have a car? If so, why not start there?
You could go through her home and place all of the paperwork items in sealed plastic bins that are easy to store, for sifting through later (or not). Memorabilia could be treated similarly. This will make it easier for later selling, and from a privacy standpoint, remaining items would be less personal, though of course, not necessarily less sentimental.
That said, who has POA? Does your mom need to sell the home to cover her healthcare costs? If not, the push to do this does seem a bit premature. Either way, a discussion needs to be had where your mom is given the courtesy of giving her opinion on how she wants to proceed, and if moving/selling, on what cherished items she'd like to keep.
Does you mom still have a car? If so, why not start there?
Anonymous
12/06/2024 16:12
Subject: Mom in decline - home clean out
Anonymous wrote:My mom had an emergency surgery more than a month ago and since, has had complications, nearly died twice but survived. She’s now in a rehab facility but not doing great. She’s hasn’t walked yet and PT is a struggle. She’s 85 and was in ok health before all this, but lived a very sedentary lifestyle.
Mom’s house is incredibly cluttered and needs cleaning out. She has been resistant for years to us throwing out virtually anything.
So far, all the siblings have been on the same page related to mom’s care, etc but now one of us wants to clean everything out and have an estate sale. I’m not there yet. Mom probably isn’t coming home again but she would be furious if she knew we brought strangers in to go through all her stuff. Cleaning out, yes, let’s toss the junk. But the rest of it? Childhood toys, purses and shoes and a lifetime of papers and dishes and collectibles from travel? I’m just having a hard time with it emotionally. I guess bc I know if she finds out or questions me about it, I don’t want to lie and I know she will be upset if she knows we are just tossing her things.
Even my DH is pressuring me to start dumping everything in her house. I’m even worried about how it might affect her grandchildren, who don’t even have a clear picture why their grandma hasn’t come home yet…
I’m struggling and not sure what to do….
Totally understand, op.
Two things: you never know. My mother was doing very badly over the spring and summer (hospital twice). She has improved remarkably. Late 80s. No guarantees, but no one can know what the future holds.
Practically, you can start sorting and packing into boxes. Then see how things go. But time spent evaluating and labeling will not be wasted.
Anonymous
12/06/2024 16:08
Subject: Mom in decline - home clean out
Can you and your siblings agree on postponing a possible estate sale until Jan, and try to do some preliminary work in the meantime? I imagine you would want to find and save important documents, photos, and jewelry and throw out trash regardless.
Anonymous
12/06/2024 16:06
Subject: Mom in decline - home clean out
Sorry about your mom's condition, OP. It's such a big task that will have to be done at some point. Could you just do the beginning steps, the junk, and start organizing the rest of it? Think of it as figuring out what is there to deal with later, and start talking through what various siblings would like to keep one you need to clear the house. There's a long way between throwing out garbage and getting rid of the family heirlooms.
Anonymous
12/06/2024 16:02
Subject: Mom in decline - home clean out
My mom had an emergency surgery more than a month ago and since, has had complications, nearly died twice but survived. She’s now in a rehab facility but not doing great. She’s hasn’t walked yet and PT is a struggle. She’s 85 and was in ok health before all this, but lived a very sedentary lifestyle.
Mom’s house is incredibly cluttered and needs cleaning out. She has been resistant for years to us throwing out virtually anything.
So far, all the siblings have been on the same page related to mom’s care, etc but now one of us wants to clean everything out and have an estate sale. I’m not there yet. Mom probably isn’t coming home again but she would be furious if she knew we brought strangers in to go through all her stuff. Cleaning out, yes, let’s toss the junk. But the rest of it? Childhood toys, purses and shoes and a lifetime of papers and dishes and collectibles from travel? I’m just having a hard time with it emotionally. I guess bc I know if she finds out or questions me about it, I don’t want to lie and I know she will be upset if she knows we are just tossing her things.
Even my DH is pressuring me to start dumping everything in her house. I’m even worried about how it might affect her grandchildren, who don’t even have a clear picture why their grandma hasn’t come home yet…
I’m struggling and not sure what to do….
Mom’s house is incredibly cluttered and needs cleaning out. She has been resistant for years to us throwing out virtually anything.
So far, all the siblings have been on the same page related to mom’s care, etc but now one of us wants to clean everything out and have an estate sale. I’m not there yet. Mom probably isn’t coming home again but she would be furious if she knew we brought strangers in to go through all her stuff. Cleaning out, yes, let’s toss the junk. But the rest of it? Childhood toys, purses and shoes and a lifetime of papers and dishes and collectibles from travel? I’m just having a hard time with it emotionally. I guess bc I know if she finds out or questions me about it, I don’t want to lie and I know she will be upset if she knows we are just tossing her things.
Even my DH is pressuring me to start dumping everything in her house. I’m even worried about how it might affect her grandchildren, who don’t even have a clear picture why their grandma hasn’t come home yet…
I’m struggling and not sure what to do….