OP, I think you need to stop thinking of this in such all-or-nothing terms. It's not 24/7 residential care vs. no help. It's not leaving your DH vs everything stays the same.

First, your DH needs to step up on spending time with her. He should be the one playing cards with her. If you need to exit the building and leave them alone together, do it.

Second, you can hire a companion to sit with her. That will give her fresh social interaction and free you up to be elsewhere in the house resting or getting things done. If this person is just sitting with her and isn't responsible for meds, feeding, toileting, etc. and is never alone in the building, it's a pretty cake job and easy to find.

Op, do NOT feel bad about your feelings. It is HARD.

After 3 years I think you've done your duty. This takes a toll. I would approach it with DH as I am concerned this will build resentment that will fracture our relationship.

Is there something like Al Anon for caregivers? If there’s not, there should be!!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:AARP can be a good resource for many aspects of geriatric care: https://www.aarp.org/caregiving/
There are many for-profit ($$) organizations out there.
Right now, it sounds as if you just need a break--maybe an hour or two to take a walk/go get a cuppa coffee/say you're going holiday shopping or have a work event--and I agree with the person who says a college student or even a mature high school student seeking SSL hours could come and play cards, a board game, or watch whatever on TV. When your MIL needs more care, you can explore other options. For some people (read: husbands, brothers) they are just not programmed to help. So you have to be very specific in your requests. Not: "Can you just be with your mom for an HOUR??" but "Tomorrow at 4PM, I need to go out. Please look at this scrapbook/teach your mom a new card game/watch specific program she likes on TV, not the news until 6PM? And I'll come home with a pizza for dinner." Good luck, OP. You are NOT evil or selfish, but human.

new poster here
I'm not sure what SSL hours are; I'm assuming service hours for some type of honors or service organization like National Honor Society? Personal servitude wouldn't count for hours in any of the organizations my kids have been in.

I know in the DMV area there are aging in place groups that have volunteers that help in many different areas (Northwest Neighbors in upper NW DC, believe similar for CC MD, etc.). A teenager could volunteer for an organization like that and then help with your mom for community service hours...or there may be existing volunteers willing to lend a hand.

OP - where do you live? Eldertree is in Nova and they have excellent geriatric care management services available. They definitely will be a help with resources.

Anonymous wrote:AARP can be a good resource for many aspects of geriatric care: https://www.aarp.org/caregiving/
There are many for-profit ($$) organizations out there.
Right now, it sounds as if you just need a break--maybe an hour or two to take a walk/go get a cuppa coffee/say you're going holiday shopping or have a work event--and I agree with the person who says a college student or even a mature high school student seeking SSL hours could come and play cards, a board game, or watch whatever on TV. When your MIL needs more care, you can explore other options. For some people (read: husbands, brothers) they are just not programmed to help. So you have to be very specific in your requests. Not: "Can you just be with your mom for an HOUR??" but "Tomorrow at 4PM, I need to go out. Please look at this scrapbook/teach your mom a new card game/watch specific program she likes on TV, not the news until 6PM? And I'll come home with a pizza for dinner." Good luck, OP. You are NOT evil or selfish, but human.

new poster here
I'm not sure what SSL hours are; I'm assuming service hours for some type of honors or service organization like National Honor Society? Personal servitude wouldn't count for hours in any of the organizations my kids have been in.

AARP can be a good resource for many aspects of geriatric care: https://www.aarp.org/caregiving/
There are many for-profit ($$) organizations out there.
Right now, it sounds as if you just need a break--maybe an hour or two to take a walk/go get a cuppa coffee/say you're going holiday shopping or have a work event--and I agree with the person who says a college student or even a mature high school student seeking SSL hours could come and play cards, a board game, or watch whatever on TV. When your MIL needs more care, you can explore other options. For some people (read: husbands, brothers) they are just not programmed to help. So you have to be very specific in your requests. Not: "Can you just be with your mom for an HOUR??" but "Tomorrow at 4PM, I need to go out. Please look at this scrapbook/teach your mom a new card game/watch specific program she likes on TV, not the news until 6PM? And I'll come home with a pizza for dinner." Good luck, OP. You are NOT evil or selfish, but human.

AARP can be a good resource for many aspects of geriatric care: https://www.aarp.org/caregiving/
There are many for-profit ($$) organizations out there.
Right now, it sounds as if you just need a break--maybe an hour or two to take a walk/go get a cuppa coffee/say you're going holiday shopping or have a work event--and I agree with the person who says a college student or even a mature high school student seeking SSL hours could come and play cards, a board game, or watch whatever on TV. When your MIL needs more care, you can explore other options. For some people (read: husbands, brothers) they are just not programmed to help. So you have to be very specific in your requests. Not: "Can you just be with your mom for an HOUR??" but "Tomorrow at 4PM, I need to go out. Please look at this scrapbook/teach your mom a new card game/watch specific program she likes on TV, not the news until 6PM? And I'll come home with a pizza for dinner." Good luck, OP. You are NOT evil or selfish, but human.

Where do you find geriatric car managers?

Find people who understand and can support you. You are not alone in dealing with these complicated and uncomfortable feelings. I’ve been a caregiver for nearly six years and you can’t do it well and not have those “what if” feelings. The fact that you have a great deal of self awareness and are trying to reconcile your feelings and actions demonstrates that you are a caring and compassionate person - who happens to be in a very taxing situation. Have you been able to locate any elder care support groups? Or if you can hire a geriatric care manager to help you, or to just share some of the load, could be a godsend.

Can a college student come over to play cards with her? I don't think it's fair that you have to sacrifice all of your free time for someone who wasn't great to you.

Find a different therapist, particularly one who specializes in eldercare. You can search on psychologytoday.com to find ones that specialize in that area. That was kind of inappropriate for the therapist to suggest you blow your life up like that. In the meantIme, why isn't your husband the one entertaining his mother? You have already done your part by keeping her safe, warm, and fed inside your home. You sound burnt out, and I would talk to him about picking up more slack.

You cannot. Tuff it out as long as you can and then a memory care nursing home.

MIL has lived with us now 3 years with worsening Alzheimer’s. She is still able to do self care but cannot take pills and is a fall risk.

It is mainly her ST memory and falling that’s an issue. We do have some companion help.

She is such an emotional drain on us. I would never verbalize it, but I keep thinking about how much easier our lives will be after she is gone.

I know I am a horrible person. I don’t say these things to anyone else, because I am embarrassed that I am a terrible human being.

I want to be grateful that she is still with us and celebrate her life and that we are able to help. I don’t know how to be positive about it.

I put on a good show and my friends call me a saint, DH is thankful that I welcomed her into our home and help out. I spend a lot of time with her in the evenings and weekends helping her knit or playing cards.

She was never a warm person or particularly easy or fun to be around. She is not mean, but she isn’t pleasant either. That doesn’t give me the right to wish she wasn’t around.

What can I do to change my perspective? I didn’t try therapy online and the advice was, “get your DH to agree to put her in a memory care unit. She will be gone, but not GONE.”

That is not possible right now for a variety of reasons that I won’t bore you with right now. The online therapist said, “give your husband an ultimatum. Either she goes, or you.” That seemed pretty drastic and I don’t want to leave DH, and never said anything to that affect.

I just need a better attitude but whenever i try, I end up even more exhausted.