Drinking causes depression.

Have you checked out AlAnon for you?

Anonymous wrote:Echoing PP, at 46, she could be deep into perimenopause, which can impact all systems in the body, including mood, brain clarity/brain fog, motivation, energy, weight, skin, etc.

I would read the book “The New Menopause” to get a better understanding. SSRIs will never gel if what she needs is estrogen.

Somewhat similar issue with my ex-gf who I had to leave. She is 43 and I think have hit Peri with a lot of weight gain, low motivation, low sex drive, mostly negative and a good amount of rage and mood swings. She doesn't drink but on SSRIs, Type 2, thyroid and other medications which I don't know are helping or making it worse. She also takes Xanax as needed and about 200 lbs at 5'4'.

Anonymous wrote:Would post this in the general relationships forum but probably need some WW advice. My wife (46) and I (38) have been together for 12 years. She had an extremely intense and stressful job for the past several years. She put on a lot of weight, drank a lot, started wearing cheap clothing (refuses to let me take her shopping), stopped taking care of her hygiene - eg her skin is terrible and she only brushes her teeth once a day. I chalked it up to the awful job and didn’t say anything.

Now she has been out of the job for over a year and has lost some weight but is still drinking daily. Everything else is the same despite ample free time.

Obviously it’s depression but she’s on antidepressants. She’s an extremely sensitive person and refuses couples therapy and individual therapy.

Do I say something? If so what? It will be part of a larger talk about our marriage. We have kids (it’s not that she’s busy with them, we have daycare and split remaining childcare) so ending it will be messy. But I’m at my wits end. I want my wife back

The antidepressants can only do so much with copious alcohol on board. Yes, you need to talk to her -- just bring up everything you said here.

Are you both intimate?

Do you praise her, find beauty in her, hold her, buy her flowers?

I don't care about my looks because I am ok the way I am and since my partner doesn't touch me, initiate or even try intimacy, never throws a compliment, I am not going out of my way to get them.

you love me for me or tell me you want out.

She should not be drinking daily. Your poor children

She should not be drinking on antidepressants.

So does she just sit at home drinking and unemployed now?


I don't think her medication is working. Perhaps what she needs is a good PhD who does CBT and has experience with addiction.

You - you need Al Anon. Its a program for you.

Get her into rehab or divorce her.

Anonymous wrote:I'm struck by the fact that you're leading with your feelings about your wife's appearance, but what she seems to be going through sounds pretty serious. Do you think your main concern is her appearance, or her depression and alcoholism?

As for her being on anti-depressants, 1, peoples' need for this type of intervention varies over time; 2, perimenopause can cause new needs (don't know if she's in that stage yet); 3, I think you're not supposed to drink much on most SSRIs, so something is being compromised. All of which is to say that anti-depressants might not be the solution in their current form. But your concern and care might help her with what she needs right now.

Since nobody on this thread has said it directly yet: your wife has an alcohol use disorder and needs to get sober. You're not supposed to drink at all on SSRIs, and chronic use of non-prescribed meds is a great way to blow out your neurotransmitters. She'll probably need 6 months to a year to reset after getting completely dry. You can't blame the meds if you're constantly scrambling/pickling your brain with non-medicinal drugs. It's hard to get clean, but it's the only way to get better.

The clothing/hygeine is a symptom, not a root cause. Get rid of the booze, go for walks to help her brain chemistry level out, make sure she's getting good nutrition and sleep. It's trite advice because it's good advice and it works. It's hard af to give a fsck when you're constantly on a substance-use roller coaster. Everything seems hopeless; might as well just keep drinking/smoking/using. That cycle has to break in order for the other things to shift. There may need to be med adjustments too, but that's polishing the brass on the Titanic as long as she's still in her cups.

-btdt, several years sober now and it's SO much better (even though I didn't think it ever would be)

Echoing PP, at 46, she could be deep into perimenopause, which can impact all systems in the body, including mood, brain clarity/brain fog, motivation, energy, weight, skin, etc.

I would read the book “The New Menopause” to get a better understanding. SSRIs will never gel if what she needs is estrogen.

I'm struck by the fact that you're leading with your feelings about your wife's appearance, but what she seems to be going through sounds pretty serious. Do you think your main concern is her appearance, or her depression and alcoholism?

As for her being on anti-depressants, 1, peoples' need for this type of intervention varies over time; 2, perimenopause can cause new needs (don't know if she's in that stage yet); 3, I think you're not supposed to drink much on most SSRIs, so something is being compromised. All of which is to say that anti-depressants might not be the solution in their current form. But your concern and care might help her with what she needs right now.

Anonymous wrote:Would post this in the general relationships forum but probably need some WW advice. My wife (46) and I (38) have been together for 12 years. She had an extremely intense and stressful job for the past several years. She put on a lot of weight, drank a lot, started wearing cheap clothing (refuses to let me take her shopping), stopped taking care of her hygiene - eg her skin is terrible and she only brushes her teeth once a day. I chalked it up to the awful job and didn’t say anything.

Now she has been out of the job for over a year and has lost some weight but is still drinking daily. Everything else is the same despite ample free time.

Obviously it’s depression but she’s on antidepressants. She’s an extremely sensitive person and refuses couples therapy and individual therapy.

Do I say something? If so what? It will be part of a larger talk about our marriage. We have kids (it’s not that she’s busy with them, we have daycare and split remaining childcare) so ending it will be messy. But I’m at my wits end. I want my wife back

Unfortunately, this probably isn’t reasonable. People change. Things change. And a lot of folks tend to get a little sloppier with age. I suggest you get some therapy for yourself, so that you can get some support as you figure out what you want.

Antidepressants can cause weight gain. Make sure you acknowledge that if it is an unfortunate side effect of one of the things she needs to do for her mental health that you are ok with the extra weight. Focus on other things she can do to get back to her old self.

This is really a Relationship question, so I’d suggest reposting in that forum.

My guess is that you are walking on eggshells around her, afraid to rock the boat. That’s not okay or healthy for your family. My other guess is that she’s using alcohol to medicate the depression which isn’t working. So you’re also living with an alcoholic.

It’s time to step up and focus on your family. You get one shot at this life and deserve the best. Your children deserve the best. You need to sit down and have a come-to-Jesus talk. She needs to know that her family’s future is on the line.

Make a therapy appointment. Give her date/time and let her know that you’re going with or without her. If she cares about this family, she will meet you at the appointment. And if she doesn’t show, you’ll work with the therapist to figure out how you can deal with this and make the decisions your family needs you to make.

The bottom line is that you need to stop wishing this would go away and instead lean into it. If she blows up, you’ll be fine. What’s not fine is letting inertia take over. For your kids’ sake, you need to find the backbone to call out this behavior for what it is and not let it define you all. You cannot all tiptoe your way around it.

Good luck to you. You are strong enough to do this.

I think it’s okay to let her know you’re worried about her.

Would post this in the general relationships forum but probably need some WW advice. My wife (46) and I (38) have been together for 12 years. She had an extremely intense and stressful job for the past several years. She put on a lot of weight, drank a lot, started wearing cheap clothing (refuses to let me take her shopping), stopped taking care of her hygiene - eg her skin is terrible and she only brushes her teeth once a day. I chalked it up to the awful job and didn’t say anything.

Now she has been out of the job for over a year and has lost some weight but is still drinking daily. Everything else is the same despite ample free time.

Obviously it’s depression but she’s on antidepressants. She’s an extremely sensitive person and refuses couples therapy and individual therapy.

Do I say something? If so what? It will be part of a larger talk about our marriage. We have kids (it’s not that she’s busy with them, we have daycare and split remaining childcare) so ending it will be messy. But I’m at my wits end. I want my wife back