Didn't see this thread til now, but sending some hugs anyway.

It's so hard because so often there is no way to win. There is nothing you could have done to make her "happy" the way it was before dementia. I think that's why we get so tied up in knots. What we want is no longer possible but we keep trying anyway.

I’m so sorry, OP. This transition is so hard.

I remember my dad being at our house for the holiday and struggling to speak. It was sad. It seemed like he was trapped inside himself.

If your mom gets agitated at other times, they can put her on medication to relax her.

My mom’s medications have helped her feel calmer.

OP, I hope it went well. My mom came to my house this year, but it was a small group. I think by this time next year she will be in memory care and we might do the same thing. One thing I notice is that she really likes to "show off" her family at her assisted living, so the idea of all of us celebrating with her might be ok.

Aw I'm sorry OP. That sounds really rough. I'm glad you got to spend some time with her, even if she was a bit stressed out during.

Thanks everyone, this is OP. Last night reinforced that I made the right decision for today. My mom was anxious and confused and agitated at all of the extra people at her place, the drinks took too long, the food took too long, people were too loud, other tables got served before we did. She spent the entire meal stressed out. She was a mess.

Dementia really is the worst. But it’s so hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that even the smallest deviations from their normal schedule can be horrible for them.

Her place does do weekly field trips so she goes out with a group but I’m pretty sure her days of accompanying me to events is over. Just one more thing this awful disease takes from us.

Sounds like a dream Thanksgiving to me. Enjoy every moment!

She’s thriving in memory care. That’s great! There’s no looking forward but that’s fine because looking forward can bring joy but also worry. Go see her for thanksgiving at the facility. If she asks you say “We are celebrating here with you!”

Meet her where she is. It isn’t what is was but she’s happy in her place. That’s a win in my book.

Don’t feel guilty , OP, you are doing the right thing for your mom. I know it’s also painful for you, and I am sorry that you have to go through “the long goodbye” with your mom. I know it will be sad that she isn’t with you for the first time. I’m glad her facility has a celebration the day before, that’s brilliant.

It sounds so hard for you and I am sorry. But it sounds ideal for her, meeting her where she is now.

OP, I think that’s a great idea. I remember going through this, it is so difficult. No matter what I did I felt guilty. You’re a good daughter and I hope you have a wonderful visit with your mother.

I’m sorry OP. This sounds really hard. But it sounds like your plan is the best for everyone involved.

That seems like a really good plan. I hope the meal went well.

This is the first year my mom won’t be coming to Thanksgiving. She’s in memory care and thriving there but change and new things and plans are so incredibly stressful for her. Last Thanksgiving was her last real holiday out and it was so awful for her. She was so stressed out in advance that she didn’t sleep for a few days before. The day of she sat in a chair looking terrified as she tried to make small talk with my husband’s family who has known her for years and adores her. She was so uncomfortable and by the time we left she fell apart in the car on the way back. It took several days for her to recover as she was exhausted.

This year her memory care is hosting a Thanksgiving dinner today and I’m telling her that we’re all coming there to celebrate Thanksgiving with her. I haven’t said a word about actual Thanksgiving and thankfully, so far at least, she hasn’t expressed any disappointment to not be going out for Thanksgiving or being with the rest of my husband’s family (she and I are all that’s left locally of our own family). I think if she catches on that it’s tomorrow and mentions it I may just lie and tell her I have to work.

I love her so much and feel so bad about this but it really is just so hard on her these days. There is no looking forward to anything, future plans only cause stress and anxiety for her. But this part of it is so hard.