You know what Op, this is my DH. He SUCKED in a major way in his previous marriage and I do not blame her for getting out, not for one second. In this marriage he is the PERFECT man, father, husband, partner, whatever you want to call it, he seriously grew up and did a complete change from his first marriage. We run into his ex often (live in the same area and work in the same industry) and she freely admits to me how jealous she is of what we've got, btw, she's great and has moved on to a slightly older partner and seems happy. But, do you ever get over your first love? No easy answer to that but I wish you luck.

Anonymous wrote:In a toxic marriage where my husband has habitually cheated on me along with strategic doses of gaslighting and DARVO to keep me confused and manipulating my deep feelings for him. We never had kids as he stalled and hemmed and hawed. Now I am at the end of my fertility but clinging on...why? The gut wrenching idea that he will turn around and build the family I so wanted with some 25 year old girl after denying it to me for years!

I will probably not survive that...

You have a kid with this guy you are giving him the power to make the REST of YOUR life miserable. Just don’t do it.
Find a better partner for goodness sake

If he's cheating on you, he could "accidentally" start that new family - while you're still sitting at home waiting for him.

YOU are at the end of your fertility window.

He isn't. He could leave you in 5 years and still start a family with a 25 year old.

This is not a reason to stay.

Toxic people don’t change. I understand the fear you have. But let’s say worse case he does change for the next girl. It doesn’t change the fact that he doesn’t work for YOU.

Why do you think a 25 year old would want to be with your ex? Is he super wealthy?

You're better off alone. Once you divorce you never have to hear or speak to him again. Better mental health for you.

Before my sister had a child with her husband, I warned her that advice columnists say that children amplify any problem in a marriage, not fix them. The reason I cited advice columnists is because I didn't have much experience. She answered with a dismissive "that's white people talk." We are immigrants. Well, her husband continues to be worse and she is now stuck.

OP. I stayed with a terrible person because I wanted a family. I love my children but the toxic stuff gets worse and worse once kids enter your life. Be glad you can get out.

OP. I am in a similar boat as you. It’s hard to accept. Listen to the advice of others. It’s easier said than done but just try and move on. I hear you. It’s painful.

Anonymous wrote:You will and he will be some kid’s problem. It won’t be better with her. I promise you that life will be better than you ever imagined. You will not only be ok, you will thrive.

+1

But adding: OP, any time a person feels "hung up on the idea that...," whatever the "that" may be, it's time to get outside help. If you are not already seeing a therapist, find one, pronto. Be aware that it can take time to find the right one who clicks with you. But you need to work through the fixation on him and your grieving for the marriage and children you have not had with him. By the way, going to therapy is not, not, not about being "weak" or needing to be "fixed." It is about having an outside, objective perspective to help you see yourself more objectively, and move away from toxic people. It's a position of strength, with the rigiht therapist. So don't let him or anyone else talk you out of it. Or talk you out of divorcing.

I'm a bit concerned though that your title says "STBX" yet you refer to "clinging on" and don't mention divorce in the post itself. I hope you are getting out as quickly as you can. And please, OP, get out NOT because you want to run as fast as possible into having a child however, with whomever, but get out because you want to be your true self, unfettered by attachment to this self-centered man. A child may or may not happen, but you will always have to live with yourself, and it sounds like you need to figure out who that is, separate from being His Wife.

Don't worry. He will make her just as miserable as he made you.

You need to realize you dodged a bullet. You’re better off adopting or becoming a SMBC without him. Are you really feeling jealous of some hypothetical 25 year old who is going to end up pregnant and trapped in a relationship with a manipulative older man?

You will and he will be some kid’s problem. It won’t be better with her. I promise you that life will be better than you ever imagined. You will not only be ok, you will thrive.

Therapy. Like yesterday.

In a toxic marriage where my husband has habitually cheated on me along with strategic doses of gaslighting and DARVO to keep me confused and manipulating my deep feelings for him. We never had kids as he stalled and hemmed and hawed. Now I am at the end of my fertility but clinging on...why? The gut wrenching idea that he will turn around and build the family I so wanted with some 25 year old girl after denying it to me for years!

I will probably not survive that...