Anonymous wrote:I feel very sad that although I can have casual relationship and would like a longterm one, when it comes down to it my kids come first. I won't do anything that feels like a risk to my relationship with them or to our lives. I can never again give myself fully over to another person I love while responsible for my kids. My ex cohabited and blended families very quickly, and I just don't think it's good for the kids.

How do I accept that another adult, even when ideal, is a risk to my stability with the kids? In middle age I have assets, there are looming aging issues, I don't know how to approach this.

First, kudos to you for being the one who is thoughtful about the well being of your kids in likely the most turbulent time of their lives. The stability they have in you will anchor them for life and hopefully soften the impact of your ex’s willingness to prioritize themself over your kids. But eventually, as your kids acclimate, you will and should find time for yourself to prepare for the next stage. You will know when that time comes and you should not be afraid of it. In the meantime, work on eating well, exercise, your hobbies, travel when you have time, revive friendships, etc. Fill the void with things that improve your mental and physical health.

Your kids are likely not blind to your ex prioritizing money, status, adventure, etc over them, so keep doing what you are doing to minimize the void that your ex created for your kids.

Teenagers are busy with their own lives. They want me to be happy. Nobody is putting them last.

You can still be in an LTR. Just don’t move in together.

I am in the same boat. When I do date, it’s with someone who also understands the parenting comes first thing. There are men out there not looking to upend their children’s lives by blending too.

Men would never write this stuff.

I'd love to be in a LTR but I won't move until my daughter goes to college. So I won't marry or live with anyone for at least a few years, which is fine. My last BF had younger kids and neither of us wanted to move, so we were basically a non-starter.

Anonymous wrote:I feel very sad that although I can have casual relationship and would like a longterm one, when it comes down to it my kids come first. I won't do anything that feels like a risk to my relationship with them or to our lives. I can never again give myself fully over to another person I love while responsible for my kids. My ex cohabited and blended families very quickly, and I just don't think it's good for the kids.

How do I accept that another adult, even when ideal, is a risk to my stability with the kids? In middle age I have assets, there are looming aging issues, I don't know how to approach this.

Congratulations. If only more people were as wise as you. Your children are so lucky.

You start by not having a fresh batch of new kids

Talk to your kids if they are older.

Anonymous wrote:I don't see why you can't have a long-term relationship. Cohabitation or marriage isn't a requirement for a LTR.

Agree with this. You can have a LTR without living together. Why not OP?

I don't see why you can't have a long-term relationship. Cohabitation or marriage isn't a requirement for a LTR.

I think you may feel more open to it when your kids are launched.

I am a widow in a serious relationship and I get where you are coming from. My kids are teenagers, and I promised them that I wouldn't cohabitate or remarry while they are minors. If I do move in or marry my new SO, I will make sure that my kids are financially protected. It helps that they get along with each other, but my kids' stability is most important.

I do get sad sometimes that I can't have that whirlwind romance that I had when I was young, but frankly, I am making better decisions because of it.

The only way this works is if the other person is on-board with your limitations. My SO would love the freedom to have a carefree relationship but agrees that my kids need to come first. They also have their own independent life that they enjoy and don't want to totally give up, so it works for us for now.

Good luck - it isn't easy but you are doing the right thing.

You seem to have made the best decision, with maturity and insight. Put your kids first, no one else will.

I feel very sad that although I can have casual relationship and would like a longterm one, when it comes down to it my kids come first. I won't do anything that feels like a risk to my relationship with them or to our lives. I can never again give myself fully over to another person I love while responsible for my kids. My ex cohabited and blended families very quickly, and I just don't think it's good for the kids.

How do I accept that another adult, even when ideal, is a risk to my stability with the kids? In middle age I have assets, there are looming aging issues, I don't know how to approach this.