I do not have personal experience with this in my family, but I can say that as a college professor I have seen how parental divorce affects my students ranging from 18 to grad school and it can be very sad and have huge impacts. I think it is largely true that it depends on the specific situation and specific kid but I also think it's a significant misconception to say "wait until they're out of the house and it's going to be easier." I actually think many kids would do better to have a year to acclimate before being blindsided that their home "wasn't real" and they can never come back.

My three kids were ages 7-11 when their dad walked out. It hasn’t been easy but I got primary custody and all three are thriving in high school and off to college soon.

My kids are fairly privileged economically and enduring- and seeing their mom endure - hardship helped strengthen their empathy and resilience.

If it means them having to change schools or would be really logistically burdensome, I would try to stick it out through high school. But if it's not a major problem then I would do it sooner so you don't send them into a tailspin in college.

Really, it's never really a good time no matter what.

6 and it has had some negative economic and social effects but overall not terrible. Would not have left if no alcoholism or abuse.

2 and 8. I would not have left if I hadn't been physically and psychologically (blaming, silent treatment, put downs) abused. Not much impact on younger one because that's all they know.
It was hard on older one, but much happier now that they ever were before. We were under constant stress from harm. The child did not dare to upset him, so they stayed away from me.

4 and 6 and it went soooo much better than I expected. I wish I would have done it years earlier instead of being miserable.

5 and 8. Our kids are fine and now 10 and 13. But we have a very different divorce than most people.

4, 5, 6. Terrible. They still hate their dad for leaving and 15 yrs later not speaking to him.

Anonymous wrote:2 and 4. Awful

OP here. Would you have waited? At 2 and 4 they don't fully understand it, just that mommy and daddy are not in the same house? When (if they did (recover)?

Anonymous wrote:15 and 13.

It messed them up. They are ok now but it was a rough few years.

And ours wasn’t even that contentious a divorce.

Today they are young adults and have more perspective but it absolutely permanently affected their relationships with their parents in a negative way.

OP here. Thank you. They were both in high school. If you had to do over again what age would you divorce for less impact (if possible)?

2 and 4. Awful

Anonymous wrote:15 and 13.

It messed them up. They are ok now but it was a rough few years.

And ours wasn’t even that contentious a divorce.

Today they are young adults and have more perspective but it absolutely permanently affected their relationships with their parents in a negative way.

^^^ I should add that staying together likely would have messed them up worse since there was contempt and we were modeling a dysfunctional relationship. So we did the right thing. There were going to be negative consequences either way.

15 and 13.

It messed them up. They are ok now but it was a rough few years.

And ours wasn’t even that contentious a divorce.

Today they are young adults and have more perspective but it absolutely permanently affected their relationships with their parents in a negative way.

I think the bigger issue than the age is how acrimonious the relationship is. If you are cordial to each other, it can be pulled off successfully at any age.

Spouse and I have been considering divorce for years. Due to COVID we held off. Plus we have two kids. Now, we are considering moving forward. We're mostly amicable at home so nothing horrible but we simply do not like each other and basically life separate lives. Haven't had sex in 7-8 years. Our biggest thought is what age is best to divorce so there's less emotional impact on our kids. We've read articles online and it's all over the place. Wanted to ask real people who have went through this.