Op here. DH has taken time off before to take her to doctor's appointments, and stayed with her after she had tubes put in her ears so Mom didn't have to take time off even though it was during her time. He books days off when she's with us on non-school days.

His meeting was booked well in advance. He had been preparing for a while.

OP, did you or your DH do a good job on these two days?

Did you make note of any fever and any medications given? In a co-parenting relationship it's important to keep track so that you don't, for example, accidentally double-dose Tylenol.

Did you determine whether she needs a note to return to school and have the absence be excused? At our school, four days out requires a doctor's note. And since Day 4 was on your DH's time, he's the one that should take care of getting an appointment, bringing her in, getting the note, and sending a copy to the school. Were you expecting the mom would do this? Why were you expecting that?

In general, if you're oblivious and your DH is oblivious or shirks these parenting responsibilities, then yes, you're going to have a bad co-parenting relationship. He shouldn't be Mr. Fun Daddy who never has to do anything boring. And if leaving the kid with you means that the bare minimum of parenting happens but no more, then the mom is going to push back.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom is upset that Dad didn't take time off. If she had hired a babysitter she would have had to pay; Dad didn't have to pay anyone and was still able to go to work. Stepmom was still able to do her job while periodically checking on the child, so their household didn't lose any income.

I don't know if Mom is mad that it was stepmom at home caring for the child,or that she lost income and nobody else did.

Here's a third possibility. She wants her child to have a strong relationship with her father, and when he fobs her off on a stepmom instead of caring for her, that's an opportunity missed. Yes it's only a day or two, but childhood is made of days. And when you're divorced and you've lost 50% or more of your parenting time, every day counts. Is he a Disneyland Dad that only joins for the fun stuff and avoids the day-to-day and the boring stuff?

I also don't think it's very good parenting to just be periodically checking on the child. If she's almost healthy enough for school, you should be trying to utilize her time in a more worthwhile manner, so that it's not two days of TV or just lolling around. If the ex thinks her child is getting the bare minimum in your household, you'll never have a good co-parenting relationship.

This could be it. I cannot tell you how many times my DH refused to take sick leave to care for our kid. I was like - you know that’s what sick leave is for, right? There were very few times that he literally couldn’t take leave - he just didn’t prioritize it because he knew I would.

Anonymous wrote:Mom is upset that Dad didn't take time off. If she had hired a babysitter she would have had to pay; Dad didn't have to pay anyone and was still able to go to work. Stepmom was still able to do her job while periodically checking on the child, so their household didn't lose any income.

I don't know if Mom is mad that it was stepmom at home caring for the child,or that she lost income and nobody else did.

Here's a third possibility. She wants her child to have a strong relationship with her father, and when he fobs her off on a stepmom instead of caring for her, that's an opportunity missed. Yes it's only a day or two, but childhood is made of days. And when you're divorced and you've lost 50% or more of your parenting time, every day counts. Is he a Disneyland Dad that only joins for the fun stuff and avoids the day-to-day and the boring stuff?

I also don't think it's very good parenting to just be periodically checking on the child. If she's almost healthy enough for school, you should be trying to utilize her time in a more worthwhile manner, so that it's not two days of TV or just lolling around. If the ex thinks her child is getting the bare minimum in your household, you'll never have a good co-parenting relationship.

I wonder if biomom wanted to keep the kid with her while she was still sick but dad refused to give up “his” days? If so I can see why she’d be irked if dad then just went “Oh my important job needs me, so stepmom will stay home with her.

When I was negotiating a parenting plan when my child was younger one of the terms I had in there was that I (mom) would have custody while kid was sick. Because dad historically did zero to care for child while sick, so I didn’t trust him and didn’t see why he should be given that time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's totally fine. You give up control when you divorce. You don't get to second-guess reasonable decisions or insist on parental care at all times.


OP, it sounds like you want your ex to have missed work out of some misguided notion of "fairness"-- "I used my annual leave so he should use his annual leave". That's nuts. If the child was safe, well cared-for, and reasonably happy (for a sick kid), then you have nothing to complain about.

I'm stepmom, wondering if I did something wrong. I wanted opinions not affected by stepmom dislike. I had the ability to use leave, so I did. Now there's backlash.

You're fine, you didn't do anything wrong to do it this one time.

I think it may benefit you to consider whether you want to be rescuing your DH in situations like this. It's all too easy for the new wife to think her DH is great and the ex is terrible. But the reality may be something a little different. Does he habitually play the "I'm so busy" card to put his parenting responsibilities on women?

And remember, his ex signed up to parent with *him*. She didn't sign up to parent with you, she didn't choose you, and she doesn't want to be fobbed off on you because he's Mr. Busy And Important At Work. Ideally you'll all work as a team, but that'll go better if you stop standing in his shoes.

His ex is probably gonna be this way ongoing. Eyes wide open.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's totally fine. You give up control when you divorce. You don't get to second-guess reasonable decisions or insist on parental care at all times.


OP, it sounds like you want your ex to have missed work out of some misguided notion of "fairness"-- "I used my annual leave so he should use his annual leave". That's nuts. If the child was safe, well cared-for, and reasonably happy (for a sick kid), then you have nothing to complain about.

I'm stepmom, wondering if I did something wrong. I wanted opinions not affected by stepmom dislike. I had the ability to use leave, so I did. Now there's backlash.

Sorry OP. It was good of you to step in and I’m sorry for the backlash. But I suggest you let your DH handle it and focus on being a positive supporter. Also I hate to say it but make sure your DH isn’t actually dumping childcare on you! as many a biomom can attest, the DH claiming that “I have a meeting I can’t take sick leave” and making his job more important than yours is VERY COMMON.

Yup! All of this!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's totally fine. You give up control when you divorce. You don't get to second-guess reasonable decisions or insist on parental care at all times.


OP, it sounds like you want your ex to have missed work out of some misguided notion of "fairness"-- "I used my annual leave so he should use his annual leave". That's nuts. If the child was safe, well cared-for, and reasonably happy (for a sick kid), then you have nothing to complain about.

I'm stepmom, wondering if I did something wrong. I wanted opinions not affected by stepmom dislike. I had the ability to use leave, so I did. Now there's backlash.

Sorry OP. It was good of you to step in and I’m sorry for the backlash. But I suggest you let your DH handle it and focus on being a positive supporter. Also I hate to say it but make sure your DH isn’t actually dumping childcare on you! as many a biomom can attest, the DH claiming that “I have a meeting I can’t take sick leave” and making his job more important than yours is VERY COMMON.

Anonymous wrote:It's totally fine. You give up control when you divorce. You don't get to second-guess reasonable decisions or insist on parental care at all times.


OP, it sounds like you want your ex to have missed work out of some misguided notion of "fairness"-- "I used my annual leave so he should use his annual leave". That's nuts. If the child was safe, well cared-for, and reasonably happy (for a sick kid), then you have nothing to complain about.

I'm stepmom, wondering if I did something wrong. I wanted opinions not affected by stepmom dislike. I had the ability to use leave, so I did. Now there's backlash.

It's totally fine. You give up control when you divorce. You don't get to second-guess reasonable decisions or insist on parental care at all times.


OP, it sounds like you want your ex to have missed work out of some misguided notion of "fairness"-- "I used my annual leave so he should use his annual leave". That's nuts. If the child was safe, well cared-for, and reasonably happy (for a sick kid), then you have nothing to complain about.

Of course it's fine that stepmom watched the child. Not all jobs are flexible and some weeks are harder to take off than others.

Mom is upset that Dad didn't take time off. If she had hired a babysitter she would have had to pay; Dad didn't have to pay anyone and was still able to go to work. Stepmom was still able to do her job while periodically checking on the child, so their household didn't lose any income.

I don't know if Mom is mad that it was stepmom at home caring for the child,or that she lost income and nobody else did.

Mom could have hired a babysitter and worked while kid was sick which is the equivalent of what the dad did here. I don't see the issue.

Of course it’s fine unless mom wanted to stay home for 4 days?

7 1/2 year old had been sick and couldn't go to school. She was with Mom for the first two, and was starting to feel better but not enough to go to school. Parenting time switched to Dad's house for day 3. Dad had work that couldn't be done from home and had to go in. Step mom had the ability to work from home, and did so for two days.

Would you be OK with this, or should Dad have missed time like Mom did?