Metro Detroit, specifically Oakland County. Cheaper cost of living, good healthcare, schools of choice (you can enroll your kid in any public school as long as you provide transport). Safe, family-friendly area, and very welcoming to immigrants (car industry pulls in people from all over the country/world). Just have to be able to tolerate 12 months of grey skies a year and incredibly potholed roads.

Anonymous wrote:OP again—the two SN kiddos both have IEPs. They are in general education. The school has been understanding, considering how challenging they are—we are in a DCPS in NW DC.

Have you pursued a non-public placement? If you could get even one of the kids settled at a school that's actually capable of handling them, life might be a lot easier.

You also might consider trying to set some boundaries with the school. If your kids have chronic behavior issues, then you don't need to be notified every time someone has a behavior. You already know they have behavior and they only need to call you if it's an actual emergency. See if you can get a written daily or weekly summary instead. That may reduce your stress level, as well as create a paper trail that can be helpful if you need it later.

OP again, thank you so much to all PPs and a special thanks to PP 12:45 -- a LOT of great food for thought here. I'm really grateful.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the responses. I am not from the U.S. originally so I do worry about how I would fit in somewhere in, say, the Midwest. My in laws are local (DC suburbs) and my own family are all still overseas.

Re meds we have tried Ritalin and Adderall, both of which made oldest DC very jittery and agitated. Then guanfacine which they’ve both been on for ages, which helped at first but now doesn’t seem to be helping as much (and makes them fall asleep and wake up very early… couldn’t give it at night as it gave nightmares). I am a bit scared of SSRIs and things like Abilify because of the lasting side effects. Like, I don’t want to add more issues with medication if a lifestyle change could help.
Part of the issue is that I have not been able to find anyone who can handle DC. We tried nannies in the pandemic and 3 of them quit. So we are doing almost all afterschool care ourselves, plus some grandparent help. I don’t think most nannies could handle my kids behavior, even if we could financially swing it. Private schools would almost certainly kick them out due to behavioral issues. Just feel a bit trapped.

I totally get the feeling of being trapped. But what lifestyle change do you think would help? How would it help?

OP again—the two SN kiddos both have IEPs. They are in general education. The school has been understanding, considering how challenging they are—we are in a DCPS in NW DC.

I would think very hard before moving away from local in-laws. They're going to age and need you. And you might need them.

Have you attempted to get public funding for a special needs private? If the behavior is that serious, you might be able to get it.

I think people tend to overstate the benefits of lifestyle-- or at least, underestimate the down sides that come with it. If you lived rural they might get more outdoor playtime, sure, but they'd also be spending way more time in the car (think like 15-20 minutes each way just go to to a grocery store), and you'd also have a very hard time finding a prescriber. Take it from someone who grew up rural-- a lot of these places are real backwaters, the professional help is often way behind the curve or very hard to obtain without a long drive. And for your neurotypical child, would they still attend school? Because the rural schools are often quite bad-- and most frustratingly, the people who live there don't want to acknowledge it. In DC at least we know a lot of our schools are bad! And activities for kids are sparse and low-quality.

It's also really hard to make friends in a rural area. Not so much for your kid who attends school, but for you. It can be a really lonely way to live if everyone else has been friends for decades.

Rural areas are not as affordable as you think, and if you lose your job it can be really hard to find another one. In rural areas people have to self-pay for all kinds of things that you might not be aware of, like getting your septic tank pumped, or having your driveway plowed when it snows. Taxes can be really high, because there aren't very many taxpayers to cover the bills of the town. And the drug problem in rural areas is sometimes really, really, really bad, leading to break-ins, DUIs on the road, and generally just scary neighbors.

Although I myself homeschool, I would very seriously hesitate to move away from your family support system.
Have your kids have ieps? Are they in the proper setting in school for them? Do they need a self-contained classroom or something like that? I feel like they need more support in school right now than they might be getting.

OP here. Thank you for the responses. I am not from the U.S. originally so I do worry about how I would fit in somewhere in, say, the Midwest. My in laws are local (DC suburbs) and my own family are all still overseas.

Re meds we have tried Ritalin and Adderall, both of which made oldest DC very jittery and agitated. Then guanfacine which they’ve both been on for ages, which helped at first but now doesn’t seem to be helping as much (and makes them fall asleep and wake up very early… couldn’t give it at night as it gave nightmares). I am a bit scared of SSRIs and things like Abilify because of the lasting side effects. Like, I don’t want to add more issues with medication if a lifestyle change could help.
Part of the issue is that I have not been able to find anyone who can handle DC. We tried nannies in the pandemic and 3 of them quit. So we are doing almost all afterschool care ourselves, plus some grandparent help. I don’t think most nannies could handle my kids behavior, even if we could financially swing it. Private schools would almost certainly kick them out due to behavioral issues. Just feel a bit trapped.

I would do as the PP says and move somewhere cheaper, more family-friendly, and with good schools, maybe focused on special needs if possible.

I would worry homeschooling could be a disaster with PDA. It's even harder for kids to do things they don't want to do or can't do when they are with someone like a parent they feel totally comfortable with. That's just my two cents.

It could also be very isolating because you might not know anyone (unless there's family nearby?) and you would be at home all day. The kids may or may not be able to make easy friends in a new place, too.

The DMV is exhausting with kids and work and SN. I think more family-friendly places will also be more forgiving of kids' needs (whereas everything in DC seems designed for adults).

That would be my absolute last resort. I can't tell from your post what meds you've already tried, but if you haven't tried a variety of anti-anxiety meds and/or atypical antipsychotics (abilify, etc) you still have medication options before throwing your lives upside down (and still needing to deal with anxiety and behavior, but with less of a support network).

If you move to Pa, cyber charter is free and easy to join. There are many choices.

This area offers so many opportunities as the kids get older. It’s true home schooling is not hugely popular around here. But home schooling also doesn’t mean that mom or dad has to be the person providing instruction. With your current salaries, could you hire a full time driving nanny? Many people would like a 9-3 or 8-5 nanny job that mostly involves driving kids around.

That would open up homeschool co-ops, online classes supervised by the nanny, homeschool swim or gymnastics classes.

You might be better off moving somewhere cheaper with better schools for special needs. There’s someone here who often posts about Indianapolis. And then maybe one of you can go part time.

I have one kid like this. We got grandparents to pay for special needs private school and I cut back to part time. Staying in the DMV helps us continue to access more specialists - therapist, OT. Less options in a rural area.

That sounds incredibly isolating. I couldn’t do it. Too many hours of just you and the kids. Too little community support. Unless you’re moving to a place where you have a built in village I wouldn’t do it.

Hi everyone, wondering whether anyone here has quit their job and moved to a cheaper cost of living area to homeschool their special needs child. I have 3 elementary-school-aged DC, of which 2 are high-functioning ASD/ADHD/PDA plus anxiety. Both are medicated with guanfacine but still frequently have severe behavioral issues and we get calls from their school regularly. My DH and I are both working full-time, constantly stressed about either the kids or money. Unless there's a miracle medication that we haven't discovered yet, we are thinking about one of us packing in work and trying to homeschool them, but we would need to sell our current house and move somewhere cheaper (as we rely on 2 incomes). Has anyone here been there, done that?