Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, then ask them as you do here that what do they expect you to do about any of this? Maybe they do want to set you up with someone, but don't want to push it? I find our parents generation poor communicators, as if they think we read their minds.

I have asked them what they expect me to do about it.

Even if I met someone, they wouldn't approve of him. They've never approved of anyone I've ever dated.

The only kind of man they'd accept as my partner is Jewish, a doctor, maybe a judge, two to five years my senior, never married, no children, a homeowner, a feminist who supports me while I stay home, no tattoos, slim and healthy, maybe a few other small requirements...sigh. I couldn't find that man when I was 25 (though to be fair, that was never really my type) and I'm certainly not going to find him at 49! But they actually seem to think that the world is full of these men and act like I've done something wrong by not finding him. Maybe I should ask them to find this guy for me since they're so convinced that he's out there! But I'm actually quite content with my life as it is.

I just wish they'd stop fretting, but I know they never will and it makes me sad.

You totally should, nothing to lose. Will keep them occupied and off your back.

Anonymous wrote:Well, then ask them as you do here that what do they expect you to do about any of this? Maybe they do want to set you up with someone, but don't want to push it? I find our parents generation poor communicators, as if they think we read their minds.

I have asked them what they expect me to do about it.

Even if I met someone, they wouldn't approve of him. They've never approved of anyone I've ever dated.

The only kind of man they'd accept as my partner is Jewish, a doctor, maybe a judge, two to five years my senior, never married, no children, a homeowner, a feminist who supports me while I stay home, no tattoos, slim and healthy, maybe a few other small requirements...sigh. I couldn't find that man when I was 25 (though to be fair, that was never really my type) and I'm certainly not going to find him at 49! But they actually seem to think that the world is full of these men and act like I've done something wrong by not finding him. Maybe I should ask them to find this guy for me since they're so convinced that he's out there! But I'm actually quite content with my life as it is.

I just wish they'd stop fretting, but I know they never will and it makes me sad.

Well, then ask them as you do here that what do they expect you to do about any of this? Maybe they do want to set you up with someone, but don't want to push it? I find our parents generation poor communicators, as if they think we read their minds.

Anonymous wrote:You need to tell them to stop because it is making you not want to visit them. If they continue, shorten your visit. They should get the hint.

I mean at this point they’re not going to remember anything I tell them anyway. It’s just something I’m going to have to tolerate. I guess I just need to complain about it sometimes.

You need to tell them to stop because it is making you not want to visit them. If they continue, shorten your visit. They should get the hint.

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's ok to be who you are.

Tell your parents that it makes you feel criticized and "not enough" when they go on about your not being married. They are creating distance in the relationship. Maybe they will be able to reflect on that and leave you alone.

Parents can have dreams for their kids but at the end of the day, we are releasing humans to live the lives they make for themselves.

You are not responsible for their feelings about you.

Thanks PP, this is kind of you.

I do try to tell them this but then they say I’m being defensive and that they just love me and care about me. It’s probably not going to change at this point but ugh it’s so frustrating, especially when I’m visiting them. Overall we get along really well. But it comes up all the time, I get exasperated, then they get upset, and then it gets dropped till the next time it comes up.

OP, it's ok to be who you are.

Tell your parents that it makes you feel criticized and "not enough" when they go on about your not being married. They are creating distance in the relationship. Maybe they will be able to reflect on that and leave you alone.

Parents can have dreams for their kids but at the end of the day, we are releasing humans to live the lives they make for themselves.

You are not responsible for their feelings about you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let them arrange a marriage with a nice, pretty wealthy daughter or niece of their church friends. I've seen really average guys and gals score spouses way out of their league with arranged marriages.

I'm a heterosexual woman and we're Jewish.

Aren't Jewish parents always trying to set up their kids with others in their congregation? At least that's what seems to be the case on TV.

No.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let them arrange a marriage with a nice, pretty wealthy daughter or niece of their church friends. I've seen really average guys and gals score spouses way out of their league with arranged marriages.

I'm a heterosexual woman and we're Jewish.

Aren't Jewish parents always trying to set up their kids with others in their congregation? At least that's what seems to be the case on TV.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
First, some people are worriers. After decades of denying it, I finally went on anxiety meds. Your parents are of the generation that often doesn't believe in mental health issues.

Second, perhaps they're realizing they're nearing the end of their lifespan, and they regret that they can't see you more settled in life before they leave. My uncle finally had a grandchild at 85, after he'd given up. He's been so happy since. His only kid isn't married, and never will be, and isn't rich, and never will be. But having a grandchild has been the most powerful mood booster for him, and I'm so happy he lived to take care of the baby himself.

Not saying you should get a better-paying job, get married or have kids just to please your parents! But... they're feeling some regret and insecurity on your behalf. It's understandable, and it's also understandable that you should detach from that.

Live your best life, OP.

Thanks PP.
My parents are a retired doctor and nurse and my mom has been on meds for depression for most of her adult life. My dad definitely has untreated anxiety which he denies. They do have several grandchildren, who are all grown now. There's a good chance they'll live long enough to meet a great-grandchild or two!
They've always had really high expectations and are a bit critical, though they're supportive. I definitely haven't had the life they wanted for me, and I'm not always thrilled with it either, but I'm really quite content. Besides, I don't know what they want me to do about it at this point!

Ah, that puts a slightly different spin on things. So you didn't measure up. Well, too bad for them, isn't it?

Anonymous wrote:
First, some people are worriers. After decades of denying it, I finally went on anxiety meds. Your parents are of the generation that often doesn't believe in mental health issues.

Second, perhaps they're realizing they're nearing the end of their lifespan, and they regret that they can't see you more settled in life before they leave. My uncle finally had a grandchild at 85, after he'd given up. He's been so happy since. His only kid isn't married, and never will be, and isn't rich, and never will be. But having a grandchild has been the most powerful mood booster for him, and I'm so happy he lived to take care of the baby himself.

Not saying you should get a better-paying job, get married or have kids just to please your parents! But... they're feeling some regret and insecurity on your behalf. It's understandable, and it's also understandable that you should detach from that.

Live your best life, OP.

Thanks PP.
My parents are a retired doctor and nurse and my mom has been on meds for depression for most of her adult life. My dad definitely has untreated anxiety which he denies. They do have several grandchildren, who are all grown now. There's a good chance they'll live long enough to meet a great-grandchild or two!
They've always had really high expectations and are a bit critical, though they're supportive. I definitely haven't had the life they wanted for me, and I'm not always thrilled with it either, but I'm really quite content. Besides, I don't know what they want me to do about it at this point!

First, some people are worriers. After decades of denying it, I finally went on anxiety meds. Your parents are of the generation that often doesn't believe in mental health issues.

Second, perhaps they're realizing they're nearing the end of their lifespan, and they regret that they can't see you more settled in life before they leave. My uncle finally had a grandchild at 85, after he'd given up. He's been so happy since. His only kid isn't married, and never will be, and isn't rich, and never will be. But having a grandchild has been the most powerful mood booster for him, and I'm so happy he lived to take care of the baby himself.

Not saying you should get a better-paying job, get married or have kids just to please your parents! But... they're feeling some regret and insecurity on your behalf. It's understandable, and it's also understandable that you should detach from that.

Live your best life, OP.

Anonymous wrote:Let them arrange a marriage with a nice, pretty wealthy daughter or niece of their church friends. I've seen really average guys and gals score spouses way out of their league with arranged marriages.

I'm a heterosexual woman and we're Jewish.

Let them arrange a marriage with a nice, pretty wealthy daughter or niece of their church friends. I've seen really average guys and gals score spouses way out of their league with arranged marriages.

So, I'm the adult child in this situation. I'm 49. My parents are 80 and 77. I love them, they love me, we have a great relationship.
But they will not stop fretting about me, no matter how many times I tell them that I am mostly happy.
They mainly worry that I am single, but they also worry that I won't have enough money. Sure, I'd prefer to be in a good relationship than alone, but I'd rather be single than in a bad relationship, or in a relationship just for the sake of it. As for money, well, there's never enough, but I'll be okay.

I know that parents worry about their kids and the worrying never stops. But it saddens me. I hate to think of them at the end of what have been great lives, having raised two overall great kids, and not being at peace because I'm single...when I'm not even unhappy about it.

I'm visiting them right now and they brought it up and I just don't know what to say anymore. I'm fine. Truly.