Just because he means it like love doesn't mean you take it like love.

How would he like it if you showed him love by constantly poking fun at his [insert anything here]?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend is Middle Eastern & he and his friends are constantly teasing each other and ribbing each other in a group chat. He ended up doing that to me too, which initially was a bit of an issue, but then I pushed back and also ribbed in return. He just said that he and his friends aren’t serious and this is just how they’ve communicated all their lives. I am not one of the guys, but he can’t help but tease or rib me as well. I’ve come to accept it, but I see how you might not want this to continue.

DP. So "ribbing in return" did not work for you, in terms of getting him to stop, and you've felt you had to accept it even though you dislike it. He "can't help" it with you? Wow. Has he even truly tried?

OP, don't do ribbing in return at your DH. It will only egg him on. It's tacit approval of his ribbing you, if you rib him in response. Talk to him like an adult and say what you said to us about how it makes you feel.

Pp here. Yes, my boyfriend has tried to stop after I told him my feelings were hurt after certain jokes. He understands that I’m not as “jokey” as his buddies and that I’m sensitive at times and feel offended. Overall I kind of like sarcastic and irreverent humor.. so at times he makes me laugh & other times my feelings get hurt. It’s a fine line knowing when someone is going too far with their ribbing.

Why did you marry someone who makes fun of you if you aren’t into that? Do you have any standards?

Yeah, I would not be okay with that. When you say "I tease because I love" that is ignoring "I cry because your teasing hurts me." And that's cruel.

I know the type you are describing. Did he change after you got married? I think this is one of those situations where marriage counseling could be beneficial. When you don't grow up an environment where compliments and loving words and all that is normal, it can be difficult to figure out how to say it. Someone who can work on your communication would help. Plus if you're actually at the point where you worry you'd cheat, obviously there are other issues in your marriage.

Ribbing has to include loads of self deprecation, otherwise it is just meanness disguised as "jokes".

I watch my DH's family treat each other like this. Guess what? My MIL has alienated herself from almost every single extended family member. She doesn't know where the line of "oh haha this is a quirk we can joke about" becomes "wow I'm just an a-hole ragging on every tiny little thing about you". She also has ZERO self-awareness and ability to laugh at herself. If anyone says an even slightly pointed comment at her, she loses her mind and cries.

Thankfully my DH learned some social skills other places. But yes, we had many discussions about how kids don't always want to be "teased" and how I don't either. An occasion joke fine. But you have to also make fun of yourself. We also spent a lot of time talking about how you actually communicate needs and how passive aggressive comments don't get the job done. Say what you mean sometimes.

The idea that "this is the only way I can communicate" is nonsense. He can learn new ways. If he WANTS to. Only he can decide if it's worth it.

Start the conversations now, before kids.

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend is Middle Eastern & he and his friends are constantly teasing each other and ribbing each other in a group chat. He ended up doing that to me too, which initially was a bit of an issue, but then I pushed back and also ribbed in return. He just said that he and his friends aren’t serious and this is just how they’ve communicated all their lives. I am not one of the guys, but he can’t help but tease or rib me as well. I’ve come to accept it, but I see how you might not want this to continue.

DP. So "ribbing in return" did not work for you, in terms of getting him to stop, and you've felt you had to accept it even though you dislike it. He "can't help" it with you? Wow. Has he even truly tried?

OP, don't do ribbing in return at your DH. It will only egg him on. It's tacit approval of his ribbing you, if you rib him in response. Talk to him like an adult and say what you said to us about how it makes you feel.

It’s not loving, it’s just the only communication style he knows. I would not be ok with it.

My boyfriend is Middle Eastern & he and his friends are constantly teasing each other and ribbing each other in a group chat. He ended up doing that to me too, which initially was a bit of an issue, but then I pushed back and also ribbed in return. He just said that he and his friends aren’t serious and this is just how they’ve communicated all their lives. I am not one of the guys, but he can’t help but tease or rib me as well. I’ve come to accept it, but I see how you might not want this to continue.

Re: above from me -- sorry, I meant wife, not girlfriend.
And OP, if you do have kids: Be aware that they absolutley DO learn this way of communcating and will grow up to do as dad does and think that ribbing is fine, showing genuine emotion is not fine, and "my dad was like this" gives them the right never to change how they do things. He needs to model better ways of communicating and showing emotion for his kids, if you have them.

OP, take your middle paragraph from your post and use it as a script to tell him those exact things, in those exact words.

He needs to understand that he does not get to decide 100 percent what the communication style between you is. You have as much say in how you as a couple communicate as he does. He also is likely to double down becuase "that's just how my family talks to each other" but you and he are not "his family" -- you are a different entity as a couple. Explain that you understand his family ribs each other, and you like some joking, but constant ribbing is not working for you, with him. You feel, frankly, unloved. Right?

If he goes into "You're too uptight," "You need to get a sense of humor," "You're overreacting," "You're too sensitive," "Learn to take a joke" -- or any variations on those--that is a bad sign. Those are all the things people say to justify and explain away their own inability to communicate in any direct emotional way. Call him out if he says these types of things. It is NOT "too sensitive" or "overly emotional" or "humorless" to say, I tell you I love you and I tell you why, but you do not reciprocate, and I feel like the butt of the joke, not someone you care about.

Ribbing and poking fun is fine but not if either person in a couple doesn't want it. Period. And "my family is like this" is no excuse. You're not his sister, cousin or mom, you're his girlfriend.

Anonymous wrote:H comes from a family where ribbing is how family members interact with each other. I’ve brought up recently I wish we had more romance. I don’t need expensive candlelit dinners, but words of affirmation are my love language, and I’d love to hear more kind, loving words.

H responded that his form of ribbing is romantic and that’s how he shows affection. But it doesn’t feel loving to me, most of the time it just feels like I’m constantly being made fun of and I hate it. To the point I don’t even really want to talk to him because I know he’ll make fun of me. One time I asked him to name something he actually liked about me and he couldn’t think of anything.

I’m worried because if a guy did come along who said all the right things, I don’t think I’d be able to resist. I know it would be fake but it would be nice to hear SOMETHING affectionate about me.

This seems like quite the leap and also something that doesn’t really happen that often?

How did you interact when you were dating? How did you fall in love with him?

Do you have kids?

H comes from a family where ribbing is how family members interact with each other. I’ve brought up recently I wish we had more romance. I don’t need expensive candlelit dinners, but words of affirmation are my love language, and I’d love to hear more kind, loving words.

H responded that his form of ribbing is romantic and that’s how he shows affection. But it doesn’t feel loving to me, most of the time it just feels like I’m constantly being made fun of and I hate it. To the point I don’t even really want to talk to him because I know he’ll make fun of me. One time I asked him to name something he actually liked about me and he couldn’t think of anything.

I’m worried because if a guy did come along who said all the right things, I don’t think I’d be able to resist. I know it would be fake but it would be nice to hear SOMETHING affectionate about me.