Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think (and I'm not a MIL yet) that sometimes moms make it their business because they think the wifey is misusing the son. Like working 60 hours a week is a lot when the DIL is SAHM and doing wine evenings every day "when life gets tough" with kids in disarray. Let's be honest, there are plenty of women who misuse men and MIL knows it first hand.

Even if that’s the case it’s still not their business bc that’s a husband and wife matter. It’s insulting to your son to assume he is too dumb to see if for himself. And that he needs mommy to jump in and protect him from his wife. That goes back to what I said about the household arrangements being between the 2 of them. Husband is a big boy and can speak up. Yes working 60 hours is a lot but eventually you get to come home from doing that. Being a SAHM of young children who aren’t in school at all is just as challenging but in a different type of way than working an outside the home job. Interesting that MIL who is another woman and obviously used to be a mother of a young child herself wouldn’t appreciate a woman’s work being undervalued. Of course women deserve downtime! If anything I see it the opposite way where men come home and continue to assume all the parenting duties falls onto the mom instead of realizing that mom has been dealing with colicky screaming baby Larla alllll day and may need a break. Trust me men aren’t victims here being mistreated by mean women. It’s still not MIL’s business at all. Her son is a married man and has left the nest as an adult and doesn’t need his mom to swoop in and save him. Those are matters that are the business of husband and wife. Not a third party who isn’t even there.

OMG relax. Stop trying to justify your existence. Working 60 hours a week is a lot. Your husband has likely complained about it. So his mom thinks he's working too hard. Deal with your husband issues not your MIL.

You have a husband problem, not a MIL problem.

It's triangulation. If you live near this person I would move. It's how they feel they are helping through their opinions

Anonymous wrote:I think (and I'm not a MIL yet) that sometimes moms make it their business because they think the wifey is misusing the son. Like working 60 hours a week is a lot when the DIL is SAHM and doing wine evenings every day "when life gets tough" with kids in disarray. Let's be honest, there are plenty of women who misuse men and MIL knows it first hand.

Even if that’s the case it’s still not their business bc that’s a husband and wife matter. It’s insulting to your son to assume he is too dumb to see if for himself. And that he needs mommy to jump in and protect him from his wife. That goes back to what I said about the household arrangements being between the 2 of them. Husband is a big boy and can speak up. Yes working 60 hours is a lot but eventually you get to come home from doing that. Being a SAHM of young children who aren’t in school at all is just as challenging but in a different type of way than working an outside the home job. Interesting that MIL who is another woman and obviously used to be a mother of a young child herself wouldn’t appreciate a woman’s work being undervalued. Of course women deserve downtime! If anything I see it the opposite way where men come home and continue to assume all the parenting duties falls onto the mom instead of realizing that mom has been dealing with colicky screaming baby Larla alllll day and may need a break. Trust me men aren’t victims here being mistreated by mean women. It’s still not MIL’s business at all. Her son is a married man and has left the nest as an adult and doesn’t need his mom to swoop in and save him. Those are matters that are the business of husband and wife. Not a third party who isn’t even there.

I think (and I'm not a MIL yet) that sometimes moms make it their business because they think the wifey is misusing the son. Like working 60 hours a week is a lot when the DIL is SAHM and doing wine evenings every day "when life gets tough" with kids in disarray. Let's be honest, there are plenty of women who misuse men and MIL knows it first hand.

Anonymous wrote:Husband problem.

Yup 100% agreed! if husbands stopped telling their mother every detail of their arrangement within their marriage they wouldn’t be have access to the information to judge in the first place.

I told my husband when we first got married that his nosy mother had no business in our marriage and he isn’t to tell her our financial or household set up bc she would judge and if she didn’t have anything to judge she couldn’t. He’s followed this and ever since then our relationship has been smooth sailing with his mother and easy going.

Husband problem.

PP, that's pretty hilarious coming from a Brit, given their upper class has a centuries-long tradition of not raising their own children.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let’s say it louder for the people in the back- true feminism is supporting women in ALL their choices, not just the ones you agree with.

Yup exactly. It was mentioned in another thread how some MILs would love it if their DILs stayed home because it would support their son’s career and I’m like holy shit what!?!! So even in 2024 a woman’s sole purpose is to smile and nod and make things easier for the man so he can move up in the corporate ladder?? If my MIL only saw me as that I would be so hurt. Luckily my MIL sees me as a full person and member of her family with so much to offer.

My own mom thinks I should stay home so my husband could lean in and make more money and I could avoid daycare. My mom is more offended that my husband doesn’t make enough to support a family

It’s that old school generational mindset of how the order of things should go. The man goes out and makes all the money and the woman stays home and raises the children. Those from that generation who feel that way will never change their mindset. And oh yeah you can’t forget the sprinkled topping of, “how can you let strangers raise your children.” I’m sorry your own mom is like that. How do you respond to her when she pushes that agenda on you?

DP

My MIL is also very much like that. When we hired a nanny after child 2 was born she literally said "I couldn't believe it that you would put your first child in someone else's care. Now 2!!" In her stuffy judgmental british accent. I looked her straight in the eye and said, I provide this quality of life for this family because we cannot do it on one income and have zero family help. She was offended and I didn't care. As the kids aged (both girls) she saw how well rounded and articulate they are, but I still made her stuffy wrinkled skin crawl with phrases like "no asky no getsky". Because, of course women have to wait for everything to be offered and aren't allowed to go after what they truly want in her eyes. I still don't care that those things offend her. However, all the great things my kids are comes from her side of the family or are inherent to them, all the bad things are still because of me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let’s say it louder for the people in the back- true feminism is supporting women in ALL their choices, not just the ones you agree with.

Yup exactly. It was mentioned in another thread how some MILs would love it if their DILs stayed home because it would support their son’s career and I’m like holy shit what!?!! So even in 2024 a woman’s sole purpose is to smile and nod and make things easier for the man so he can move up in the corporate ladder?? If my MIL only saw me as that I would be so hurt. Luckily my MIL sees me as a full person and member of her family with so much to offer.

My own mom thinks I should stay home so my husband could lean in and make more money and I could avoid daycare. My mom is more offended that my husband doesn’t make enough to support a family

It’s that old school generational mindset of how the order of things should go. The man goes out and makes all the money and the woman stays home and raises the children. Those from that generation who feel that way will never change their mindset. And oh yeah you can’t forget the sprinkled topping of, “how can you let strangers raise your children.” I’m sorry your own mom is like that. How do you respond to her when she pushes that agenda on you?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let’s say it louder for the people in the back- true feminism is supporting women in ALL their choices, not just the ones you agree with.

Yup exactly. It was mentioned in another thread how some MILs would love it if their DILs stayed home because it would support their son’s career and I’m like holy shit what!?!! So even in 2024 a woman’s sole purpose is to smile and nod and make things easier for the man so he can move up in the corporate ladder?? If my MIL only saw me as that I would be so hurt. Luckily my MIL sees me as a full person and member of her family with so much to offer.

My own mom thinks I should stay home so my husband could lean in and make more money and I could avoid daycare. My mom is more offended that my husband doesn’t make enough to support a family

Anonymous wrote:Let’s say it louder for the people in the back- true feminism is supporting women in ALL their choices, not just the ones you agree with.

Yup exactly. It was mentioned in another thread how some MILs would love it if their DILs stayed home because it would support their son’s career and I’m like holy shit what!?!! So even in 2024 a woman’s sole purpose is to smile and nod and make things easier for the man so he can move up in the corporate ladder?? If my MIL only saw me as that I would be so hurt. Luckily my MIL sees me as a full person and member of her family with so much to offer.

Let’s say it louder for the people in the back- true feminism is supporting women in ALL their choices, not just the ones you agree with.

Oh yea wanted to add being a busybody and going behind your DIL’s back to ask your son about why or how or the reasons behind their marital arrangement is also wayyy out of line. Sad though that actually needs to be said.

A spin off of the other thread kinda:

When will MILs realize that how her son and DIL conduct their marriage is zero percent her business!? If the DIL stays at home and the son works 60 hours a week and they are HAPPY and that arrangement works for them then it’s between the 2 of them and any children they may have. If the DIL works 60 hours a week and the son stays home also not the MIL’s business. If the child is in daycare\preschool and the DIL and son both work also not MIL’s business. If the son works a lot of hours and they have no children and the DIL prefers to stay home to do a cartwheel everyday at 1 and 3 PM again not her business.

Why would the MIL’s default be to assume her son isn’t 100% ok in the arrangement of their marriage otherwise he would leave. Why treat men like they are poor poor helpless victims to meanie evil women. What is MIL’s business is her own household whether that is her and her husband, her and her wife, or her and her BF/GF, or her living alone. Her son has now grown up and moved on and has his own household and his marriage is his business.

Besides being a SAHM is a huuuge contribution. Saving money on an expensive daycare/preschool. Not to mention all the labor that the DIL is doing that doesn’t have to be outsourced for such as hiring a housekeeper, nanny, lawn maintenance person etc. which if both people in the marriage work and have kids they might not have time to do.

Also I find it ironic that MILs who are women themselves belittle another woman’s choice or look down on something. It sets the woman’s movement back so far.