Anonymous wrote:Figure out what boundaries you want to set and do it. No need to spend your vacation time with someone you don't enjoy spending time with. Stop hosting the big family dinners. Figure out a new tradition that works better for you, like everyone shares in having the meal catered at your parents.

Anonymous wrote:She sounds mentally ill. That’s very difficult to wrangle. Therapy seems like a good idea to help you figure out boundaries, which for one thing will help you preserve your relationship with your parents. And do not feel bad about your parents being hurt if you decline to join things when your sister is there. Do your parents acknowledge how difficult she can be? Or do they just pretend she’s great, even when she—a grown woman—is screaming at you or others?

Anonymous wrote:You say your kids are well behaved but then talk about your toddler whining. In our home whining is completely unacceptable. What she did was wasteful but we wouldn’t hesitate to take away his juice and say “children who whine get nothing “.

OP, I second therapy for you. It sounds like the family dynamic is unhealthy and you’re stuck in a role that is miserable. I think a therapist could help you figure out what you want, what’s realistic, and how to set boundaries that work for you. Don’t have a screaming match and accept that it’s unlikely that your sister and parents wil change. Focus on what you can control- your own choices and behavior. Whatever you decide it’s probably going to result in some pushback from your parents. They are not going to like it when you start saying no to some things. A good therapist can help you plan for how to deal with that as well.

Anonymous wrote:You say your kids are well behaved but then talk about your toddler whining. In our home whining is completely unacceptable. What she did was wasteful but we wouldn’t hesitate to take away his juice and say “children who whine get nothing “.

Anonymous wrote:TLDR- difficult sister makes my parents’ life difficult and it seems there’s nothing I can do.

I’m very close to my parents. We live nearby them and we both help each other often. I don’t rely on them for childcare or need their help. I cook dinner for my parents weekly, we help them extensively with their home improvement projects, get them tickets to all kid activities and include them anytime they’d like. My mom and I really get along well and like crafting and shopping together.

I was the older child and I had an incredibly difficult little sister. She was prettier and smarter than me, demanding, argumentative and can be vicious. My parents and I walk on eggshells around her. I don’t engage and generally just smile and say hi. The most benign conversations with her turn into her screaming or hitting me, so I don’t try. I have a lot of anxiety about this and grew up to be a people pleaser, which I hate. Looking back over my childhood, everyone just loved my sister and they still talk about her.

The thing that bothers me is that when she is around, my parents drop me instantly. At holiday dinners (which I host!) my parents will suck up to her and spend the entire night trying to be nice to her. I feel like the Little Red Hen doing all the daily work and then she sweeps in and gets holiday attention. Occasionally she comes on vacations and the entire vacation becomes her wants and needs. Everyone, including my very young children, better go along with it. She has no patience with kids even though mine are pretty well behaved (like she brought my toddler a juice and he started whining he wanted the other juice. So she poured it out in front of him and walked away)

I know in my mind that my parents are just trying to have a good relationship with her. I have backed out of plans that I know she’s attending, but my parents are very hurt by that too. And I’m just over here trying to manage everyone’s emotions and wishing everyone got along.

If anyone has some insight, I’d love to hear it. My life is so wonderful otherwise. Should I just cut her out of my life? Should I just suck it up? Should I just have a screaming match with her to clear the air? No choice is great.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You say your kids are well behaved but then talk about your toddler whining. In our home whining is completely unacceptable. What she did was wasteful but we wouldn’t hesitate to take away his juice and say “children who whine get nothing “.

Whoosh. Also you’re doing that wrong. You gently say, “I can’t hear you when you use that tone of voice.” And on a holiday where an overstimulated toddler who is probably missing a nap is struggling you cut them a break or get their parent.

OP, I second therapy for you. It sounds like the family dynamic is unhealthy and you’re stuck in a role that is miserable. I think a therapist could help you figure out what you want, what’s realistic, and how to set boundaries that work for you. Don’t have a screaming match and accept that it’s unlikely that your sister and parents wil change. Focus on what you can control- your own choices and behavior. Whatever you decide it’s probably going to result in some pushback from your parents. They are not going to like it when you start saying no to some things. A good therapist can help you plan for how to deal with that as well.

Anonymous wrote:You say your kids are well behaved but then talk about your toddler whining. In our home whining is completely unacceptable. What she did was wasteful but we wouldn’t hesitate to take away his juice and say “children who whine get nothing “.