Don't dump your trauma on a college student.

Something like this happened when my parents split and I was the college student. For a long time my mother was incandescent with rage and really hard to be around. I didn’t know about the affair until she moved in with my dad. In the interim he was much easier to be around. Therapy is a good idea.

Anonymous wrote:You should have 2 concerns at this time:

1. How to make sure your kid continues to do well in college

and

2. How to pay for your kid's college

Hopefully you had #2 figured out before you chose to uncover your husband's affair and break up the marriage instead of letting the affair smolder. Most affairs eventually stop on their own if you just let them alone. Now this is a much messier situation that is harder to fix.

If you kind of got all emotional and did not really think #2 through, then you need to start thinking about it.

It is horrid, but there is most likely no legal recourse to make your husband pay for your child's college if they choose not to do it. If you are financially set, and kid's tution is all locked in within a dedicated fully funded 529 plan, that is great! Otherwise, you may find out your husband's priorities have waaaaaaaaaaay shifted now.

As to the substance of your question, say whatever you need to your kid to allow them to keep studying instead of getting depressed, or overly involved in this sordid affair. You are super focused on your own feelings of being betrayed right now. These are important, but if you can, talk them through with the therapist or something, and focus on supporting your child.

This is sneaky and strategic and, I hate to admit it, smart. Especially for people who are relying on their crappy cheating spouse to pay for college.

But a lot of people can't live this way...people want to be able to trust their spouse. I would not have been able to let the affair "run its course", stay married, and be cool and strategic after being betrayed by the person who was supposed to have my back.

Anonymous wrote:He made the decision to leave so I am not willing to present this as "we made the decision not to stay married". Our dc is coming home for Thanksgiving. DH is in the process of moving out. Advice appreciated.

Are you certain your kid doesn’t know?

Pack up his crap and put it out and change the locks. Wait till break. He needs to focus on school.

Probably better coming from you than whatever version he'll give.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry this is happening to you, OP. It's going to be tough on you and maybe your kid, even college-aged.

If you don't want to blindside your child when they arrive and ask where dad and his stuff is, I would give a call and just tell them what is happening. There isn't any way to soften it, and I'd try to just matter of factly tell them what is happening. You can be real with your emotions too. If you're sad or angry, I'd share that, but give your kid space to feel differently.

In your shoes, I might be flexible to shake up the routine and not do the same old Thanksgiving dinner. Depending on how the kid reacts, maybe I'd take us both to a nice spa for the break instead. Or if they want to come home and see their high-school friends, try to be understanding to that, but get some peer/adult support around you for the holidays

We were invited to my best friend's house for Thanksgiving dinner and I would like to keep that plan, without dh, obviously.

I would call your kid now and let them know. Hopefully they will be up for going to your brst friends house with you.

Try not to take it personally if the kid doesn't react exactly as you expect them to. This is not the height of maturity and they might want to be with their own friends. My parents divorced when I was this age and I totally avoided both of them and glommed onto my boyfriend's family. What if your kid wants to hang with his/her Dad? What if the kid already knows about the AP? I mean... just try to stay neutral and expectations/pressure low

You should have 2 concerns at this time:

1. How to make sure your kid continues to do well in college

and

2. How to pay for your kid's college

Hopefully you had #2 figured out before you chose to uncover your husband's affair and break up the marriage instead of letting the affair smolder. Most affairs eventually stop on their own if you just let them alone. Now this is a much messier situation that is harder to fix.

If you kind of got all emotional and did not really think #2 through, then you need to start thinking about it.

It is horrid, but there is most likely no legal recourse to make your husband pay for your child's college if they choose not to do it. If you are financially set, and kid's tution is all locked in within a dedicated fully funded 529 plan, that is great! Otherwise, you may find out your husband's priorities have waaaaaaaaaaay shifted now.

As to the substance of your question, say whatever you need to your kid to allow them to keep studying instead of getting depressed, or overly involved in this sordid affair. You are super focused on your own feelings of being betrayed right now. These are important, but if you can, talk them through with the therapist or something, and focus on supporting your child.

Anonymous wrote:Let him explain it to the kid?

(Bitter laugh) He couldn't even explain it to ME. I had to drag it out of him based on mounting evidence. And then he admitted and then said he was moving out. I don't think he really gives AF about anyone's feelings right now but I'm not going to do this heavy lifting for him. He's not capable of being honest and if he were to tell dc on his own he would not be truthful about this being a unilateral decision and not a conscious uncoupling (insert vomit emoji...)

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry this is happening to you, OP. It's going to be tough on you and maybe your kid, even college-aged.

If you don't want to blindside your child when they arrive and ask where dad and his stuff is, I would give a call and just tell them what is happening. There isn't any way to soften it, and I'd try to just matter of factly tell them what is happening. You can be real with your emotions too. If you're sad or angry, I'd share that, but give your kid space to feel differently.

In your shoes, I might be flexible to shake up the routine and not do the same old Thanksgiving dinner. Depending on how the kid reacts, maybe I'd take us both to a nice spa for the break instead. Or if they want to come home and see their high-school friends, try to be understanding to that, but get some peer/adult support around you for the holidays

We were invited to my best friend's house for Thanksgiving dinner and I would like to keep that plan, without dh, obviously.

Anonymous wrote:Let him explain it to the kid?

Before they come home for break or now because it's happening now? He's such a coward and he hasn't even THOUGHT about how to tell them.

I'm sorry this is happening to you, OP. It's going to be tough on you and maybe your kid, even college-aged.

If you don't want to blindside your child when they arrive and ask where dad and his stuff is, I would give a call and just tell them what is happening. There isn't any way to soften it, and I'd try to just matter of factly tell them what is happening. You can be real with your emotions too. If you're sad or angry, I'd share that, but give your kid space to feel differently.

In your shoes, I might be flexible to shake up the routine and not do the same old Thanksgiving dinner. Depending on how the kid reacts, maybe I'd take us both to a nice spa for the break instead. Or if they want to come home and see their high-school friends, try to be understanding to that, but get some peer/adult support around you for the holidays

I wouldn't volunteer unless asked, and if asked, just the facts. Your Dad is in a relationship with someone else.

Let him explain it to the kid?

He made the decision to leave so I am not willing to present this as "we made the decision not to stay married". Our dc is coming home for Thanksgiving. DH is in the process of moving out. Advice appreciated.