I would say: My dad would love to see you all, but he's a fall risk so it's not a good idea for him to leave the CCRC. He would love it if you came to CCRC for lunch. Then set a date.

I will add, there are some elderly that aren't in a CCRC who don't love going to them. A glimpse of what they don't want happening to them.

You might see if a Saturday could work, then you set up the lunch in his apartment so they don't have to go to the dining room with the other elderly. (I get that this is ridiculous, just sharing some insight that I have learned along the way with elderly grandparents, and now parents.)

Anonymous wrote:Is your dad mentally competent? What does he have to say about this?

No, he isn't 100% mentally competent. I manage his affairs.

OP

Is your dad mentally competent? What does he have to say about this?

Sometimes diarrhea? Maybe an accident?

Many can manage possible incontinence without confining people to home.

Anonymous wrote:To be a bit of a contrarian, if your dad is mentally competent at all why isn’t this his call? Also how likely is an accident really? Once a week or just a risk? Something like going out with friends for the last few times is not something you should force him to give up when the risk is at most embarrassment

If dad poops in their car, they might not want to come back at all. I've had to clean up dad's poop before, and it's pretty gross and unwelcome. The poop escapes the Depends sometimes, especially after meals.

I don't want someone else to have to deal with this or for them not to want to visit again.

OP

Anonymous wrote:I think I'd start with something generic like he should really stay close to the assisted living facility due to medical issues.

Most people would accept that. But if they push - then it's time to explain in more detail.

Thank you. This might work. I don’t want it to seem like I’m not allowing it because I’m controlling or mean.

I’d love to avoid mentioning the details and maybe I can say it’s due to medical reasons. My father uses a walker and is a fall risk so maybe that will be enough.

To be a bit of a contrarian, if your dad is mentally competent at all why isn’t this his call? Also how likely is an accident really? Once a week or just a risk? Something like going out with friends for the last few times is not something you should force him to give up when the risk is at most embarrassment

Tell them.

I think I'd start with something generic like he should really stay close to the assisted living facility due to medical issues.

Most people would accept that. But if they push - then it's time to explain in more detail.

OP, I had to intervene when my ILs would insist upon taking my elderly mom out for meals - it became too stressful for all involved and at the time my mom used a walker.

I had to tell my ILs that they could not drive my mom off of the CCRC campus and that they could meet in the dining room for a meal or visit and eat in my mom’s apartment.

Intervene and say that your father needs to stay near a bathroom and would otherwise be uncomfortable out at a restaurant.

Anonymous wrote:Some assisted living places have private rooms for family gatherings. Does his place have something like that? You could bring in a special meal maybe?

They do. I suggested they have lunch there and charge it to the account.

They are going on a week day, or I’d consider going out to grab them food.

Maybe I will have to tell them after all.

OP

Some assisted living places have private rooms for family gatherings. Does his place have something like that? You could bring in a special meal maybe?

Anonymous wrote:Tell them? I'd appreciate the heads up and change plans accordingly.

Okay, I posted too quickly. Which is worse for your father's dignity: the revelation that age has affected him and thus plans should change or his actually having a toilet issue in front of friends?

Tell them? I'd appreciate the heads up and change plans accordingly.

My dad’s friends want to take him out to lunch. He’s 88 and has diarrhea sometimes.

How can I encourage the friends to stay at the assisted living with my dad without revealing the incontinence issues?

I’m nervous he will have an accident in their car.