I think I did three things right.

1. I found someone compatible with me. My husband is not perfect, he has some significant flaws, but those are the flaws I can deal with or tune out from. He will probably say the same thing about me.

2. I did not do it on purpose, but while dating, we spent lots of time together- just the two of us (long distance dating makes you do that). I was shocked how many marriages fell apart during Covid, but then realized that many couples have never been forced to spend much time holed up together and had no idea how they would function in that closed loop. We did and liked it.

3. Contrary to the popular advice from therapists, I am very direct and don’t do manure sandwiches. I am not waiting for a “better” time to have a conversation or look for gentle way to tell him that e.g. loud chewing is disgusting. I just say hey, cut that out.

Anonymous wrote:Finding someone with good emotional health and control. Finding someone who doesn’t want to spend their life bickering over stuff that doesn’t matter.

Yes this is DH and me. We are also pretty laid back. And we do truly find happiness in the other person being happy. And a good part of it is luck too.

Define successful.

Mostly I have remarkable endurance

I wish I had paid more attention to my husband’s poor emotional regulation (a trait he shares with most of his family). It’s been the single biggest contributor to my unhappiness in the marriage and regret in choosing him as a partner. But it doesn’t seem like enough of a reason to break up my children’s home.

Anonymous wrote:It’s some kind of combination of making a good choice and luck. It helps that I’m not attracted to men who are jerks or who are mean to me.

This. Also, my husband is a good person and ambitious and funny.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Finding someone with good emotional health and control. Finding someone who doesn’t want to spend their life bickering over stuff that doesn’t matter.

I think being willing to let stuff go is very underrated.

I remember when we got married there was all this talk about “never go to bed angry” but sometimes just going to bed is as good/better than spending an hour talking about it.

Yes, isn’t that what RGB meant when she said the secret to marriage is to be a little deaf (paraphrasing poorly here).

Watch how their family behaves and how they behave around their family…do they bicker, make fun of each other, hold grudges?

A lot is luck. And cutting each other a ton of slack.

Anonymous wrote:Low expectations.

Ha!

Yes! The secret of marriage is you have to just stay married

Anonymous wrote:Finding someone with good emotional health and control. Finding someone who doesn’t want to spend their life bickering over stuff that doesn’t matter.

I think being willing to let stuff go is very underrated.

I remember when we got married there was all this talk about “never go to bed angry” but sometimes just going to bed is as good/better than spending an hour talking about it.

Watch how someone reacts when they can’t find their keys and are running late for work.
If they have an adult tantrum about that….NEXT.

It’s some kind of combination of making a good choice and luck. It helps that I’m not attracted to men who are jerks or who are mean to me.

Finding someone with good emotional health and control. Finding someone who doesn’t want to spend their life bickering over stuff that doesn’t matter.

Low expectations.

Ha!

I’m curious to hear from people in happy relationships: what do you think it is about yourself/your spouse/your marriage that makes it work? What traits did you select for?