Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Given he changed there must have been something that wasn’t working for him before. So now he is taking a hard line. Somehow he didn’t feel the previous discussions were fruitful in reaching fair compromise so he is no longer willing to engage in something he didn’t think was effective. I don’t know your dynamic or what led to the change but it’s worth going back a bit and seeing what wasn’t working for him and what led to this rigid stance he has now.

I'll try to dig in more - any recs for how I should frame this to not come out as offensive and fend off defensiveness?

For now, he just says he is a different person and he wants to do what he wants and not what I want and he feels really tempted to just have an easy life where he just does only what he wants.

It sounds like he is telling you he wants a divorce! And, he does not want to be the bad guy so if he just keeps this up in private, and you leave him, he looks good to the world I suppose.

Just know the way he is treating you is unacceptable. No respect, and certainly no love. Your dc will pick up on this very, very soon!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We've been married 15 years. I feel like most of the big compromises (finances, kids, where to live) have all been settled. We generally had the same idea on those. Id say our biggest compromise now is DS' social life. DS is in 6th grade. I grew up very over scheduled. Lots of activities and playdates. Busy every weekend and most weeknights. DH grew up very opposite. He sometimes thinks I try to over schedule DS too much or that I stress out too much that DS isn't social enough or busy enough.

But our difference in how we view this doesn't cause problems. We discuss it, we discuss our different points, and then we figure out what works. We've reached a happy medium so far.

I think you're at the point where compromising isn't an option. There seems to be too much contempt. Compromising only works when both parties respect each other and want to work out the issue together. It's not his way or her way.

I thought there was not much too compromise. I was naive, a few years ago his views started shifting and now there is something new that was not there before every year. He is mostly not willing to discuss with me, maybe 5-10 mins then storms away and tells me I am free to divorce.

Has your prequency for having "personal time" changed with the baby (which I know is a common outcome).

My DH basically became irrational because we were down to maybe once every other month, and he didn't know how to communicate his needs about *that* but instead became rigid and strident on other topics as a side effect.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Given he changed there must have been something that wasn’t working for him before. So now he is taking a hard line. Somehow he didn’t feel the previous discussions were fruitful in reaching fair compromise so he is no longer willing to engage in something he didn’t think was effective. I don’t know your dynamic or what led to the change but it’s worth going back a bit and seeing what wasn’t working for him and what led to this rigid stance he has now.

I'll try to dig in more - any recs for how I should frame this to not come out as offensive and fend off defensiveness?

For now, he just says he is a different person and he wants to do what he wants and not what I want and he feels really tempted to just have an easy life where he just does only what he wants.

I don’t see why you would want to stay with him. Does he even want half custody?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Given he changed there must have been something that wasn’t working for him before. So now he is taking a hard line. Somehow he didn’t feel the previous discussions were fruitful in reaching fair compromise so he is no longer willing to engage in something he didn’t think was effective. I don’t know your dynamic or what led to the change but it’s worth going back a bit and seeing what wasn’t working for him and what led to this rigid stance he has now.

I'll try to dig in more - any recs for how I should frame this to not come out as offensive and fend off defensiveness?

For now, he just says he is a different person and he wants to do what he wants and not what I want and he feels really tempted to just have an easy life where he just does only what he wants.

That sounds like he has checked out of the marriage entirely. I think you need to find out if he actually wants to be married or not. I doubt this is the only issue.

Anonymous wrote:Given he changed there must have been something that wasn’t working for him before. So now he is taking a hard line. Somehow he didn’t feel the previous discussions were fruitful in reaching fair compromise so he is no longer willing to engage in something he didn’t think was effective. I don’t know your dynamic or what led to the change but it’s worth going back a bit and seeing what wasn’t working for him and what led to this rigid stance he has now.

I'll try to dig in more - any recs for how I should frame this to not come out as offensive and fend off defensiveness?

For now, he just says he is a different person and he wants to do what he wants and not what I want and he feels really tempted to just have an easy life where he just does only what he wants.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was he completely failing before to ask for what he wanted and now he's snapping back totally in the opposite direction?

Hard to say; we were pretty compatible and there were a couple areas where we both make compromises, but it was not a big deal. Since our toddler was born 3 years ago, his personality / views shifted 180 so our values are growing different by the way - mine have stayed stable and 7/10 have shifted dramatically for him. But while I am willing to meet him halfway for a good portion of these shifts, he is really on the side of "my way or the highway".

Now I am mostly willing to give in b/c I would rather do that than give up time with my child in a divorce - but hoping he has a limit? I have absolutely no leverage, he is not even willing to discuss serious topics (think our child's education/major house repairs, budget allocated for vacations, for longer than 5-10 mins if we don't see eye to eye and then gives me the silent treatment on that topic unless I give in; he literally retreats and shuts the door to his room and does not come back say the following morning to discuss, hangs up on me, moves to another room if I try to discuss before bed, he tells me that we should just get a divorce; at that point, I mostly give in b/c of the child).

And for those who will say - that I can't make these compromises all the time, taking them 1 by 1.

Major home expenses - I acquiesce mostly, spending time with my child is more important for me than getting a divorce b/c I did not agree to a $50K renovation. Sure, as a quick thing - I say, if we do that, let's also put in another 2K in our child's savings but disproportionately he "wins".

Education - I do influence here but if I ultimately don't go with his decision, then again, my other option is divorce where I have even less leverage to influence anything

Vacation budget - he spends on multiple vacations for him as much as he wants and wants us to cut down on family vacations or spend very little. Yes, I do manage to squeeze in a family vacation that is cheaper compared to his trips, but my option if I push back on his solo trips is divorce

Where to live - he is willing to compromise on location somewhat as long as he picks the house but every year his preferences change so not sure what next year will bring

Values imparted to child - we were very similar, he changed significantly, he tells me to divorce if I dont like it, but then again the child is even more exposed to his values of which I am not a fan (not getting a debate here on values, maybe he;s right, maybe I'm wrong).

The point is like I feel I have only some limited option to influence things and that requires a continuous stress and emotional toll on me, strategizing continuously, reading up on the best communication techniques, ignoring continued dvorce threats, and even then I maybe get 15% say into a relationship that very much started 50-50.

Given he changed there must have been something that wasn’t working for him before. So now he is taking a hard line. Somehow he didn’t feel the previous discussions were fruitful in reaching fair compromise so he is no longer willing to engage in something he didn’t think was effective. I don’t know your dynamic or what led to the change but it’s worth going back a bit and seeing what wasn’t working for him and what led to this rigid stance he has now.

What are examples of compromises that husbands made for you? Have you always given in to buying the house that your husband wanted, sending the child to the school they wanted, spending the budget 90% according to their wishes, or are there also cases in long-term marriages (not starter infatuated relationships) where the husband was willing to make real compromises (attention, not sacrifices) in these areas?

Anonymous wrote:We've been married 15 years. I feel like most of the big compromises (finances, kids, where to live) have all been settled. We generally had the same idea on those. Id say our biggest compromise now is DS' social life. DS is in 6th grade. I grew up very over scheduled. Lots of activities and playdates. Busy every weekend and most weeknights. DH grew up very opposite. He sometimes thinks I try to over schedule DS too much or that I stress out too much that DS isn't social enough or busy enough.

But our difference in how we view this doesn't cause problems. We discuss it, we discuss our different points, and then we figure out what works. We've reached a happy medium so far.

I think you're at the point where compromising isn't an option. There seems to be too much contempt. Compromising only works when both parties respect each other and want to work out the issue together. It's not his way or her way.

I thought there was not much too compromise. I was naive, a few years ago his views started shifting and now there is something new that was not there before every year. He is mostly not willing to discuss with me, maybe 5-10 mins then storms away and tells me I am free to divorce.

Anonymous wrote:I think you should call his bluff and peace out.

Right but he is willing to divorce and I am less willing to divorce. I mean I guess if he forces me, I can do it, but otherwise, I would rather agree to an exorbitant budget spent on something he wants rather than not see my child 100% of the time. And he's not dumb, he surely gets who has the leverage here.

Anonymous wrote:Was he completely failing before to ask for what he wanted and now he's snapping back totally in the opposite direction?

Hard to say; we were pretty compatible and there were a couple areas where we both make compromises, but it was not a big deal. Since our toddler was born 3 years ago, his personality / views shifted 180 so our values are growing different by the way - mine have stayed stable and 7/10 have shifted dramatically for him. But while I am willing to meet him halfway for a good portion of these shifts, he is really on the side of "my way or the highway".

Now I am mostly willing to give in b/c I would rather do that than give up time with my child in a divorce - but hoping he has a limit? I have absolutely no leverage, he is not even willing to discuss serious topics (think our child's education/major house repairs, budget allocated for vacations, for longer than 5-10 mins if we don't see eye to eye and then gives me the silent treatment on that topic unless I give in; he literally retreats and shuts the door to his room and does not come back say the following morning to discuss, hangs up on me, moves to another room if I try to discuss before bed, he tells me that we should just get a divorce; at that point, I mostly give in b/c of the child).

We've been married 15 years. I feel like most of the big compromises (finances, kids, where to live) have all been settled. We generally had the same idea on those. Id say our biggest compromise now is DS' social life. DS is in 6th grade. I grew up very over scheduled. Lots of activities and playdates. Busy every weekend and most weeknights. DH grew up very opposite. He sometimes thinks I try to over schedule DS too much or that I stress out too much that DS isn't social enough or busy enough.

But our difference in how we view this doesn't cause problems. We discuss it, we discuss our different points, and then we figure out what works. We've reached a happy medium so far.

I think you're at the point where compromising isn't an option. There seems to be too much contempt. Compromising only works when both parties respect each other and want to work out the issue together. It's not his way or her way.

Was he completely failing before to ask for what he wanted and now he's snapping back totally in the opposite direction?

I think you should call his bluff and peace out.

what are examples of husband making (real) compromises - think things that you really care about that they view differently, not going out to eat Thai when he prefers Chinese or loading the dishwasher in the evening whereas he really prefers in the morning? My DH stopped wanting to make any compromises almost at all - and he tells me that he should not make any compromises, if I don't like what he proposes, it just means that we are incompatible and there's no one holding me back from leaving if I don't like what he does. We have a toddler so while in theory he's absolutely right (it's a free country and I make my own money), I am shocked that he is so nonchalant about this. Basically whatever I ask that is more significant that he does not agree with, he tells me that. And conversely, he springs stuff on me that I tell him I don't agree with, makes me uncomfortable, don't want and his response, clearly we're incompatible, we should just part ways. Through this strategy he basically gets almost everything that he wants, with slight dents to his desires I guess where I find creative ways to negotiate, maneuver my words and how I frame / ask for things / argument, etc just as if I'm doing stakeholder management at work. There's a strong change he does not care anymore I guess, otherwise, surely there must be examples of husbands too who make meaningful compromises for their wives no and don't immediately demand divorce if the wife does not comply?