Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah after years of this, plus serious financial mistakes and denying of said mistakes, I'm done. Get out while you can, OP.

Op, oh yeah, that too. Financial mistakes that he won’t admit. He’s a small man in so many ways. But hid it with bravado when we dated. I can’t leave for a few years, but I’m planning

This is my DH but much more extreme. He also hid it very well for years. A small man, without a spine, who hides behind his wife.

Omfg me too. I divorced mine and the other side is glorious. You will regret not leaving sooner, I promise.

Anonymous wrote:Or he immediately claims I do the same thing or something else.



Mary, what do you mean? I did put it down. I am sure of it. You’re lying. You’re wrong!!! In any event, YOU left the cat food out last night, so how can you criticize me? And you’re so petty, always critical of me, and you don’t give me anything or meet MY needs (despite the fact that I have tried to be a perfect little wife all month)

(Argument escalates…)

This is life with my DW. She has yet to do anything wrong in her life, and if she has its because I somehow did something prior which justified it. Currently she is not speaking to me because I asked her to apologize for something, which she knows she was wrong about, and is mad that I would bring it up

Anonymous wrote:Defensiveness and lying is not gaslighting

They go hand in hand. From the first pop psychology book that talks about gaslighting “Men who hate women and the women who love them:”

“In tandem with the gaslighting techniques is the misogynist's contention that if he's behaving badly, it is only because he is responding to some crime of yours. Such men sincerely and convincingly argue that their outrageous behavior is an understandable reaction to some terrible deficiency or provocation on your part. By doing this, the misogynist avoids having to consider the possibility that he has some serious shortcomings. By shifting the blame to you, he protects himself in two important ways: he absolves himself of the discomfort of recognizing his role in the problem, and he convinces you that your character deficiencies are the real reason why you are having trouble together. Any criticism or questioning of him is immediately turned back on you as further proof of your inadequacies.“

Defensiveness and lying is not gaslighting

How can we make sure our boys don’t turn into these horribly selfish men??

Men like this are the worst. A deep insecurity that can’t be fixed. Avoid him as much as possible until you can leave.

My husband did this for many years. It drove me crazy because every time I had an issue, there first had to be a discussion of whether or not the thing I was upset about had actually happened. DH referred to it as me going into “lawyer mode.”
And then we could never talk about what happened. Either he would never admit that it happened, or by the time he did, I would feel so relieved that I wasn’t crazy that this would be the whole discussion.

It was a lot of little stuff, but the little stuff can make up big stuff in a marriage. Like the fact that he was in the nanny’s space when he got off work early led one of our nannies to quit, which made it harder for me to work.
So, when he did it again, and I brought it up, he claimed that he wasn’t in her space or that she was fine, etc etc. I never got a chance to say how much it stressed me out to worry she would quit. The whole thing was just about whether or not it even happened.

I don’t know what happened, but our marriage is a lot better now, and he hasn’t done that stuff in years.

Petty little “man”

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah after years of this, plus serious financial mistakes and denying of said mistakes, I'm done. Get out while you can, OP.

Op, oh yeah, that too. Financial mistakes that he won’t admit. He’s a small man in so many ways. But hid it with bravado when we dated. I can’t leave for a few years, but I’m planning

This is my DH but much more extreme. He also hid it very well for years. A small man, without a spine, who hides behind his wife.

Mine too. He can’t admit any fault because at heart he’s a weak little injured boy. I do feel sympathy at times but his behavior is constantly passive aggressive and even aggressive at times, and it’s exhausting to be around. My needs mean nothing to him.

Anonymous wrote:My husband blindsided me with a separation 5 weeks ago. I thought I was devastated, and yes there's a lot of change and grief and some trauma to process.

But now I realize that I never felt at peace in my own home. My stbx is a perpetual victim. He projected his worst traits onto me. I had to choose my battles very wisely when it came to advocating for myself, because he would act like me having opinions and dreams was an affront to him.

I always assumed positive intent, and tried to give him grace, and explained what I needed calmly, and I thought my life was OK. But now I realize, no, it wasn't. It was terrible for my mental health. This was a blessing in disguise.

OP, your husband treating you like this isn't OK. People have insecurities . . . it doesn't mean they get to lie and project and gaslight. This isn't just some small character flaw. This is psychological warfare. And probably the only way to make it stop is to leave. I'm sorry; I know how daunting that seems. But I hope you will consider it.

Oh yeah, I am more than considering it. Biding my time is more like it.

I’m sorry for your situation. Are you ok? Kids? Why did he say he wants to leave?

I assume my dh will cheat at some point, if he hasn’t already. He’s an emotional vampire in many ways, but claims that he’s ‘chill’ and it’s just that I’m the most selfish person ever who doesn’t ’meet his needs’. Meanwhile I am the primary breadwinner and I do 75% of home/kid stuff as well, and barely have a spare moment for myself. But acc to him, I’m ‘selfish’. Ok dude.
So yeah, he’ll likely cheat but really, good riddance. I keep separate finances and I’ll be fine without him when the time comes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah after years of this, plus serious financial mistakes and denying of said mistakes, I'm done. Get out while you can, OP.

Op, oh yeah, that too. Financial mistakes that he won’t admit. He’s a small man in so many ways. But hid it with bravado when we dated. I can’t leave for a few years, but I’m planning

This is my DH but much more extreme. He also hid it very well for years. A small man, without a spine, who hides behind his wife.

My husband blindsided me with a separation 5 weeks ago. I thought I was devastated, and yes there's a lot of change and grief and some trauma to process.

But now I realize that I never felt at peace in my own home. My stbx is a perpetual victim. He projected his worst traits onto me. I had to choose my battles very wisely when it came to advocating for myself, because he would act like me having opinions and dreams was an affront to him.

I always assumed positive intent, and tried to give him grace, and explained what I needed calmly, and I thought my life was OK. But now I realize, no, it wasn't. It was terrible for my mental health. This was a blessing in disguise.

OP, your husband treating you like this isn't OK. People have insecurities . . . it doesn't mean they get to lie and project and gaslight. This isn't just some small character flaw. This is psychological warfare. And probably the only way to make it stop is to leave. I'm sorry; I know how daunting that seems. But I hope you will consider it.

Anonymous wrote:Yeah after years of this, plus serious financial mistakes and denying of said mistakes, I'm done. Get out while you can, OP.

Op, oh yeah, that too. Financial mistakes that he won’t admit. He’s a small man in so many ways. But hid it with bravado when we dated. I can’t leave for a few years, but I’m planning

Yeah after years of this, plus serious financial mistakes and denying of said mistakes, I'm done. Get out while you can, OP.

Or he immediately claims I do the same thing or something else.

He’s a fairly insecure person so I think some of it is that he can’t handle criticism, but it makes me despise him, and smaller issues tend to snowball.

Fake Example for color-

Bob, can you please make sure to put the toilet seat down after you go? It really bothers me when you leave it up.

Mary, what do you mean? I did put it down. I am sure of it. You’re lying. You’re wrong!!! In any event, YOU left the cat food out last night, so how can you criticize me? And you’re so petty, always critical of me, and you don’t give me anything or meet MY needs (despite the fact that I have tried to be a perfect little wife all month)

(Argument escalates…)

Obviously I don’t mean the toilet seat example as that’s petty but this is how it works. It is so frustrating to me. Therapy hasn’t worked.