OP here- Thanks for all your constructive advice.

Interestingly, where the ex moved is closer to our family and friends. In fact, prior to our split I had spent my time renovating that house in the hope to downsize and live there. That area is closer to the city and has many young families, which I thought would be better for our child. The schools are slightly lower in ratings but still decent schools (QO vs Blair)

I am going to get everything settled and get my kid through elementary school and then reevaluate.

I know that proximity won’t make someone a better parent but I do think he would spend more time with kid if we were closer.

I’m interested to see how the courts will view our custody arrangement. If you have amicably agreed to a custody arrangement where one parent has so much more time will a judge ask the other parent about the circumstances or why they aren’t fighting for more time?

It would be insane to move. And DO NOT agree to transport this kid to him. He needs to pick this kid up when he wants to see them. You also need to keep as much money as possible for sitter because you may never see this guy again. He doesn’t want to be a parent. Moving won’t help this.

Stay for now. You are the primary parent so do not move farther from work.

Then, figure out what “keep the house” realistically means. Let the dust settle, figure out your new finances. In a few years, move someplace smaller, but figure out what’s right for you.

Poor kid. It’s obvious neither parent is that interested in them.

Stay. Your daughter is already going through a big change, don’t add more to that. He already doesn’t parent much so if you commute more how does that play out for your daughter? You like where you live now, why change to be closer to a man that is not interested in his own daughter?

Im considering moving to his area so we can have more shared parental responsibility, which was lacking in our marriage, and may still continue to be.

When you lived in the same house, he didn't do his share of parenting.
Now that you live 20 miles apart, he doesn't do his share of parenting.
Why do you think that if you live a mile apart that he'll change?

Stay where you are.

I’ve got a slightly similar situation. I think if he is content with every other weekend, he’s probably not going to change, no matter how close you are. Your child is also almost old enough to be more independent so the childcare burden won’t be as heavy.

Also - you MUST think about your own economic well being and lifestyle. Ex moved because he was prioritizing his own finances and convenience (moving into the inherited house.) For you to make a big financial sacrifice to accommodate HIS financial/lifestyle preferences doesn’t make sense. Especially given that he could decide to move at any time.

Also you should only consider this in the context of an overall resolution of all the property and custody issues in the marriage. If you are going to move closer in a way that benefits him, that should be reflected in the financiak settlement. If he decides he needs to sell the inherited house as part of the property settlement, where does that leave you? And given that he’s a bit of a deadbeat, you probably want the current custody arrangement to be reflected in the custody and support order.

All that said - if you independently like the town where he lives and believe that living closer provides benefits to you and your kid, you should do it. But only if you’d be happy there with or without him. Because a guy like this could easily sell the house and move another 20 miles away. Do not forget - he prioritizes himself, not his kid, not you.

Stay.

I understand why you want to live close, it’s not worth the upheaval to you and your kids’ life.

My ex pulled a similar power move in our separation where he made a move and expected everyone to accommodate. In my case it was best for my kids, but it’s hamstrung me in moving forward. Hard to not feel stuck and resentful.

Your ex made the choice to move. If it’s too much for him, then maybe he can get a small second place closer to you in the future.

Stay. Your family is right.

I feel maybe you are still being traumatized by him. Why would you move and disrupt yours and your child’s whole life just to be near him, when he obviously doesn’t care that much?

he needs to pick up his parent time to a full weekend and dinner/activities at least once a week. Don’t make excuses for him. He has lots of free time and nothing should be more important to him than his child

If your ex only wants to see your child 2-3 days a month, I doubt moving closer is going to turn him into any kind of involved father.

He barely even wants contact.

Do what is best for you both long term. If you would move to where he is regardless and even if he never does more than see him a couple days a month, then move. If you are moving under some belief that being close willl make him want contact - then don't move.

Your Ex is only 20 miles away. Sure traffic can be bad, but I don’t get how moving closer to him somehow enables him to take a more active role in your kid’s life if the current split is 90/10 and you said the Ex’s work schedule is also an issue. If you want Ex to step-up, have that conversation. I wouldn’t commit to moving (which is a lot of work and potentially costly) until you figure out why this move makes your lives better.

What the hell? Why should you move and disrupt the kid and go to worst schools just so ex can live somewhere else?

What about the obvious solution that is best for the kid - ex should sell family house and buy something near you and kid and see his kid more.

90 10 custody is absurd in this day and age. He should step up and see his kid more. I sure as heck hope that you are getting child support in exchange for doing the vast majority of the parenting.

Do you have your own lawyer, or just one that you share with DH? You sound clueless and like you might not be protecting your interests a lot. I think you need your own lawyer

Keep the house for now. Ex wants you to. You can wait to make this decision for a couple of years.

Since you have 90% of the custody, you need to minimize your commute to be a more fully present mom. You will end up doing most of the extracurricular stuff. Ex can travel to you.

You said the schools are worse. That's a big reason not to move...transition plus worse schools. Your kid is 9. A good time to move if you need to is before middle school or before high school. No matter what, it's going to be a bandaid-ripping-off kind of feeling.

If you are super-friendly with Ex and believe kid will be walking over to hang with a dad who is content with 10% custody out of the gate, then IDK maybe that's worth something?

Keep in mind that your Ex, with a fully-owned house, may marry again and raise more kids. How do you personally think your kid might react to that? If oblivious/welcoming, no issue. If kid will not want to go over to a house that's noisy with a baby, or have a meltdown due to having to deal with steps, or whatever, it may not be idyllic to be so close.

Seems like your friends and family would know your ex better than internet people. Their advice is probably better than ours.

Husband and I split earlier this year. He moved about 20 miles away into a fully paid off, newly renovated, inherited property in a nice family oriented neighborhood.

I stayed in the primary home with our 9/yo. Because of the distance, exs early work schedule, custody is not quite 90/10. I have our child Sunday-Thursday and we try to alternate a Fri-Sat stay every other weekend.

We haven’t started the divorce process just yet but are negotiating, ex says I can keep the house we are in, which keeps us where we are. Good for continuity, structure for kiddo, keeps current friends, better schools upcounty, close to work for me. I can easily afford the mortgage but it’s a huge house for 2 people.

Im considering moving to his area so we can have more shared parental responsibility, which was lacking in our marriage, and may still continue to be. Pros: kid sees his dad a lot more, I get a smaller (but more expensive house) probably within walking distance to ex, we move to a neighborhood with more families and maybe establish a village. Cons: life is upheaved, kid has to change schools, I lose 2.5 interest rate, I’m farther from work, schools not as highly rated.

I’d rather be living here in the future, but primary focus for me is what’s best for the kid. I realize this is an unusual situation but my friends and family are all telling me to stay where I am and I want to know what a bunch of anon individuals on the internet think.