Why don't you volunteer to host? Then you control the guest list and the traditions. My parents are local and just come to our house for some part of most holidays. The good thing about local family is you don't have to entertain them for a long period of time.

I think alternating t-day and x-mas is a good compromise. Plan something else for tday this year, see if you can cut down on the xmas days.

I'd plan something asap, and then when they bring up thanksgiving you can be like "Oh gosh, it totally slipped my mind, but we are going to XYZ - how fun does that sound! The kids are going to love it!" and dont engage in any further convo about it, no guilt trips allowed.

To me, being with extended family is what holidays are all about. BUT, that said, the vibe is totally different that what you describe, so while chaotic, it's not emotionally challenging or stressful for us.

Maybe try easing out of some of festivities. I know your parents are deceased, but do you have any other family (or close friends) that you 'need' to have a turn with?

This year, dial down the number of days, so no multi day attendance for Christmas, for example.

For next year, plan a trip. You have to look early. Book by Feb or Mar for decent airfare.

How old are your kids? I’d look at reducing the time spent with them, and as pp mentioned, sending dh ahead alone for part of it.

Your inlaws are local. Can’t you go late and leave early? Who is going to stop you?

Pick either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day (not both!!). Have you husband send a text to his parents before any plans get solidified, since he's non-confrontational. Stand firm if they try to talk you out of it!

Plan some family vacations over the holidays instead. Sometimes it's nice to just go to the Caribbean or Hawaii and chill with your immediate family.

Their happiness is not your responsibility.

No advice, just sympathies OP. We live 10 min away from the in-laws and their crowd sounds similar to yours ILs'. My husband is too "conflict-averse" to stick up for me and tell his mom we are sitting out Thanksgiving or Christmas, so we end up there every year, as well as for the other holidays. I actually didn't mind it as much before we had kids. Now that we have kids it bothers me more and more that we have to be guests on major holidays, fake the nice small talk in their mansion with their friends, instead of just being comfortable in our own skin.

Decide on a destination for the next holiday and just tell them you wanted to try something new before the kids get too old. Pick a place you've always wanted to go.

You mean DH would rather you have an unpleasant time than stand up to his parents. There's already conflict! It's between you and your DH. Stop protecting him from this reality.

Let him deal with managing the kids on his own and either his parents will be ok with bad behavior, or he'll see that this sucks without you to make it work.

Pick Christmas and say you are ready to start your own Christmas family traditions in your own home. Pick a time frame in there that they are welcome to attend for a few hours. If there is conflict that is on them.

I would send your DH ahead with them and join as late as you think they will tolerate. Or same but you leave early.

In-laws are local, my parents are dead. We’ve been spending the holidays with them since before kids, now with three kids it’s even more of a given since it’s hard to travel. Some of the bigger holidays are multi-day affairs, like Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Often these gatherings involve their friends who are obsessed with talking politics and work. It’s been many years of living close to them and feeling like I’m a prisoner to this arrangement.

It would be nice to have a holiday to ourselves - feel totally relaxed, have our own rituals, eat Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner IN MY PJs while letting the kids be silly instead of dressing up and having to manage them so they have good manners for their guests. They are not a warm and fun household so I’m never at ease when I’m there. But I know they would be upset, DH also doesn’t want to introduce conflict. Would you just keep going along with it until kids are old enough to travel as a family, or just do your own thing - not skip all holidays but either Thanksgiving or Christmas on our own - at the risk of upsetting them? How would you explain it (other than lying and saying someone is sick).