Anonymous
09/26/2024 16:24
Subject: Giving more financial support to one kid and the others are angry
Putting it bluntly OP your other two kids are pissed that you are rewarding their slacker sibling while they have made it on their own.
Anonymous
09/26/2024 16:18
Subject: Giving more financial support to one kid and the others are angry
Sounds like they are running the rat race trying to save up for a downpayment for a house, pay off student loans, they turn their head and see their mom subsidize the underemployed pothead to the tune of $50k.
Anonymous
09/26/2024 16:10
Subject: Giving more financial support to one kid and the others are angry
My guess is that the kid with the unstable life is a slacker who isn't putting in the work, but you're propping him up anyway. That's pretty infuriating to siblings who are working very, very hard every day.
Anonymous
09/26/2024 16:06
Subject: Giving more financial support to one kid and the others are angry
Why is the third child's life unstable? Is it their own choices or some factor beyond their control?
Anonymous
09/26/2024 16:05
Subject: Giving more financial support to one kid and the others are angry
I would think they're sick of you protecting Unstable Kid from the consequences of his own choices, and worried that he's going to mooch off you more and more.
Anonymous
09/26/2024 16:01
Subject: Re:Giving more financial support to one kid and the others are angry
You are rewarding failure instead of achievement.
Anonymous
09/26/2024 16:00
Subject: Giving more financial support to one kid and the others are angry
Anonymous wrote:If you have a disparity in financial success between your children and you have one kid who struggles while the other is stable or even highly successful, is there anything wrong with giving more financial support to the less successful one?
I have a highly successful son and another moderately successful daughter, with another son with a bit of an unstable life. I helped him out by paying his rent for a year and purchasing a car and now my other two children are acting passive aggressive about it which I find unnecessary since they don’t need the money at all. I know how much they make and how much they have saved (I don’t ask, they tell me).
Are you sure they don't need it? Even when we were struggling, we never told our parents because we didn't want them worrying about us. My mom gave my husband and I checks at Christmas that she later told us matched the debt she was helping my brother with. She didn't know at the time how much those checks helped us too
Anonymous
09/26/2024 15:57
Subject: Giving more financial support to one kid and the others are angry
It doesn't matter that you think they don't need it. You need to really consider if you are enabling bad choices in the child you're supporting.
I would think your older children are concerned that you will run out of money for your own retirement and they will end up having to pay for you, and also pay for their sibling who never got the tough love needed to get his life together and grow up. Really consider your own long term here.
I would think your older children are concerned that you will run out of money for your own retirement and they will end up having to pay for you, and also pay for their sibling who never got the tough love needed to get his life together and grow up. Really consider your own long term here.
Anonymous
09/26/2024 15:54
Subject: Giving more financial support to one kid and the others are angry
Why did you share this information with them?
Anonymous
09/26/2024 15:53
Subject: Re:Giving more financial support to one kid and the others are angry
I helped him out by paying his rent for a year and purchasing a car and now my other two children are acting passive aggressive about it
So, that was a past decision. Your other two are foolish to make a past decision a sore point -- now. BUT, they are likely afraid of what you will do in the future. That you enable that one too much. They have a point. Or even of they are just unhappy at the inequality, they have a point.
Anonymous
09/26/2024 15:51
Subject: Giving more financial support to one kid and the others are angry
Anonymous wrote:I have a kid with neurodivergence who may have difficulty finding jobs and a kid with chronic medical needs (but who is highly functional intellectually). I will set up a trust fund in case either of them cannot support themselves in the future, because of their conditions. What's nice is that they both get it. They get along great, and they understand that sometimes funds need to be diverted more to one than the other. They lived this as kids, in fact. We spent a small fortune on my son's needs then my daughter was diagnosed with her medical condition and we had to factor in those costs.
I suggest you ask them about their finances and share information on yours, for maximum transparency. This is what I've done, and this is what my MIL has done for her kids, so that everyone can weigh in and be clear as to distribution. When my husband and his siblings disagree on how the money should be used, MIL makes an executive decision that they all have to accept. Somehow, it works, because everyone's reasonable. I think my kids and I are reasonable, too.
This is different. If anything, you are preparing them because it is possible that someday you'll both be gone, and one of your children will assume responsibility for your special needs child and their trust.
I think parents should aim for neutrality among able kids. There are usually hard feelings when parents give more time or money to one child. It harms your relationship with your other kids and their relationship with each other.
Anonymous
09/26/2024 15:44
Subject: Giving more financial support to one kid and the others are angry
Those are big helps. It would be different if it was helping with medical bills or helping pay for training or education to get a better job. Paying his rent for a year and buying him a car is just you subsidizing his lifestyle. Like what is he doing to get to the point where you pay for his housing and transportation? Anything?
It's also not accurate to say your other kids don't "need" any help. Everyone could use help. Perhaps one of your other kids has fertility issues and could use financial help with that but feels they cannot ask because you are helping their brother. Maybe they have an idea to start a business and could use an investor. They have their basics covered I guarantee their are things they could use help with but they have been deemed not needy *enough* because your other son gets the focus. In their eyes they are getting less support from you BECAUSE they are more functional. It feels like being punished for being responsible.
It's also not accurate to say your other kids don't "need" any help. Everyone could use help. Perhaps one of your other kids has fertility issues and could use financial help with that but feels they cannot ask because you are helping their brother. Maybe they have an idea to start a business and could use an investor. They have their basics covered I guarantee their are things they could use help with but they have been deemed not needy *enough* because your other son gets the focus. In their eyes they are getting less support from you BECAUSE they are more functional. It feels like being punished for being responsible.
Anonymous
09/26/2024 15:34
Subject: Giving more financial support to one kid and the others are angry
I have a kid with neurodivergence who may have difficulty finding jobs and a kid with chronic medical needs (but who is highly functional intellectually). I will set up a trust fund in case either of them cannot support themselves in the future, because of their conditions. What's nice is that they both get it. They get along great, and they understand that sometimes funds need to be diverted more to one than the other. They lived this as kids, in fact. We spent a small fortune on my son's needs then my daughter was diagnosed with her medical condition and we had to factor in those costs.
I suggest you ask them about their finances and share information on yours, for maximum transparency. This is what I've done, and this is what my MIL has done for her kids, so that everyone can weigh in and be clear as to distribution. When my husband and his siblings disagree on how the money should be used, MIL makes an executive decision that they all have to accept. Somehow, it works, because everyone's reasonable. I think my kids and I are reasonable, too.
I suggest you ask them about their finances and share information on yours, for maximum transparency. This is what I've done, and this is what my MIL has done for her kids, so that everyone can weigh in and be clear as to distribution. When my husband and his siblings disagree on how the money should be used, MIL makes an executive decision that they all have to accept. Somehow, it works, because everyone's reasonable. I think my kids and I are reasonable, too.
Anonymous
09/26/2024 15:26
Subject: Giving more financial support to one kid and the others are angry
You're enabling the failure to launch son. Buying a car and paying his rent for a first year is a glaring example, but there's no chance it's the first instance of you coddling him and punishing your other kids for their competence.
They're telling you how well they're doing because they're seeking your approval, but you are seeking a codependent relationship with the baby so you see it as bragging. Kids that don't need you as adults are a sign of your success but you're holding it against them. They're not passive aggressive, they're giving up on having a healthy relationship with you.
They're telling you how well they're doing because they're seeking your approval, but you are seeking a codependent relationship with the baby so you see it as bragging. Kids that don't need you as adults are a sign of your success but you're holding it against them. They're not passive aggressive, they're giving up on having a healthy relationship with you.
Anonymous
09/26/2024 15:21
Subject: Giving more financial support to one kid and the others are angry
If you have a disparity in financial success between your children and you have one kid who struggles while the other is stable or even highly successful, is there anything wrong with giving more financial support to the less successful one?
I have a highly successful son and another moderately successful daughter, with another son with a bit of an unstable life. I helped him out by paying his rent for a year and purchasing a car and now my other two children are acting passive aggressive about it which I find unnecessary since they don’t need the money at all. I know how much they make and how much they have saved (I don’t ask, they tell me).
I have a highly successful son and another moderately successful daughter, with another son with a bit of an unstable life. I helped him out by paying his rent for a year and purchasing a car and now my other two children are acting passive aggressive about it which I find unnecessary since they don’t need the money at all. I know how much they make and how much they have saved (I don’t ask, they tell me).