Anonymous wrote:A couple of thoughts:

On whether you are f***cked - I remember acutely the panic of thinking you might be left without childcare, and I'm sure this is exacerbated by the earlier au pair leaving early, but this is why agencies exist. They can help you correct this behavior, or help you find coverage if the behavior persists.

Can you give us even a vague sense of where she is from? Some of us might be able to help with a specific script based on our own backgrounds.

However, I agree with those who are saying you need to treat her the way you would a wayward young cousin or something.

Why, though? This woman is an employee.

Racist talk notwithstanding....she sounds like she makes poor decisions on who she hangs out with. I would be concerned about other poor decision making and would not have her taking care of my child. I hear stories like this over and over about au-pairs. It's the age old story - you get what you pay for. These girls are often uneducated, running from something, younger than their years. Why are people trusting their young children with them?

Fire her. Don't wait until your kid repeats her trash on the playground.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had a white Au pair from South Africa, who made some inappropriate racist comments. In my case, it helped me to remember that she was very young (19) with very little education (just high school) and VERY little life experience. So I started a dialog with her and tried to educate her - or at least give her understanding of race relations in the US.

I would take the same approach here. Imagine she’s your daughter, and instead of reprimanding her out the gate, consider whether she is just purely ignorant, and if you can help her learn and grow. Or at the very least, by calling her out, she’ll learn that those comments aren’t welcome in your home.

OP here. Thank you PP. I'm concerned that even calling out these comments won't stop them. (We can't police an au pair all the time.) It's also not that easy to essentially kick someone out of your house. Omg, am I fu***d.

It would be extremely easy for me to kick out a racist person from my house if they are spewing junk around my kids. The only reason you would be effed is if you have no spine to stand up to this.
+1 to 8:12

OP here. Thank you for your thoughts, seriously. But the problem is not my spine. When I was working, I was a litigator and I got into argument with federal prosecutors on a regularly basis and I stood up to federal court of appeals judges without blinking. The problem is having to go through the rigermoroo of having to find yet another au pair. Still don't know what to do, hmmm.

BTW, I could care less about who is her boyfriend as long as his toxicity doesn't enter my house.

A couple of thoughts:

On whether you are f***cked - I remember acutely the panic of thinking you might be left without childcare, and I'm sure this is exacerbated by the earlier au pair leaving early, but this is why agencies exist. They can help you correct this behavior, or help you find coverage if the behavior persists.

Can you give us even a vague sense of where she is from? Some of us might be able to help with a specific script based on our own backgrounds.

However, I agree with those who are saying you need to treat her the way you would a wayward young cousin or something.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had a white Au pair from South Africa, who made some inappropriate racist comments. In my case, it helped me to remember that she was very young (19) with very little education (just high school) and VERY little life experience. So I started a dialog with her and tried to educate her - or at least give her understanding of race relations in the US.

I would take the same approach here. Imagine she’s your daughter, and instead of reprimanding her out the gate, consider whether she is just purely ignorant, and if you can help her learn and grow. Or at the very least, by calling her out, she’ll learn that those comments aren’t welcome in your home.

OP here. Thank you PP. I'm concerned that even calling out these comments won't stop them. (We can't police an au pair all the time.) It's also not that easy to essentially kick someone out of your house. Omg, am I fu***d.

It would be extremely easy for me to kick out a racist person from my house if they are spewing junk around my kids. The only reason you would be effed is if you have no spine to stand up to this.
+1 to 8:12

Her: "Scott says that hispanics are lazy and that no one is really gay, just promiscuous."

You: "Scott is not welcome in this home. I suggest you dump him. You can do better than a racist, homophobic loser."

You call the aupair's mentor and you have them correct their behavior.

Have you ever had a job? Had a boss?

It's clear you've never been a boss.

You need to set clear expectations and hold your aupair to that.

She didn't say she believes it she says "her boyfriend said".

I spent a lot of time discussing boyfriend (as I do with my friends who date). You let her know american men love to date aupairs because they have a date they know they will be gone and this boyfriend seems to be racist and ignorant. Where did she meet him?

Also you ban the boyfriend from being around the kids or coming to your house.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had a white Au pair from South Africa, who made some inappropriate racist comments. In my case, it helped me to remember that she was very young (19) with very little education (just high school) and VERY little life experience. So I started a dialog with her and tried to educate her - or at least give her understanding of race relations in the US.

I would take the same approach here. Imagine she’s your daughter, and instead of reprimanding her out the gate, consider whether she is just purely ignorant, and if you can help her learn and grow. Or at the very least, by calling her out, she’ll learn that those comments aren’t welcome in your home.

OP here. Thank you PP. I'm concerned that even calling out these comments won't stop them. (We can't police an au pair all the time.) It's also not that easy to essentially kick someone out of your house. Omg, am I fu***d.

You? Please stop being so self-centered. SHE is the one in trouble, being brainwashed, and possibly used by this overbearing man.
Your kids are not in trouble either. I grew up around a White Supremacist grandmother. My kids have heard a lot of crap from my side of the family. Neither my kids (now teens and young adults) nor I are right-wing, or harbor racist or homophobic views. People aren't so easy to manipulate when they're secure and have been exposed to a variety of populations and living situations. Your kids are secure, but your au pair is not. She's extremely vulnerable: maybe her family life hasn't been great, and right now she's in a strange country, living in a strange house, and has fallen for a man who whispers poison in her ear. Teen and young adult brains are not yet fully-developed and they are prone to extreme thinking.

Please have some compassion and try to educate her.

Anonymous wrote:We had a white Au pair from South Africa, who made some inappropriate racist comments. In my case, it helped me to remember that she was very young (19) with very little education (just high school) and VERY little life experience. So I started a dialog with her and tried to educate her - or at least give her understanding of race relations in the US.

I would take the same approach here. Imagine she’s your daughter, and instead of reprimanding her out the gate, consider whether she is just purely ignorant, and if you can help her learn and grow. Or at the very least, by calling her out, she’ll learn that those comments aren’t welcome in your home.

OP here. Thank you PP. I'm concerned that even calling out these comments won't stop them. (We can't police an au pair all the time.) It's also not that easy to essentially kick someone out of your house. Omg, am I fu***d.

Yes, I would educate. What's lacking is dialogue in this country. And please subtly plant seeds of doubt in this boyfriend (not overt, you're just going to push her into his arms). He sounds like very bad news.

We had a white Au pair from South Africa, who made some inappropriate racist comments. In my case, it helped me to remember that she was very young (19) with very little education (just high school) and VERY little life experience. So I started a dialog with her and tried to educate her - or at least give her understanding of race relations in the US.

I would take the same approach here. Imagine she’s your daughter, and instead of reprimanding her out the gate, consider whether she is just purely ignorant, and if you can help her learn and grow. Or at the very least, by calling her out, she’ll learn that those comments aren’t welcome in your home.

How old is your child?

5 or up, immediate change.

2 or 3? Tell her & agency it is not a good fit & work towards a change.

I know nothing about au pairs, but I wouldn't let someone who talks like that be part of my child's daily life.

Our last au pair abruptly left and we were really hoping to start fresh. Our new au pair quickly became attached to a new American boyfriend and, like plenty of young girls, the new au pair has taken on her new boyfriend's persona. "Scott says that hispanics are lazy and that no one is really gay, just promiscuous." Wtf? I haven’t heard her say things like this around my child (who would understand), but I'm concerned that this stupidity can affect my child, even subtly. I wouldn't tolerate this language from my child, but she's not my child and we're not even close. WWYD?