Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why you did this to yourself in the first place. I wouldn't want to be a burden to my children like this.

I had no other option as her savings probably wouldn’t last long enough. Plus, there is the cultural side to it as well. My mother is from South America. Memory care centers are not common there. What is more common is hiring health aids for 24-7 care, at a much lower cost. I am considering placing her next year. I just need the strength to get through the next months.

My MIL (also from South America -still living there) thinks it would be terrible to place my mom in a facility. I really don’t care what she thinks about my situation, but it is frowned upon in that region , especially if you come from a status where in home help is the norm. She has warned her kids that she will die in her house. Yeah, she is a piece of work!

No, she goes to a government home. Or your continue to make yourself into a martyr. What do you prefer, OP? Living a life others want you to live, denying yourself every pleasure, until you're so decrepit you can't enjoy your brief moment of freedom? Or ignoring the economic systems you came from, because it does not apply here, and living a normal life?

You persist in confusing "culture" with "different economic system", BTW. Every single developed country from every continent has adopted a group home model of care for its elderly citizens. It's only in developing countries where labor is still dirt cheap that you can easily afford home care models on a lower income.

Definitely begin looking. It’s a long process to figure out what you want in a facility and how far your budget will go. And it will all be a lot more expensive than you were expecting it to be. At the same time, I suggest exploring respite care. You can both do a trial run this way and you can get a break.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She has some money put away for her care, but not enough to last more than four years. I worry she might end up in a Medicare run facility (nursing home) if she lives that long.

Although they are not great, at that point in her life she'll be so out if it she won't likely know what is going on. Most people that go to Medicaid facilities only end up living a few weeks/couple of months as it is.

This is a terrible take. Because someone doesn’t remember or communicate in the same way doesn’t mean they don’t feel themselves sitting in feces, or experience terror when an aid screams at them. Not all Medicaid beds are horrible, not every expensive place is safe, but everyone who loves their elder worries about a bad situation.

OP, you have been a devoted caretaker, and it sounds like you have reached the end of your ability to take care of your mom at home. So yes, you should start looking at facilities. Please don’t just liquidate assets (if she has them) and start paying. See a good financial advisor and see if you can make the assets work for her. I know it’s a relief and also difficult to let go.

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why you did this to yourself in the first place. I wouldn't want to be a burden to my children like this.

I had no other option as her savings probably wouldn’t last long enough. Plus, there is the cultural side to it as well. My mother is from South America. Memory care centers are not common there. What is more common is hiring health aids for 24-7 care, at a much lower cost. I am considering placing her next year. I just need the strength to get through the next months.

My MIL (also from South America -still living there) thinks it would be terrible to place my mom in a facility. I really don’t care what she thinks about my situation, but it is frowned upon in that region , especially if you come from a status where in home help is the norm. She has warned her kids that she will die in her house. Yeah, she is a piece of work!

I don't understand why you did this to yourself in the first place. I wouldn't want to be a burden to my children like this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She has some money put away for her care, but not enough to last more than four years. I worry she might end up in a Medicare run facility (nursing home) if she lives that long.

By that time she won't notice. Stop killing yourself and sign her up, because waitlists are long.

This.

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP. Caretaking is hard work, and incredibly draining in ways no one understands if they haven't done it.

You've done the loving thing for 3.5 years for her. Letting her live in a different place and relieving yourself of some of the caretaking duties is still the loving thing. She would want the best for you. It's ok to have some help.

Wishing you all the best through the transition.

Anonymous wrote:She has some money put away for her care, but not enough to last more than four years. I worry she might end up in a Medicare run facility (nursing home) if she lives that long.

Although they are not great, at that point in her life she'll be so out if it she won't likely know what is going on. Most people that go to Medicaid facilities only end up living a few weeks/couple of months as it is.

I would put them in right away if I could not afford in home help round the clock. There is no point in waiting.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She has some money put away for her care, but not enough to last more than four years. I worry she might end up in a Medicare run facility (nursing home) if she lives that long.

You’re thinking Medicaid, which doesn’t actually run nursing homes; it pays for them when people cannot afford to. Medicare nursing home benefits are limited and don’t include custodial care. There are self-pay facilities that also have Medicare (typically transition from hospital) and Medicaid patients.

I’d suggest you scout out the local facilities as PP’s suggested. I’d also suggest you consult an attorney affiliated with the National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys about what find of facility she might qualify for and whether there are ways to stretch her assets in compliance with the various program rules and regulations.

PP who said there is no culture where it is not OK to put someone in a facility may be wrong. I know of one culture where the aged grandpa stayed home until death despite dementia, and I’m not even sure they have nursing facilities.

When to move someone is a very individualized, personal choice. Some kinds of “professional” care may be more experienced or competent but it is rare to find a caregiver as loving as a family member. But even that depends on the caregiver. It sounds like you are getting burned out. Taking care of disabled people is extremely hard work. Sometimes everyone’s better off when the loved one is in a facility with the family to supervise and supplement.

One more point: whatever your person’s mental status you can expect it to deteriorate if you move them out of familiar surroundings. Sometimes people are bad enough off that it doesn’t matter. Sometimes they’re not.

That's not a cultural limitation, it's an economic limitation. Yes, there are countries with hardly any healthcare systems or homes for disabled people or the elderly. But you do see that's a different situation, right?

Anonymous wrote:She has some money put away for her care, but not enough to last more than four years. I worry she might end up in a Medicare run facility (nursing home) if she lives that long.

You’re thinking Medicaid, which doesn’t actually run nursing homes; it pays for them when people cannot afford to. Medicare nursing home benefits are limited and don’t include custodial care. There are self-pay facilities that also have Medicare (typically transition from hospital) and Medicaid patients.

I’d suggest you scout out the local facilities as PP’s suggested. I’d also suggest you consult an attorney affiliated with the National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys about what find of facility she might qualify for and whether there are ways to stretch her assets in compliance with the various program rules and regulations.

PP who said there is no culture where it is not OK to put someone in a facility may be wrong. I know of one culture where the aged grandpa stayed home until death despite dementia, and I’m not even sure they have nursing facilities.

When to move someone is a very individualized, personal choice. Some kinds of “professional” care may be more experienced or competent but it is rare to find a caregiver as loving as a family member. But even that depends on the caregiver. It sounds like you are getting burned out. Taking care of disabled people is extremely hard work. Sometimes everyone’s better off when the loved one is in a facility with the family to supervise and supplement.

One more point: whatever your person’s mental status you can expect it to deteriorate if you move them out of familiar surroundings. Sometimes people are bad enough off that it doesn’t matter. Sometimes they’re not.

Anonymous wrote:She has some money put away for her care, but not enough to last more than four years. I worry she might end up in a Medicare run facility (nursing home) if she lives that long.

By that time she won't notice. Stop killing yourself and sign her up, because waitlists are long.

She has some money put away for her care, but not enough to last more than four years. I worry she might end up in a Medicare run facility (nursing home) if she lives that long.

Is it because you do not want her to land in a poorly-run government home?

Because culturally, there is no culture in which you cannot put your elders in homes. I am Japanese. Both my paternal grandparents lived with severe memory loss for years (different types of dementia) and were placed in separate homes. My father and aunts never took them in. My grandfather's pension paid for some of the costs, and my father, who lived far away, paid for the difference, while my aunts, who lived close by, visited regularly and took care of the medical appointments and various ad hoc needs.

On my maternal side, I have a relative who had the means to pay for 24/7 at-home care for her FIL and MIL with Alzheimer's (in the US). She lived close by, and was present to manage all crises, but didn't do the heavy lifting, feeding, bathing running after the patients, weather all their aggression, etc.

Don't do this to yourself if there is an alternative.

I am only child. How long would you say is enough to take care of your LO before putting them in a facility? In my LO’s case, it would be in a memory care center. I could still take care of my 87 yr old mother, but emotionally, I am just done! She doesn’t need a ton of help, but I just want to be in charge of my life again.

My husband can help out sometimes, but in the end, the mental and physical load all falls on me. I feel terrible about fantasizing about my future when I no longer need to spend so much energy on her care.

My mother is in stage 6, but is not an escape artist. I am in charge of all of her meals, bathing, supplies, laundry, medication, doctor visits, paperwork, banking. I just need a break. We can hire some help here and there, but the mental load of managing the care is still on me.

I have taken care of her for 3.5 years now, almost as much time it takes to get a college degree!