My kid is ADHD so we are very intentionally trying trying to teach him to do be responsible for things himself. We have a list of chores he has to do every morning to earn screen time after school. Clear dishes, brush teeth, etc. He checks things off as he goes. At the beginning we had to remind him what he had to do but now he does it himself. We also have a list of what needs to go in his school bag every day and he packs his own bag. We do double check but at some point we will stop. I would set the expectation and structure before you let your kid fail.

My son has been showering on his own since 1st grade. Now you’ve got me wondering if he’s doing it correctly because I just assumed he could handle it but I’ve never gone in to make sure (and he would hate it if I did!)

He’s in 4th

Third graders do not shower independently?!? I am shocked by this. What exactly are they needing help with? You have to let your child struggle. If kids do not struggle, they will not learn. There is no need to learn if you jump in and save them with everything. Remind him to put his homework in his backpack but don’t physically do it.

Should definitely be able to shower on his own by third grade.

TEACH him. "This week we're going to work on you getting used to getting your bag ready for school. So now that you've finished your homework, gather all your books in a neat pile and go put them in your backpack and then come right back to the kitchen."

Then go check he did it. If he didn't, have him do it right. Tell him each day and walk him over and watch him do it.

Ask him what he needs for sports, then have him pull it all together.

Here are some strategies that we use:
Routine charts posted in bedroom/bathroom (like AM and PM routine that includes brushing teeth, making bed, etc.)
Backpack checklist posted near front door
Chore chart posted in kitchen
Timers for lots of stuff, including homework

I sit with my K and 3rd graders while they complete their homework but I don’t monitor what they are doing. I read, do the grocery shopping, etc. We also have a PK3 and he often sits and “does his homework” too.

I don’t mean to make this sound like everyone is automatically compliant, but I also let them “fail” in some ways. For example (kinda random), all three kids are responsible for brushing their own teeth in the morning. If they don’t do a good job, it doesn’t really matter. I monitor teeth brushing at night. So this is an example of giving some low stakes independence but also having a safety net. Another example is that all kids pack their own snack in their backpack. When we are leaving, I tell everyone to check their bag for everything they need. If they forget, they will be a little hungry that day but they will manage.

(I was a MS teacher for 15 years.)

You need to make lists for him so he stops and thinks about what he needs to do or bring with him until it’s routine. Have him get everything packed the night before and put the bag by the door. Kids learn best by having the same routine and keeping things in set places.

My son struggles too! I think you need to sit and go through a list. Showering he is good about but I do a smell test after for hair shampoo and he’s in there a long time so it rinses out. His teacher said about half struggle w remembering pencil box, library book etc

My kid is super responsible. But I still have to do the checklist in the morning (have your homework? Have your library book?) most times it’s no issue but every so often she’ll have forgotten.

They’re 8/9. Give them a break.

Mother of three boys here - none of them reliably showered on their own until 6th grade. Be patient with your son. Teach how to do this stuff. Do it with him, not for him. Be kind and emotionally neutral about it. Otherwise you are telegraphing your frustration and disappointment to him and he will feel ashamed and like a loser - and then you will have much bigger problems down the road.

ADHD kids are years behind their cohorts in maturity. But eventually, they all shower.

Maybe he needs more help from you at first to establish a routine. Walk him through how to pack everything the night before so that he doesn’t forget something in the morning. Establish a homework routine for after school. I think some homework supervision is necessary at this age but you shouldn’t have to sit there next to him the whole time. Get him set up with the routines and then see if he can manage by himself.

The shampooing can still be hard for kids this age. Does he have longer hair? He may need a few weeks of consistent help in how to wash and rinse thoroughly and even then you may have to still double check.

But you can’t compare kids. Everyone is different and kids this age can range from coordinated and independent to a hot mess. My oldest (boy) couldn’t seem to thoroughly rinse his hair until mid-way through 3rd, while my DD who is in 3rd now has been washing and conditioning her own long hair since last spring when she was in 2nd.

We are big on routines and prepping the night before and it’s really helped both kids with staying organized and keeping track of their things.

My son did not shower or wipe independently until halfway through 3rd grade. Don't worry.
Now he is in 4th grade and if my mom group chat is any evidence all the kids are getting significant homework supervision. Constant asking to share study guides and such.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always thought my third grader was immature but maybe he’s ADD. I have been making sure he does his homework (which he does) and then putting his books in his bag for him for the next day. I also help to wash his hair in the shower and get all his sports stuff together. This week I told him he had to get his books in his bag for the next school day and of course he forgot everything. I bailed him out and brought his homework and everything to school and gave it to the office for him. I asked his friends and they said they do this by themselves and also do their homework without parent oversight. Would you continue to bail out your kid or make them learn the hard way? Are your third graders showering on their own? He seems incapable of properly rinsing the shampoo from hair.

Yes, you need to help your 8 or 9 year old. Who are you comparing your child too? Ask your parents and see if they thought you were mature

Of course kids are going to say that they need no help! Ask the parents for the truth

Anonymous wrote:I always thought my third grader was immature but maybe he’s ADD. I have been making sure he does his homework (which he does) and then putting his books in his bag for him for the next day. I also help to wash his hair in the shower and get all his sports stuff together. This week I told him he had to get his books in his bag for the next school day and of course he forgot everything. I bailed him out and brought his homework and everything to school and gave it to the office for him. I asked his friends and they said they do this by themselves and also do their homework without parent oversight. Would you continue to bail out your kid or make them learn the hard way? Are your third graders showering on their own? He seems incapable of properly rinsing the shampoo from hair.

Yes, you need to help your 8 or 9 year old. Who are you comparing your child too? Ask your parents and see if they thought you were mature

I always thought my third grader was immature but maybe he’s ADD. I have been making sure he does his homework (which he does) and then putting his books in his bag for him for the next day. I also help to wash his hair in the shower and get all his sports stuff together. This week I told him he had to get his books in his bag for the next school day and of course he forgot everything. I bailed him out and brought his homework and everything to school and gave it to the office for him. I asked his friends and they said they do this by themselves and also do their homework without parent oversight. Would you continue to bail out your kid or make them learn the hard way? Are your third graders showering on their own? He seems incapable of properly rinsing the shampoo from hair.