Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD, thinks one of her grandmas doesn’t like her. They don’t spend tons of time together and zero one on one time together. All of their time spent together is either with other family or with just her other similarly aged cousin.

To be transparent, I have had a rocky relationship with my mom. I think DD is smart enough to have an inkling of that, though I’d like to think I’ve done a good job of shielding her from that because I didn’t want to influence her relationship with my mom.

Honestly, I don’t think DD is super off base when she says my mom doesn’t like her. I’ve never gotten the feeling my mom likes her (just like I don’t think my mom actually likes me a whole lot) and my mom has made some comments to me awhile back about her being a poorly behaved child. She wasn’t and still isn’t. My parents are literally the only people that seem to think this. But my DD doesn’t know about these comments. My DD also said my mom doesn’t ask her about school or activities, instead focuses these questions towards her cousin.

Again, I don’t think this is all in her head - I see what she’s seeing, but I don’t ever point it out. I kind of figured she’d start to notice eventually as she got older. I don’t want to gaslight her into thinking it’s all in her head, but still want to try to foster a positive relationship… anyone been through something similar?

If you try to foster a 'positive' relationship with her than you are gaslighting her. Neither of my kids' grandmothers are really interested in them and I don't try to do anything! I acknowledge that yes there is no close relationship and second it is the responsibility of the older adult to try and forge a relationship. Now that my 'kids' are young adults that ship has sailed. Sucks for the grandmothers but, there is nothing to do but, acknowledge your dd's thoughts and feelings

This is exactly what stood out to me, too. If you had a pet dog that constantly bit your kid, you wouldn’t say “Well, Fido has some challenges but we just need to overlook the biting so you two can have a positive relationship!” You would rehome the dog.

Your kid can’t have a positive relationship with a negative person. Focus on other relationships with family members or close friends who actually like and appreciate your child.

Anonymous wrote:Why are you lying to your daughter? You need to validate what appear to be, according to your description, perfectly accurate feelings. Trying to foster a relationship between your child and someone who doesn't really care about them is worse than a waste of time - it trains them to ignore their gut feeling. They'll need that gut feeling when they date, and when they try to strike up professional relationships.

Don't mess with your kid's radar.

+1

Minimize contact.

Why are you lying to your daughter? You need to validate what appear to be, according to your description, perfectly accurate feelings. Trying to foster a relationship between your child and someone who doesn't really care about them is worse than a waste of time - it trains them to ignore their gut feeling. They'll need that gut feeling when they date, and when they try to strike up professional relationships.

Don't mess with your kid's radar.

Why are you still visiting this person who doesn’t like you and why are you dragging your daughter along?

She doesn’t like you guys!

If you AND your kid don’t think your mom likes you or your kid, believe in yourself, believe your kid, and stop trying to force a relationship. Honor your child by protecting her from a person who doesn’t care about her. Honor your child by showing her you believe her and she should trust her own instincts.

“Grandma” (not worthy of the title, by the way) does not need to be prioritized or given chance after chance Because Family.

Why would you want to foster a relationship with someone like that? Why would you do that to your kid?

Don't force or encourage her to go to the cousin and granny loveless.

You don't say how old your DD is so this advice might be off-base, but I would suggest being honest with her. "I'm really sorry you feel that way. Grandma can be weird. To be honest I feel like she doesn't really like me very much sometimes. So I understand how crappy it feels."

I'd tell her Grandma has her own issues and not to take anything that feels negative personally.

Not exactly the same scenario but my mom was really horrible to me for years when I was growing up (emotional not physical stuff.)) She started becoming nicer to me after I got married and she liked my husband and wanted access to our family, but when she started making Critical comments about my toddler aged daughter I really set some very clear limits for myself on time with her. I simply was not going let my kid experience what I experienced growing up. I would advise you to do the same. At some point, it means having a conversation with your kid about your mom’s tendency to say mean things or whatever. It might make your kid like grandma less. Oh well. Grandma should have done better.

Anonymous wrote:My DD, thinks one of her grandmas doesn’t like her. They don’t spend tons of time together and zero one on one time together. All of their time spent together is either with other family or with just her other similarly aged cousin.

To be transparent, I have had a rocky relationship with my mom. I think DD is smart enough to have an inkling of that, though I’d like to think I’ve done a good job of shielding her from that because I didn’t want to influence her relationship with my mom.

Honestly, I don’t think DD is super off base when she says my mom doesn’t like her. I’ve never gotten the feeling my mom likes her (just like I don’t think my mom actually likes me a whole lot) and my mom has made some comments to me awhile back about her being a poorly behaved child. She wasn’t and still isn’t. My parents are literally the only people that seem to think this. But my DD doesn’t know about these comments. My DD also said my mom doesn’t ask her about school or activities, instead focuses these questions towards her cousin.

Again, I don’t think this is all in her head - I see what she’s seeing, but I don’t ever point it out. I kind of figured she’d start to notice eventually as she got older. I don’t want to gaslight her into thinking it’s all in her head, but still want to try to foster a positive relationship… anyone been through something similar?

If you try to foster a 'positive' relationship with her than you are gaslighting her. Neither of my kids' grandmothers are really interested in them and I don't try to do anything! I acknowledge that yes there is no close relationship and second it is the responsibility of the older adult to try and forge a relationship. Now that my 'kids' are young adults that ship has sailed. Sucks for the grandmothers but, there is nothing to do but, acknowledge your dd's thoughts and feelings

Drama!!

Kids are more perceptive than we give them credit for. Your mom probably doesn’t like your daughter because she’s your daughter. It sounds awful, but I can relate!

My DD, thinks one of her grandmas doesn’t like her. They don’t spend tons of time together and zero one on one time together. All of their time spent together is either with other family or with just her other similarly aged cousin.

To be transparent, I have had a rocky relationship with my mom. I think DD is smart enough to have an inkling of that, though I’d like to think I’ve done a good job of shielding her from that because I didn’t want to influence her relationship with my mom.

Honestly, I don’t think DD is super off base when she says my mom doesn’t like her. I’ve never gotten the feeling my mom likes her (just like I don’t think my mom actually likes me a whole lot) and my mom has made some comments to me awhile back about her being a poorly behaved child. She wasn’t and still isn’t. My parents are literally the only people that seem to think this. But my DD doesn’t know about these comments. My DD also said my mom doesn’t ask her about school or activities, instead focuses these questions towards her cousin.

Again, I don’t think this is all in her head - I see what she’s seeing, but I don’t ever point it out. I kind of figured she’d start to notice eventually as she got older. I don’t want to gaslight her into thinking it’s all in her head, but still want to try to foster a positive relationship… anyone been through something similar?