Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry, OP. Big hugs. Try and make a happy child-free life for yourself.

My ASD son is asocial and doesn't talk. But he's not intentionally mean, and I know he loves me, not because he says so in so many words, but because one night when I had to get a hotel for the night instead of coming home, he worried so much that he hugged me when I returned - something that he'd never done before. And rarely, he asks about me or his sister. So I count my blessings, even though I know his extreme introversion will be a severe handicap for his professional and private life.

Your child is still in emotional growing pains. I hope they will realize they love you at some point. Hang in there!

Thank you. I used to feel this way—that I knew they loved me and just couldn’t show it. But it got less and less. I don’t know. I just feel so lost right now. I called my old therapist to see if I can get it. I need some kind of a plan. I really don’t think my kid is intentionally mean. I just need some plan.

Anonymous wrote:SPCD is not ASD, which one is it?

It was explained to us at the time that Asperger’s was no longer a diagnosis. They met the social difficulty part of ASD and sensory issues but not repetitive behaviors. Diagnosis was SPCD. This was around age 9.

Breathe, relax and hope for the best. Keep making gestures of your unconditional love so he knows that he isn't alone. Everyone has their struggles, this is yours. Take care of yourself. You are in our prayers. Hugs!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry this is so hard. Please understand that it’s hard on your son too. He too is going through a difficult change. Therapy for you is extremely important because you seem to be interpreting signs of his disability as if he is choosing them in order to be hurtful to you. He is not. Cutting off contact with him until Fall break is actively closing a door when he is at a fragile time. Please get therapy. You both could be so much happier. I say this as a fellow parent of a late diagnosed autistic child. In my darker moments I interpreted things as you do - as if my child were letting me down. The things he is doing and the person he is becoming are not a choice. He is disabled. He is monotropic. He likely still loves you deep inside but is undergoing so much change right now that he cannot show it. I am more or less typically developing and I was a real piece of work towards my parents at ages 18-30. Truly. I was an a**hole. Thought I knew everything. Give it time. Get some therapy. Reignite an old hobby or discover a new one.

Thank you. This is what I’ve told myself for so long now! I don’t know what pushed it over the edge but I just suddenly realized…I don’t have to TAKE this behavior. Maybe because they were so insistent on independence.

You don’t have to take it. You don’t have to keep reaching out. But don’t close the door either. Your son is in a fragile place. Away from home. Limited social skills. You don’t want him to simultaneously have a script in his head that he let down his mom. Let your husband do the outreach. Stay available. He will need you. Invest in yourself in the meantime. You have a backlog of resentment to work through. It will take time.

Yeah. They literally have not mentioned it to my husband or my mother. This also seems very strange to me? My email was not mean—not insulting even though it was obvious I was hurt. Maybethey interpreted it very literally? I don’t know. If I’d gotten something like that from my mom I definitely would have said something. But that kind of proves the point.

I need to find a therapist. Next week.

How is he with his dad?

I'm so sorry, OP. Big hugs. Try and make a happy child-free life for yourself.

My ASD son is asocial and doesn't talk. But he's not intentionally mean, and I know he loves me, not because he says so in so many words, but because one night when I had to get a hotel for the night instead of coming home, he worried so much that he hugged me when I returned - something that he'd never done before. And rarely, he asks about me or his sister. So I count my blessings, even though I know his extreme introversion will be a severe handicap for his professional and private life.

Your child is still in emotional growing pains. I hope they will realize they love you at some point. Hang in there!

Also remember, it is a very recent thing that parents expect a high level of contact during college. Not saying it wouldn’t be good for both of you, but rather that generations went to college with little contact other than snail mail. It was t that long ago that there was one phone in a hall and phone calls were rare.
The separation process is hard for both of you, but maybe we’re experiencing recently hyped up expectations. And maybe these expectations are less “normal” than your kids feelings.

SPCD is not ASD, which one is it?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry this is so hard. Please understand that it’s hard on your son too. He too is going through a difficult change. Therapy for you is extremely important because you seem to be interpreting signs of his disability as if he is choosing them in order to be hurtful to you. He is not. Cutting off contact with him until Fall break is actively closing a door when he is at a fragile time. Please get therapy. You both could be so much happier. I say this as a fellow parent of a late diagnosed autistic child. In my darker moments I interpreted things as you do - as if my child were letting me down. The things he is doing and the person he is becoming are not a choice. He is disabled. He is monotropic. He likely still loves you deep inside but is undergoing so much change right now that he cannot show it. I am more or less typically developing and I was a real piece of work towards my parents at ages 18-30. Truly. I was an a**hole. Thought I knew everything. Give it time. Get some therapy. Reignite an old hobby or discover a new one.

Thank you. This is what I’ve told myself for so long now! I don’t know what pushed it over the edge but I just suddenly realized…I don’t have to TAKE this behavior. Maybe because they were so insistent on independence.

You don’t have to take it. You don’t have to keep reaching out. But don’t close the door either. Your son is in a fragile place. Away from home. Limited social skills. You don’t want him to simultaneously have a script in his head that he let down his mom. Let your husband do the outreach. Stay available. He will need you. Invest in yourself in the meantime. You have a backlog of resentment to work through. It will take time.

I'm 17:56 - also I don't have expectations my kids will call me, except on my birthday. I just don't. If I want to talk to someone, I leave a voicemail or text.

This could be schizophrenia. My sister acted very similarly and ended up being diagnosed in college. I also have autism in my family so there might be a genetic link.

I only have experience with NT kids, but kids at that age are selfish F's. A friend's son didn't talk to her for his entire senior year. They went to go visit a college and he literally did not talk to her. Ten years later they take at least two vacations together.

I think therapy is good because are you really sure you want to cut off your kid? This friend taught me to just love on them and let them come back to you. I'm doing that with kids that don't seem all that in to me. But, I want them to call in the middle of the night. I'll always be here for them. GL!

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry this is so hard. Please understand that it’s hard on your son too. He too is going through a difficult change. Therapy for you is extremely important because you seem to be interpreting signs of his disability as if he is choosing them in order to be hurtful to you. He is not. Cutting off contact with him until Fall break is actively closing a door when he is at a fragile time. Please get therapy. You both could be so much happier. I say this as a fellow parent of a late diagnosed autistic child. In my darker moments I interpreted things as you do - as if my child were letting me down. The things he is doing and the person he is becoming are not a choice. He is disabled. He is monotropic. He likely still loves you deep inside but is undergoing so much change right now that he cannot show it. I am more or less typically developing and I was a real piece of work towards my parents at ages 18-30. Truly. I was an a**hole. Thought I knew everything. Give it time. Get some therapy. Reignite an old hobby or discover a new one.

Thank you. This is what I’ve told myself for so long now! I don’t know what pushed it over the edge but I just suddenly realized…I don’t have to TAKE this behavior. Maybe because they were so insistent on independence.

I’m so sorry this is so hard. Please understand that it’s hard on your son too. He too is going through a difficult change. Therapy for you is extremely important because you seem to be interpreting signs of his disability as if he is choosing them in order to be hurtful to you. He is not. Cutting off contact with him until Fall break is actively closing a door when he is at a fragile time. Please get therapy. You both could be so much happier. I say this as a fellow parent of a late diagnosed autistic child. In my darker moments I interpreted things as you do - as if my child were letting me down. The things he is doing and the person he is becoming are not a choice. He is disabled. He is monotropic. He likely still loves you deep inside but is undergoing so much change right now that he cannot show it. I am more or less typically developing and I was a real piece of work towards my parents at ages 18-30. Truly. I was an a**hole. Thought I knew everything. Give it time. Get some therapy. Reignite an old hobby or discover a new one.

I’m hurting here, so please no cruel responses. If you feel the need, please move on.

I have a child with high functioning ASD. Would probably have been labeled Aspergers but that diagnosis went away so it was SPCD—basically the difficulty with social relationships and communication. I should say they don’t actually accept this diagnosis and see it as a label they don’t want so that makes therapy harder.

Up until the middle teen years, while they were always quite shy out in the world, they were still extremely loving and funny with my husband and me.

That changed in later teen years and they became more and more introverted, started pulling away from us. I mean, that is normal teen stuff. But it just got worse and worse. There were some other issues I don’t want to mention here, but they kind of overtook the coldness, lack of affection. But there was therapy. It never helped much, I think partially because my child wouldn’t talk. But they always got great grades. No disciplinary stuff. Just always seemed cold, sarcastic, very introverted, no eye contact, hated touching, etc….had a small group of friends they liked so that was enough for them and if they were happy I was happy.

Over the last few years 16-18 they became more and more cold with me. One word responses. It’s like pulling teeth to have a conversation. My father is very similar to this, so it was not new to me, and it made me sad. It was very hard having a dad like this. And the idea that my only child would be like this was depressing. But I guess I held on to the way they used to be and hoped the coldness with us was a stage.

I began to feel that I was getting what I would call scraps of affection. Felt very sad and jealous when I’d see parents close to their kids. I know teens are supposed to be obnoxious but almost all the time? I had an almost too close relationship to my mom so it was very hard. But I kept holding on to the rare times they would be nice or funny or kind and trying to not think about all the other times.

This summer was ESPECIALLY bad. Everyone said it was soiling the nest. They were just so mean. I planned a whole trip for us (asked for their input a lot but they wouldn’t give any so I tried to think of things they would like) and the whole time they acted like they were doing me a big favor just by being there.

They recently left for college and almost immediately it was clear that I would have to fight to have them contact me on any kind of regular basis. Something happened where they reached out to me panicked and then as soon as the panic passed, they became angry at me for responding because they felt I overreacted. (Called in the middle of the night with possible major health problem)

I just feel….done.

I was so tired, angry, sad. I wrote a long email and wished them a good semester but said I didn’t think we should talk until fall break. (Said I was always available for emergencies but other than that could always talk to their father.)

I was angry but also grieving. And now I’m just trying to figure everything out. Empty nesting is hard. But damn even harder when your kid has been a jerk for a while now and I just realized….this is not going to change. I either learn how to accept a relationship with my kid the way THEY do relationships—which to me feels very distant and cold. Or? Have no relationship at all? Keep fighting trying to have the close relationship I wish we had. But that hasn’t worked.

I think if my child had ALWAYS been this way I obviously would have accepted it by now. It’s that they were sweet and kind. But they changed, and they do seem very much ASD now when it comes to social connections—eye contact, touching, flat tone, flat appearing emotionally. But now in addition they are physically gone. I could at least see them before. I think unless they have a panic attack they don’t really care about talking to me at all.

So, I know I need to find a therapist to talk about this with. Empty nesting is hard but the ASD makes it even harder. Or maybe my kid is just a jerk and ASD has nothing to do with it. Or I’m a terrible mother? I’m not perfect. I know that. But I did try my best and have always loved and been proud of my child.