Historically it was very common for kids to live with their parents until marriage or for their whole life. This idea about launching is very modern (post WW2) and doesn’t actually make a lot of sense. My grandmother lived with parents until she was 31 and got married. Her sister lived with them until they died. They were both wonderful successful people. My nephew lived with his parents after college for several years. He is a wonderful successful person who wisely didn’t waste money on a crappy apartment he couldn’t afford.
OP I am sure your parents were happy to help. Some day you will be happy to help them, hopefully. Stick around for that.

OP is severely depressed and losing touch with rationality.

You need to call a medical professional or your parents.

Don’t die. They supported you so you could be successful in life. Be successful.
Also stay alive so when they r not capable, at least you can help take care of them physicially. Such as take them to doctors appointments, make sure all their bills are paid , keep track of their medical care , maintain their home, help them with cooking cleaning etc.

Don’t be narrow minded and dumb, please.

OP.

Anonymous wrote:It's kind of a reductive, transactional and passive-aggressive way at looking at things, OP. Any parent would rather complain about their living child than lament their dead child. Dying before them would only make things more sad- you never paid them back/flew on your own/proved your worth.

If you actually feel bad about owing them so much money and taking so much away from them (if they need it), tell them often, thank them, show you care in ways that may not be financial and stay alive.

Only you know your financial issues, though. If you don't have a plan for being financially independent by the time they die, you may need to have them up their life insurance, invest well or find some new parents who can afford you, I guess.

+1
This is a kid who says
"I wish I'd never been born"
"You want me to run away"
"You wish I had never been born and would be happy if I ran away"

Just stop OP. Get help.
Stop making it all about you. Go volunteer with truly unfortunate people. Get off the internet.
Then go be a better person. Do it for your parents. They want that more than they want you dead.

What did these million dollars cover? Are they mentioning how much it cost to raise you all the time?

What a ridiculous self-narcissistic post to write! What a victim you are, op. Your parents care and give you money, and you will repay them by causing them life long grief of the worst kind.

Redemption for them is to see you successful. It's all any parent wants.

Having a child die is the worst kind of loss. Part of them will die with you and they will never fully recover.

It's kind of a reductive, transactional and passive-aggressive way at looking at things, OP. Any parent would rather complain about their living child than lament their dead child. Dying before them would only make things more sad- you never paid them back/flew on your own/proved your worth.

If you actually feel bad about owing them so much money and taking so much away from them (if they need it), tell them often, thank them, show you care in ways that may not be financial and stay alive.

Only you know your financial issues, though. If you don't have a plan for being financially independent by the time they die, you may need to have them up their life insurance, invest well or find some new parents who can afford you, I guess.

WTF. I would absolutely lose my mind if my kid died before me. I would give every last cent I have to have them outlive me.

No, you are getting this wrong, OP. They don’t want the money. If you are insistent on repaying them, here’s what they truly, really want - for you to live the life you want, genuinely & honestly. For you to support yourself so they don’t worry about it when they retire/aren’t earning income. For you to be self sufficient, & know how to give yourself proper, gentle self care so you aren’t considering suicide over some repayment to your parents, who brought you into this world.

Seriously I would rather my kid ghost me & never talk to me again if my support was causing this feeling. It was provided to you so you could launch successfully into adulthood. Go to it.

Is this the same OP who wanted to come back in their next life as someone who moved out at age 18?

Talk to your parents, and meet a therapist. You deserve better from yourself.

Hmmm. I’m a mom. Nope, no need to “redeem” yourself. Hopefully you’re just having a bad night. Don’t worry about the money. Maybe spend some positive activity time with your parents if you want to “pay them back.”

No parent wants their kid to die before they do.

No it wouldn't redeem you.

Stay alive. Money is less important than life.

Do they need the money? Why? Can you replace what they need to buy with money, through your own labor?
Eldercare?

They would not have given you the money if they didn't care for you. If they lose you, all is lost.

I would say I owe them about a million dollars and I just can’t see myself paying that off before they both die.