Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thank you for the support!

It is such a tricky balance between pushing vs promoting independence. I don’t want to hurt our relationship but college is a big deal.

I feel like I did use her criteria to steer her to a wide range to consider but she only likes two places.

I heard her complain yesterday that her mother is picking her colleges and that makes me want to rip my hair out!

Can you tell her that you heard her complaint and that it confused you? If she has one true safety on her list I think you can back off. It is painful (I also have a senior who won’t research) but you really don’t want them to feel like someone else made the decisions for them, even if that is a ridiculous way to feel.

My kid wouldn’t research, but he would visit. So we made a list from his criteria and visited a few. He is EDing to one that met almost none of his criteria, but it’s what he wants and it’s affordable, so yay. It’s baffling.

I look back on my own college list and it was a random mishmash with zero commonalities between schools, aside from I thought they sounded cool and they had my sport. But I landed fine, and I have faith our kids will too.

There are some online college list builders, why not try one of those? At least that would take the edge off the mother-daughter dynamic.

I also want to know how short is too short a list. DD has two schools she knows she likes - her public flagship and an OOS public that will require merit. But she may not get in either, so we helped her create a “balanced list” of 2 reaches, 4 targets, and 2 safeties. We used Naviance, CollegeVine, Niche, and the Forbes list to build this list. If we’re lucky she’ll end up where she started - her flagship - and this angst will be for naught. If she’s unlucky, all bets are off.

OP: Why not assist your child ? College is an enormous expense.

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thank you for the support!

It is such a tricky balance between pushing vs promoting independence. I don’t want to hurt our relationship but college is a big deal.

I feel like I did use her criteria to steer her to a wide range to consider but she only likes two places.

I heard her complain yesterday that her mother is picking her colleges and that makes me want to rip my hair out!

Fine, but then you should pay for her college.

OP again. We visited several places and there is no counselor help at her public HS.

This is OP. Thank you for the support!

It is such a tricky balance between pushing vs promoting independence. I don’t want to hurt our relationship but college is a big deal.

I feel like I did use her criteria to steer her to a wide range to consider but she only likes two places.

I heard her complain yesterday that her mother is picking her colleges and that makes me want to rip my hair out!

Tell them to go on Tik Tok, which is probably how DD picked list. Knew wanted big rah rah with campus, not in boonies and good academic school. And college counselor helped.

I think it’s too much for kids to figure out on their own. How do they know what they want in a college if they’ve never seen or experienced one? Parents can talk about what they liked and didn’t like and can take them to visit. Once they’ve spent time on different types of campuses, they’ll have a better idea. Start with your local state schools and schools you can afford.

Take what little she’s given you and create a list. If the schools are close, do a quick visit if you can. Sometimes it takes a visit to get them interested.

High schoolers don’t know what they don’t know. Ask them to help you define their preferences (or sometimes the dealbreakers are easier to pinpoint), then use your far greater knowledge of the college landscape to draw up a list of potential options.

From there, have them poke around each school’s website, watch videos, read reviews, etc. It it’s feasible, visit this fall. If not, apply and then see if interest is still there after acceptance.

Anonymous wrote:How did your kids find out about colleges they might like?

It took months to get my kid (a good, involved student) to, as a junior, even say some general things she wants /doesn’t want in a school, like not small and not in a city. But she would never search or come up with ideas so we visited several schools I thought might fit her.

Now she’s a senior with a too-short list and is complaining, but when we tell her she can visit and apply anywhere she’s interested in she never researches or comes up with anything. (We gave the guidebooks and I’ve told her about Niche.)

When I ask how her friends (who seem very motivated and focused) picked schools she says she doesn’t know.
Time is running out!

What is "too-short" of a list? So many students now are applying to 20+ schools and it's ridiculous.

I don't know but I want to sympathize. I have a senior son who also won't engage in the process. He wants to go to college, he's a top student, etc. but he's currently paralyzed with anxiety.

I have another kid who was nothing like this. I was nothing like this. I have a good friend whose daughter is also paralyzed with anxiety over this (she won't engage either).

It's a very hard time for some kids and makes this entire process so much more stressful on the parents (100% more stressful). I'm sure people on here will start saying "gap year!" but that's the last thing my son wants or needs. He desperately wants to go to college and he'll thrive there (as he's thrived in high school). It's just getting him there that is proving to be really difficult. It's a crazy delicate balance between encouraging him and giving him space.

My child came up with the criteria and I did the research to create a list. I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

How did your kids find out about colleges they might like?

It took months to get my kid (a good, involved student) to, as a junior, even say some general things she wants /doesn’t want in a school, like not small and not in a city. But she would never search or come up with ideas so we visited several schools I thought might fit her.

Now she’s a senior with a too-short list and is complaining, but when we tell her she can visit and apply anywhere she’s interested in she never researches or comes up with anything. (We gave the guidebooks and I’ve told her about Niche.)

When I ask how her friends (who seem very motivated and focused) picked schools she says she doesn’t know.
Time is running out!