Anonymous wrote:So basically you married and had kids with a man who can't afford it, and you also disagree with his parenting choices. Yet you had kids with him anyway.

Take some responsibility for your role in this.

Yes, and she hates the step daughter for taking resources away from the precious "our" golden children. Who likely have lived a much more privileged life than SD with a mentally ill mom.

Maybe OP shouldn't have had more children than she could afford?

This is why you don't do blended families. Sounds like you all cannot afford college. Time for the kid to take loan and get help from the other parent.

I wouldn't throw away a marriage for an issue that will 100% resolve itself in 2 years.

I definitely think counselling is a good idea, as is college kid working more shifts to cut down what dad has to contribute. I think some compassion towards him being a single dad to her is nice as well. It almost sounds like you resent his child for "taking away" from your children, which isn't necessarily fair. There is so much room for compromise here - like maybe she pays for her own car insurance, but he still covers the rest. Or some mixture of her covering more/him less.

So basically you married and had kids with a man who can't afford it, and you also disagree with his parenting choices. Yet you had kids with him anyway.

Take some responsibility for your role in this.

Is the stepchild carrying a full courseload? Obviously they are supposed to be studying and writing papers in addition to in-class time. If they are a part-time student that's different.

It's all too common for second wives to not understand what expenses are age-appropriate for older teens and young adults. Housing etc really is horribly expensive. Be sure your perceptions are accurate. It's not realistic to expect the child to earn enough for living expenses while also carrying a full courseload, especially if they are in an expensive area.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't let this small financial issue bring down your marriage. And don't make him feel like he has to choose between his child and you.

Divorce is SOOOOOO much more expensive! You lose half your assets and pay much more in overall expenses.

You can make it work.

This argument goes both ways. He'd lose half his assets and pay much more in overall expenses, likely leaving nothing for him to give to his adult child in the end. The solution is not for OP to lay down on this issue. OP is a mother, and most mothers are not willing to turn their young children into martyrs. She's likely not fighting for herself but for her dependent, minor kids and the support they deserve from their father. Her spouse needs to pay his share.

Her spouse also needs to pay his fair share for his daughter. Just because she's a starter family doesn't mean he gets out of paying. It sounds like he had a second family that he can't afford

If they get divorced, he'll be ordered to pay child support and half of the kid's expenses, and he'll be on his own to pay his living expenses. No judge will order him to give his 22-year-old daughter money to cover her cell phone or car expenses. You're probably right that he had no business starting a second family, but what's done is done. He has to support his minor children, period, end of story.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't let this small financial issue bring down your marriage. And don't make him feel like he has to choose between his child and you.

Divorce is SOOOOOO much more expensive! You lose half your assets and pay much more in overall expenses.

You can make it work.

This argument goes both ways. He'd lose half his assets and pay much more in overall expenses, likely leaving nothing for him to give to his adult child in the end. The solution is not for OP to lay down on this issue. OP is a mother, and most mothers are not willing to turn their young children into martyrs. She's likely not fighting for herself but for her dependent, minor kids and the support they deserve from their father. Her spouse needs to pay his share.

Her spouse also needs to pay his fair share for his daughter. Just because she's a starter family doesn't mean he gets out of paying. It sounds like he had a second family that he can't afford

Anonymous wrote:Don't let this small financial issue bring down your marriage. And don't make him feel like he has to choose between his child and you.

Divorce is SOOOOOO much more expensive! You lose half your assets and pay much more in overall expenses.

You can make it work.

This argument goes both ways. He'd lose half his assets and pay much more in overall expenses, likely leaving nothing for him to give to his adult child in the end. The solution is not for OP to lay down on this issue. OP is a mother, and most mothers are not willing to turn their young children into martyrs. She's likely not fighting for herself but for her dependent, minor kids and the support they deserve from their father. Her spouse needs to pay his share.

And honestly, you may incur $150k in legal expenses to divorce, so just think that funding a little extra in living expenses is actually saving you money in legal fees.

Don't let this small financial issue bring down your marriage. And don't make him feel like he has to choose between his child and you.

Divorce is SOOOOOO much more expensive! You lose half your assets and pay much more in overall expenses.

You can make it work.

Out of curiosity, what is a fair amount for him to contribute to housing and kids' expenses? Is it 50/50? Hold firm on whatever amount is fair. When he asks you to pay his "fair share" of the bills, the answer is NFW. Period. Do not vacillate. Tell him you're broke, too, and you don't have any liquidity to cover his share. Contributing to your 401k and your kids' 529 plans is a good way to make yourself broke.

I went through a version of this in my marriage, but the facts are slightly different. When we first married, he wanted me to stop contributing to my 401k to have more money for his older kids for non-essential expenses. My response was a very, very hard no. I was ready to walk away because I was so upset that he even suggested I stop saving for retirement.

When we had kids together, he didn't want me to save any portion of my income to their 529 plans. Again, it was an older kid issue related to non-essential expenses (meaning it was not coming from their college tuition - more like spring break trips, cars, phone bills, summer backpacking trips, and new skis). Over the years, my income had gone up, and I could afford to save in my 401k and their 529 plans and cover my share of our family's shared expenses. The answer was, once again, NFW, and I found myself again considering divorce over it. In our case, I make a good income, but not enough to cash flow to their college someday. He makes an even higher income, but he'll likely want to retire when our shared children are in college. I plan to retire whenever he retires. All these facts lead to why I would not budge on funding our kids' 529 plans. I did the math, and if we got divorced, he would have to pay me a hefty amount of child support, so there was no version of married or divorced life where I couldn't afford to fund their 529 plans. This became a firm boundary. It's still a touchy subject, but I feel strongly about my position. I've compromised on many other blended family matters in our marriage.

You sound exhausting. I think your DH has a type

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Blended/Married for 8 years with two biological elementary aged kids and a 22yo step-child in college. Have separate finances with agreed expenses paid by both spouses. Spouse is determined to cover step-child expenses in college (car payments, insurance, housing, and part
of tuition expenses), but can’t really afford to do so anymore and is constantly asking me to pay some of their fair share of bills. Basically, we’re both struggling financially just to float college expenses. Step-child works once a week or sometimes once in two weeks to cover their own utilities/groceries. When I mentioned that being in classes three times a week, leaves another three days to work a part-time job…..is met with resentment/silence by spouse. I am at a point where I am doing everything on my own and covering our bio kids expenses without any financial contribution from my spouse. There are other issues in marriage on top of this one such as baseless infidelity accusations, emotional abuse, and etc. I am thinking of separating from my spouse, because of all of these issues….Will going to a marriage counselor help alleviate some of the issues or should I just say “f-it” and file? I am willing to try marriage therapy though.

Will this pass since the stepchild is 22? Or do you anticipate your DH will continue to cover car payments, insurance, and housing into young adulthood? How do you feel about only seeing your biological kids 50% of the time? These are some initial questions.

In my opinion, you should always try therapy before ending a marriage, even if you're pessimistic about its ability to improve things. Do it for yourself so that if you leave, you feel 100% good about the decision and that you gave your marriage your best shot.

In the meantime, some better boundaries should be set and enforced. Depending on the children's expenses, he needs to pay his share of living expenses and your mutual. He can help his adult child with whatever is left over after he covers those costs. If you don't know how to enforce boundaries like that within your marriage, I suggest also seeing an individual therapist. Many women, such as my mom, have zero boundaries in their relationships and get run over by their spouses. You may be part of the problem because you don't know how to set and enforce boundaries in your marriage.

OP—I have firm boundaries in my marriage and will not cover unpaid bills for my spouse (his agreed expenses). The expectation is for him to stop paying these expenses once my step-child graduates from college in two years. They’re on their own from there. I will bring up to marriage counselor that this is a major issue in our marriage and the step-child can work more to cover their living expenses. My spouse was a single parent with sole custody, the other parent has severe mental illness and is not in the picture financially.

Anonymous wrote:Blended/Married for 8 years with two biological elementary aged kids and a 22yo step-child in college. Have separate finances with agreed expenses paid by both spouses. Spouse is determined to cover step-child expenses in college (car payments, insurance, housing, and part
of tuition expenses), but can’t really afford to do so anymore and is constantly asking me to pay some of their fair share of bills. Basically, we’re both struggling financially just to float college expenses. Step-child works once a week or sometimes once in two weeks to cover their own utilities/groceries. When I mentioned that being in classes three times a week, leaves another three days to work a part-time job…..is met with resentment/silence by spouse. I am at a point where I am doing everything on my own and covering our bio kids expenses without any financial contribution from my spouse. There are other issues in marriage on top of this one such as baseless infidelity accusations, emotional abuse, and etc. I am thinking of separating from my spouse, because of all of these issues….Will going to a marriage counselor help alleviate some of the issues or should I just say “f-it” and file? I am willing to try marriage therapy though.

Will this pass since the stepchild is 22? Or do you anticipate your DH will continue to cover car payments, insurance, and housing into young adulthood? How do you feel about only seeing your biological kids 50% of the time? These are some initial questions.

In my opinion, you should always try therapy before ending a marriage, even if you're pessimistic about its ability to improve things. Do it for yourself so that if you leave, you feel 100% good about the decision and that you gave your marriage your best shot.

In the meantime, some better boundaries should be set and enforced. Depending on the children's expenses, he needs to pay his share of living expenses and your mutual. He can help his adult child with whatever is left over after he covers those costs. If you don't know how to enforce boundaries like that within your marriage, I suggest also seeing an individual therapist. Many women, such as my mom, have zero boundaries in their relationships and get run over by their spouses. You may be part of the problem because you don't know how to set and enforce boundaries in your marriage.

Blended/Married for 8 years with two biological elementary aged kids and a 22yo step-child in college. Have separate finances with agreed expenses paid by both spouses. Spouse is determined to cover step-child expenses in college (car payments, insurance, housing, and part
of tuition expenses), but can’t really afford to do so anymore and is constantly asking me to pay some of their fair share of bills. Basically, we’re both struggling financially just to float college expenses. Step-child works once a week or sometimes once in two weeks to cover their own utilities/groceries. When I mentioned that being in classes three times a week, leaves another three days to work a part-time job…..is met with resentment/silence by spouse. I am at a point where I am doing everything on my own and covering our bio kids expenses without any financial contribution from my spouse. There are other issues in marriage on top of this one such as baseless infidelity accusations, emotional abuse, and etc. I am thinking of separating from my spouse, because of all of these issues….Will going to a marriage counselor help alleviate some of the issues or should I just say “f-it” and file? I am willing to try marriage therapy though.