Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always read that you have to set boundaries in your relationship, when you want to be treated with respect and decency. How do you do this if the other spouse continually disrespects you and treats you like garbage. The only consequence you have left is to get a divorce?

You take enough time dating and cohabiting to make sure you two are compatible and capable of respecting boundaries.

Yup

I’d get out of that situation. He won’t change.

People misunderstand boundaries as “the way I want people to treat me and they must comply”. They aren’t. Boundaries are about what you can do and are prepared to do. So if your husband calls you vile names but you need him for money and have no other pressure levers, you don’t have a boundary. Bc no matter how many times you say “you can’t treat me this way”, he knows he can.

You can make boundaries, but that doesn't mean they will be respected.

It's a good idea to convey what the outcome of violating a boundary will be. "If you refer to me in disrespectful ways, I will....(walk away, make an appointment for marriage counseling, file for divorce and move out, etc.).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you give some examples?

Vile and baseless insults, really crazy stuff. Not going to repeat them here but nothing a civilized person would say.

Boundaries are not about changing the other person. Boundaries are about what you will accept, where is your line.

Sometimes to maintain your boundary, you cannnot stay with a person who makes vile baseless insults.

How long term is this marriage? If you are an empty nester move on.

Anonymous wrote:Can you give some examples?

Vile and baseless insults, really crazy stuff. Not going to repeat them here but nothing a civilized person would say.

Can you give some examples?

Day 1. Do not indulge
Manipulation. The end.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always read that you have to set boundaries in your relationship, when you want to be treated with respect and decency. How do you do this if the other spouse continually disrespects you and treats you like garbage. The only consequence you have left is to get a divorce?

You take enough time dating and cohabiting to make sure you two are compatible and capable of respecting boundaries.

This response is unhelpful and misses the point. This is about boundaries in a marriage, specifically with children. Dating and cohabiting phase is over. The question wasn’t retrospective - what could have been done differently. It was forward looking - what can I do in this situation from NOW ON. Responders often get this wrong.

*cohabitating

Anonymous wrote:I always read that you have to set boundaries in your relationship, when you want to be treated with respect and decency. How do you do this if the other spouse continually disrespects you and treats you like garbage. The only consequence you have left is to get a divorce?

You take enough time dating and cohabiting to make sure you two are compatible and capable of respecting boundaries.

I see no evidence that OP needs to change.

It's rarely that one sided. But sometimes it actually is.

therapy. Separation. Working toward better behavior, but the other spouse has to be willing to acknowledge the dynamic and both have to be willing to change.

I always read that you have to set boundaries in your relationship, when you want to be treated with respect and decency. How do you do this if the other spouse continually disrespects you and treats you like garbage. The only consequence you have left is to get a divorce?