Wait a second. OP did Not say she texted DD. DD texted her.

Later, ask her if she wants to be heard, hugged or helped, stolen from a NYT article.

She may bond with someone this afternoon. Or once an activity/club starts.

Starting HS is hard! Shyness is hard. A professor once defined it as being both warden and prisoner.

I have no great solutions, OP, but sympathy.

Anonymous wrote:Just got a text from my 9th grader - sat by herself at lunch today. Not a huge surprise, truly - she is so painfully shy. Anybody have any good tips for some tough love here? She has had friends in multiple iterations of her life, but the other person always has to make the first move. We have tried to imprint on her how important it is to talk to people and ask them questions; not just sit on the sidelines, but nothing is sticking. I'm so stressed about how this first day is going already.

Sounds like your anxiety is trickling over. Teens need to figure this out on their own. I know it seems mean and you can help them out a bit but I think we are stunting our kids with talking to them during the school day.

Too early for tough love. She may just need support and love at this stage.

Anonymous wrote:Encourage her to approach someone else eating alone - they are probably also shy so it’s a good match!

Also: this is what the first week of high school is. And the first week of college. And grad school. And each new job. She needs to know she can survive this week and thrive in a new place.

I would caution against taking this approach. I had difficulty making friends in high school and sat alone at lunch most of the time. When I made the mistake of trying to befriend the other "shy" kids, I found that many of them were sitting alone because they were either bullies or just complete weirdos- not in a cool or fun way but in a mentally unstable or threatening way.

OP, let your daughter figure this out for herself. Stop texting her during the school day and allow her to grow up and separate a bit.

Does she want sympathy or solutions? Sometimes things are tough and you just want to be able to vent to someone who loves you.

But sometimes you don’t know how to solve it and want help.

Maybe ask her which she wants from you.

Encourage her to approach someone else eating alone - they are probably also shy so it’s a good match!

Also: this is what the first week of high school is. And the first week of college. And grad school. And each new job. She needs to know she can survive this week and thrive in a new place.

I’m not yet a high school kid parent, just middle school, but I would lay off any “tough love”. Sitting alone sucks, she knows it sucks, just let her have a safe haven at home with her family instead of stressing her out more.

Stop being stressed. This isn't your problem to solve. Eventually the pain of being alone with be bigger than the pain of overcoming shyness and she'll go up to someone. She HAS the solution - she just has to employ it.

Have her name one or two people from those lunch periods and invite them out.

It's first day of high school! Let her figure out.

Leave her be. Let her figure out. And stop texting with her during the school day.

Reach out to the school therapist. There are more kids like your daughter than you think. She can meet with your daughter, sometimes the therapists meets kids in a group with the same issue.

I ate alone a lot and continued to in college. I didn’t like it in high school but I preferred it in college.

She knows no one in that lunch period??

If she knows anyone, even if vaguely, have her sit with them? No one will say no at this point in the year. Later, they might.

DD is similar. This is the week she needs to get over it. Ours has decided she's going to try to be outgoing at least for today and tomorrow.

Just got a text from my 9th grader - sat by herself at lunch today. Not a huge surprise, truly - she is so painfully shy. Anybody have any good tips for some tough love here? She has had friends in multiple iterations of her life, but the other person always has to make the first move. We have tried to imprint on her how important it is to talk to people and ask them questions; not just sit on the sidelines, but nothing is sticking. I'm so stressed about how this first day is going already.