After a game - not the time to discuss.

But, she is now beginning to reach an age and maturity level where she can understand the ideas and process of personal growth and improvement. Do talk about that.

Her team plays games, and the players strive to win the games. But, they are doing so in an overall context where the real goal is to try and become better players. So, for example, the coach may not play the best players in the most strategic positions because the coach wants other kids to be learning those positions and getting those experiences. Why? Because (1) pragmatically the coach knows that the “best” players at 12 will very likely not be the “best” players at 16, and (2) the job of the coach is to work to improve the knowledge and playing abilities of all the players on the team. “Winning” is very secondary.

Winning or losing a youth soccer game is pretty much a foregone conclusion. Teams play in leagues where they try and match up based on overall team skills/abilities. A large suburban league might have 20 to 40 u12 teams divided up into 2-5 divisions. The divisions are structured so that the teams in each division are of a similar abilities. This allows for more competitive games. Tournaments are structured the same way.

This structuring of competition allows for a better learning experience for everyone, and also more fun. Very often you can see what happens when mismatched teams play in high school leagues. High school soccer games are won by the team with more and higher level club players. You basically already know who is going to win every game save for those where coincidentally the teams are pretty close in their club player participation. The same is true for u12. It’s just that club leagues can divide up level a bit more fairly than high school leagues.

And, depending at bit on the level of ability of the players on your daughter’s team right now - things will change starting next year. Players will be sorting themselves out as better players will often move to higher level playing teams and those teams will let players go. Kids will be hitting puberty growth and girls who were fast at 11/12 will slow down and not make the 13/14 year old high level teams. And, lots of athletic kids will move on to other sports that are a better fit for them.

(Note on better fit - soccer is a first team sport
for many girls. The better athletes will do well and play on higher level teams. But, most of those kids will move along to other sports when they can start those. My daughter played on very high level youth teams. She had many teammates who were on the younger age teams go on to other sports in the middle school years, and do very well in those sports. Over the years she had teammates who later; swam for SEC schools, captained a Big10 lacrosse team, ran x-country for a Big10 school, skied for a Colorado college, and played basketball for a mid-major college. Many others simply played different sports in high school.)

Now - a big parent role here is to be supportive but also realistic. That’s very difficult as pretty much any parent can confirm. You have to help your kid to make choices that work with her physical abilities and her interests - and your family’s reality (where are you located, what can you spend in time and money are huge factors.) We had a home not far from a suburban riding club. We teased our kids that they could have been Olympic dressage riders, but we were too poor to pay the $50,000 a year it would take to get them competing. Playing on an ECNL team and doing privates will be $6-12K a year. Not everyone can swing that.

Does it matter? Must you play on a top level team, Yes and No. Could you get supplemental development playing on a weaker team? Yes but it is not easy. The big problem is you are not practicing with and playing against top level players. Probably the most effective substitute would be a well coached guys team. What girls miss out on by not playing at a high level is the development that comes from practicing with high level players.

Example from my daughter’s teams. At u17 a kid was added to help out a coach from a local community club. She was the coach’s kid and had grown up playing in that club. She was tall, fast and physically aggressive. And, comparatively speaking in relation to the other girls on the team she sucked. Playing against weaker competition meant she did not have to be as solid on her ball skills as the kids who were on the team. She couldn’t win the ball working against good defenders, she didn’t have good first touches, so good 1 v 1 defenders that she now was facing just ate her up. Had she made the move to higher level competition at 12/13 instead of 16/17 she likely could have been a big D1 college recruit. As it ended up she had a nice run at a D2.
The point being - you have to play with and against top level players to be a top level player.

Anonymous wrote:My DD is 12 and has always struggled with emotional regulation. We’ve generally worked on some decent strategies in life but the one situation I haven’t figured out is post game disappointment. There’s lots of drama the ride home (we’re horrible, I did the worst ever, I never get better, …). She could’ve scored the winning goal and it won’t matter, she rarely comes off the field without being extremely self critical or critical about the teams performance.

I’ve come to understand it’s a lot of venting so I just keep my mouth shut and listen. But are there better strategies to help her before she gets to this point? Do some people just need a cool down period?

+1 My youngest DD was also like this. It was not fun, especially on long car rides after travel soccer games. She plays so intensely during games, and puts her all into it, so sometimes I think it was an adrenaline release. I just listened and let her vent, then let her sit in silence and calm herself down. She is ultra-competitive. It has gotten much better over the years, and she is much more analytical about her and the team's performance rather than critical now, but it was probably at its peak around 12-13. She is still very competitive, works really hard at the sports she is involved in (trains on her own in addition to practices), and and has strong opinions about coaching techniques (practicing, formations, etc).

You might check out mental training — the one I stumbled across is the Elite Mental Game (used to be called the Elite Competitor I think). She has less expensive/short term courses in addition to the main program as well as free podcasts and tidbits/tips for how to handle the post game car ride (the “what to say challenge” training comes to mind for your situation).

Anonymous wrote:Also be sure these girls aren’t on texting chat groups belaboring it

Op here. She doesn’t. In fact in the field she’s the most encouraging of them all. Incredibly vocal, telling others to shake off bad passes, etc. it’s just what happens in the car.

Thank you all for these suggestions! I can see how some of these may work for her.

It’s her first year on an ECNL team (soccer) and the competition is going to be strong. She’s been playing with most of the same girls for a few years and really likes them.

She takes the competition very seriously and to heart. I feel like if I don’t help her figure out some coping skills in this situation it’s not going to be fun in the long term.

Thank you for your responses.

Belaboring how awful she played is not helpful, but from an athletic point of view neither is “oh well, we lost, but at least I tried.” That is great for the kid who plays just for fun, which should be most kids. But some kids are really competitive, and for them the failure matters a lot, and they use it as fuel. If they didn’t care so fiercely, if they weren’t so critical of their and their team’s performance, they wouldn’t be competitive athletes.

My kid is a baseball player, is committed to play in college. He has been on teams where the boys were happy and joking around after a loss - he loathed it, even though he really liked the boys and had fun most games. He wanted to hold himself and others to a higher standard, but they just wanted to enjoy the game. It wasn’t a good fit.

OP, if your kid is wallowing or perseverating that isn’t helpful. But if she is just disgustedly saying “that sucked. I didn’t make a goal and I wasn’t as aggressive as I want to be” or whatever, that’s fine. Let her vent. Later you can ask what she wants to do to prepare for the next game.

It’s uncomfortable to have our kids be cranky about a game, because it’s just a game! But resist the temptation to hear only happy things. The negativity can be where drive comes from. Happy go lucky people are rarely superb athletes.

Anonymous wrote:My son is like this. 99% of the time his attitude has a 180 after he has a snack.

This. We learned over the years to not talk, offer any encouragement, advice or support. Just listen. They want to vent and then it’s over after they eat or drink something.

My son is like this. 99% of the time his attitude has a 180 after he has a snack.

Also be sure these girls aren’t on texting chat groups belaboring it

Anonymous wrote:My DD is 12 and has always struggled with emotional regulation. We’ve generally worked on some decent strategies in life but the one situation I haven’t figured out is post game disappointment. There’s lots of drama the ride home (we’re horrible, I did the worst ever, I never get better, …). She could’ve scored the winning goal and it won’t matter, she rarely comes off the field without being extremely self critical or critical about the teams performance.

I’ve come to understand it’s a lot of venting so I just keep my mouth shut and listen. But are there better strategies to help her before she gets to this point? Do some people just need a cool down period?

Is the coach saying similar things?

When I coached we NEVER discussed the game immediately after, win or lose. Instead we went over everything first thing at the next practice.

I suggest putting a no talking about it/24 hour rule. Be sure to tell her that her feelings are not valid and she needs to sleep on it to get more perspective.

My DS is like this. I just listen for awhile and repeat positive catchphrases (“it’s only one game, I love watching you play, you did so well at xyz, I’m sure you’ll get it next time) etc. If it goes on for awhile, I am more firm, TBH “Larlo- I thought you did great today. Let’s let this go for now” and then change the subject. There is only so much I can listen to TBH, and I don’t want to encourage wallowing.

We also try very hard to always emphasize “team” over individual performance- whether it was a good game for DS or not. I think this helps take the focus off their own performance a little bit.

Anonymous wrote:My DD is 12 and has always struggled with emotional regulation. We’ve generally worked on some decent strategies in life but the one situation I haven’t figured out is post game disappointment. There’s lots of drama the ride home (we’re horrible, I did the worst ever, I never get better, …). She could’ve scored the winning goal and it won’t matter, she rarely comes off the field without being extremely self critical or critical about the teams performance.

I’ve come to understand it’s a lot of venting so I just keep my mouth shut and listen. But are there better strategies to help her before she gets to this point? Do some people just need a cool down period?

Anxiety, And her self worth is tied up to her winning. You need to let her know in many ways that you love her unconditionally.

My DD is 12 and has always struggled with emotional regulation. We’ve generally worked on some decent strategies in life but the one situation I haven’t figured out is post game disappointment. There’s lots of drama the ride home (we’re horrible, I did the worst ever, I never get better, …). She could’ve scored the winning goal and it won’t matter, she rarely comes off the field without being extremely self critical or critical about the teams performance.

I’ve come to understand it’s a lot of venting so I just keep my mouth shut and listen. But are there better strategies to help her before she gets to this point? Do some people just need a cool down period?