My mom hated my grandmother (her MIL) but MIL was too cheap to hire help and my mom probably wanted her money so she took care of her her last year. It really took away from us kids and I resented her for it. I wouldn’t do it for my mom.

Anonymous wrote:It’s not easy. Raising three kids to adulthood was a piece of cake compared to dealing with my elderly parents.

100%%%

Anonymous wrote:Unless your children understand why the parent has huge boundaries with grandparent(s) what the learn is to ignore or abandon aging parents is "normal."
I did.
My mom hated my step grandmother who was paraplegic. She never helped in any way though living next door. One night Louise (sgm) called she had fallen trying to transfer to bed, aide was gone, could I come over to help. Mom hung up. Called no one.
Mom died unvisited in a nursing home.

Part of parents modeling strong boundaries is to have those conversations. So sure, talk to the kids at an age-appropriate level and go from there.

Unless your children understand why the parent has huge boundaries with grandparent(s) what the learn is to ignore or abandon aging parents is "normal."
I did.
My mom hated my step grandmother who was paraplegic. She never helped in any way though living next door. One night Louise (sgm) called she had fallen trying to transfer to bed, aide was gone, could I come over to help. Mom hung up. Called no one.
Mom died unvisited in a nursing home.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They aren’t toxic and overall good people that sacrificed their lives for their children’s future. But g-d if they aren’t annoying AF.

Respect them and treat them with dignity. Remember that your children will learn from you how to treat elderly parents. I suspect that they already find you super annoying.

What about grandchildren who learn that their parents were aggravated and exhausted by mean, self-centered bullies. My kids are learning about having enough self-respect to build boundaries.

Anonymous wrote:They aren’t toxic and overall good people that sacrificed their lives for their children’s future. But g-d if they aren’t annoying AF.

Respect them and treat them with dignity. Remember that your children will learn from you how to treat elderly parents. I suspect that they already find you super annoying.

Anonymous wrote:As we were when we were growing up. Now it’s our turn to show grace.

Outside truly extraordinary circumstances, this is the only response. It is obvious that many parents failed miserably and you are the result people.

I’m all for respecting our elders but I was abused and ignored by my parents. And now that they’re both gone, I’m at peace.

I’m also a physician who sees a lot of elderly patients. When the adult children are not involved, it isn’t a one sided story.
It’s not just that the adult children are selfish. It’s often that the parents were emotionally neglectful, or worse, abusive emotionally, if not physically and more. I don’t know what the answer is, but I wouldn’t blame the adult children only. You reap what you sow.

I will treat her how she treated me. She ignored me.

I wish more people thought of this. I'm a doctor with lots of elderly parents and I am shocked at how uninvolved most adult children are with their parents. It is difficult to age: appointments, insurance, finances, health care decisions, are more complicated now. Elderly are so often targeted for financial scams, it is awful. Please have the difficult conversation with your elderly parents about: health care and financial power of attorney, where they keep essential information (especially since they will invariably forget every password ever created), who their doctor is, what their expectations are for the future. They will resist this conversation, as most are in denial about the loss of independence, and they need a gentle push to just get over it (I would suggest a trust attorney to help navigate this if it's possible). They are definitely annoying, but so are most people in different ways. They don't want to stop driving, don't want to downsize to an apartment, don't want to move closer to you even though you need to stay where you are for your job, but maybe they should. They should know how to use an Uber app, order groceries online, put a freeze on their credit accounts, etc.

No idea. They're live in my home country, and I'm here trying to get a green card. I won't be able to leave the US for a while. I hope they don't get into trouble within that period.

It’s not easy. Raising three kids to adulthood was a piece of cake compared to dealing with my elderly parents.

As we were when we were growing up. Now it’s our turn to show grace.

They aren’t toxic and overall good people that sacrificed their lives for their children’s future. But g-d if they aren’t annoying AF.