It is very interesting how different the responses are here, as opposed to the previous post asking what parents can do to welcome adult children's spouse/partner into the family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First of all you have to figure out whether you want a family-like relationship with this person. It's so important to be careful and cautious that they aren't mooching, mistreating your parent, or bringing bad things like addiction or abuse into their lives. Also consider whether you want to be providing eldercare for this person, or whether you're already maxed out with your existing obligations.

So your answer to the original question is 'I don't.'?

Well yeah. I mean, just be cautious. You don't necessarily want to give the impression of considering them to be a relative, if that's not realistic. I've been very clear with my mom that I don't consider her partner to be my responsibility at all, since he has two adult sons, and it's important for her to know that as they make life plans. I think older adults want everyone to like their partner, of course, but they sometimes have an overly optimistic expectation for how much actual caregiving is reasonable to expect of adult stepchildren. It's better for everyone if it's clear.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First of all you have to figure out whether you want a family-like relationship with this person. It's so important to be careful and cautious that they aren't mooching, mistreating your parent, or bringing bad things like addiction or abuse into their lives. Also consider whether you want to be providing eldercare for this person, or whether you're already maxed out with your existing obligations.

So your answer to the original question is 'I don't.'?

With my mom's partner, no, I really don't. I would like her to be happy with someone who is good for her. She claims she is happy but she is not and this guy brings SO many problems, and they keep breaking up and getting back together, so I just disengage from the whole mess.

With my dad's wife, I am nice to her and spend time chatting. But I do have my limits, for example she would really prefer me never to mention either of my dad's prior marriages (they both live in the same town as she and my dad) and basically the entire decades of the 80s and 90s are off limits because they "make her feel left out". She doesn't really want to be married to a man with children, even adult children, she would rather pretend that her son is the only child and that there is no history. But when you're the third wife in a small town you don't really have that luxury.

As a teen I was a total B. They stuck around. Now they are all in their late 70s/early 80s and I am kind and respectful to them and their family. I appreciate the role they've played as my parent's partner and their happiness.

But I didn't feel it was my job to welcome them, that was my parent's job. Because I was the child in this circumstance. My answer does change in my 40s (now) vs when it all started (ages 19-23 roughly).

I am meeting my dad's girlfriend for the first time in a few weeks. They are both widowed. When inside jokes are made I will explain them to her. I'll let her know stuff that we all know and take for granted knowing in our family like that my niece likes to be asked before being hugged, while my nephew is very touchy-feely. Stuff like that.

Anonymous wrote:First of all you have to figure out whether you want a family-like relationship with this person. It's so important to be careful and cautious that they aren't mooching, mistreating your parent, or bringing bad things like addiction or abuse into their lives. Also consider whether you want to be providing eldercare for this person, or whether you're already maxed out with your existing obligations.

So your answer to the original question is 'I don't.'?

First of all you have to figure out whether you want a family-like relationship with this person. It's so important to be careful and cautious that they aren't mooching, mistreating your parent, or bringing bad things like addiction or abuse into their lives. Also consider whether you want to be providing eldercare for this person, or whether you're already maxed out with your existing obligations.

I make polite conversation as best I can

I assume that my mom’s boyfriend of about 2 yrs is part of her life. That means he is showing up for family events, etc unless she tells me otherwise. I also assume that he may be at her place when I stop by or bring her my 11 y.o. kid to watch.

I don’t. She doesn’t want that. In fact, she did everything she could to cause distance and strife between me and my dad. She wants her own children, herself, and my dad to be the family unit, and she’s largely accomplished that. My mom died when I was a teen.

But even though my case is extreme, other people I know who acquired stepparents that didn’t try to push them out still experienced the situation in which the new spouse really wasn’t that bothered about forging a relationship. It might be different if your parent married them when you were little, but if they came into your life as an adult, they probably don’t care much either way and just want a cordial relationship with you, not over the top attempts to make them fee “like family.”

To bridge off previous topic, which was what parents can do to make SOs feel welcome, this time I'd like to know what adult children do to make their parents partners feel welcome? (This of course assumes parents are divorced, widowed or single.)