I think there’s a lot of great advice in this thread. I also made friends with their family. We are very different, and I bit my tongue a lot. I think it helped my child’s partner feel accepted. Learn their history and traditions. It will mean a lot, for example, if you make partner’s favorite family recipe when they visit for the holidays. Do things that show them you respect that they are a couple and incorporate/recognize things that are important to partner.

I think early on you have to realize that many things will change, and maybe not in ways that would be your first choice. You decide to get on board or get left behind.

Don’t offer unasked for advice. Honor their choices in child rearing and respect their boundaries.

I adored my DC’s prior partner and it was easy! But DC chose someone else, someone I wouldn’t choose in a million years. It’s difficult to offer that love at first, but it gets easier. Loving the partner is a gift to your DC, both families, and yourself as well.

I give them chores and advice. Jk.

What a kind person you are to ask. I think yes, treating the SO as another adult and similarly to your own kid helps a ton. I laugh as to the list the PP wrote as my MIL has done none of it, instead she tried to exclude me when I was the GF and after marriage the whole relationship just fell apart, because I didn't let her be in charge, which she desperately wanted.

Anonymous wrote:They are equal to you. An equal adult. Start with that mindset and not thinking in terms of orchestrating anything.

This would be amazing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Things that my wonderful MIL have done for me, the DIL
- included me in family pictures at weddings
- given me family recipes
‐ invited me out to dinners if they were in town, even if my BF now DH wasn't available
Now that we're married with kids, MIL
- got an apartment near our house and helped take care of the babies for a year
- gave me family jewelry
- includes me in discussions about their estate planning
- lots of casual communication, texts, facetime
- cards for my birthday and our anniversary
- gives us lots of space, noncritical but always available to help

Your ILs sound wonderful. Curious, if you don’t mind me asking, how do they handle this? Should your spouse pre-decease you, would his share go to you directly or would it “skip” you and go directly to your children?

Np I’m included in my in-laws estate planning and am their executor. I’m not greedy nor am I interested in their money. Dh and his brothers split their parents estate equally, nothing to their spouses. If Dh predeceases them, our kids get the money that would have been dhs. I think I’m included because they know it will be their daughter in laws clearing out the house, executing the funerals and basically doing most of the work. I do all of the finances for my own family. Dh isn’t bad with money, he’s just a bit of an absent minded scientist.

They were putting spouses in the estate, but one brother got divorced. They aren’t concerned about the others divorcing, just that it created a bit of inequality in the will if spouses got money but one didn’t have a spouse.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Things that my wonderful MIL have done for me, the DIL
- included me in family pictures at weddings
- given me family recipes
‐ invited me out to dinners if they were in town, even if my BF now DH wasn't available
Now that we're married with kids, MIL
- got an apartment near our house and helped take care of the babies for a year
- gave me family jewelry
- includes me in discussions about their estate planning
- lots of casual communication, texts, facetime
- cards for my birthday and our anniversary
- gives us lots of space, noncritical but always available to help

Wow, they sound incredibly wealthy!

They're not. But they're retired state government employees who have been lucky with the markets and saved.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Things that my wonderful MIL have done for me, the DIL
- included me in family pictures at weddings
- given me family recipes
‐ invited me out to dinners if they were in town, even if my BF now DH wasn't available
Now that we're married with kids, MIL
- got an apartment near our house and helped take care of the babies for a year
- gave me family jewelry
- includes me in discussions about their estate planning
- lots of casual communication, texts, facetime
- cards for my birthday and our anniversary
- gives us lots of space, noncritical but always available to help

Your ILs sound wonderful. Curious, if you don’t mind me asking, how do they handle this? Should your spouse pre-decease you, would his share go to you directly or would it “skip” you and go directly to your children?

Goes directly to me because they know I will take care of our kids.

Treat them the same as your child. If your son gets a $100 birthday gift, so should wife.

And yes, treat them as equals but hopefully you treat your kids as equals too. I had one parent that still treated me like a child in my 20s and it strained our relationship.

Anonymous wrote:Things that my wonderful MIL have done for me, the DIL
- included me in family pictures at weddings
- given me family recipes
‐ invited me out to dinners if they were in town, even if my BF now DH wasn't available
Now that we're married with kids, MIL
- got an apartment near our house and helped take care of the babies for a year
- gave me family jewelry
- includes me in discussions about their estate planning
- lots of casual communication, texts, facetime
- cards for my birthday and our anniversary
- gives us lots of space, noncritical but always available to help

Wow, they sound incredibly wealthy!

Anonymous wrote:Things that my wonderful MIL have done for me, the DIL
- included me in family pictures at weddings
- given me family recipes
‐ invited me out to dinners if they were in town, even if my BF now DH wasn't available
Now that we're married with kids, MIL
- got an apartment near our house and helped take care of the babies for a year
- gave me family jewelry
- includes me in discussions about their estate planning
- lots of casual communication, texts, facetime
- cards for my birthday and our anniversary
- gives us lots of space, noncritical but always available to help

Your ILs sound wonderful. Curious, if you don’t mind me asking, how do they handle this? Should your spouse pre-decease you, would his share go to you directly or would it “skip” you and go directly to your children?

We treat our three children’s spouses like members of the family. We don’t do anything special.

They are equal to you. An equal adult. Start with that mindset and not thinking in terms of orchestrating anything.

We treated our sil no different than we treated our daughters. We we're there emotionally, financially, and physically if he ever needed help, sometimes without even asking because we offered. He didn't have the best family life growing up, so we were able to show him what an intact close-knit family is, which in return has helped him do the same with our daughter and grandson's.

Things that my wonderful MIL have done for me, the DIL
- included me in family pictures at weddings
- given me family recipes
‐ invited me out to dinners if they were in town, even if my BF now DH wasn't available
Now that we're married with kids, MIL
- got an apartment near our house and helped take care of the babies for a year
- gave me family jewelry
- includes me in discussions about their estate planning
- lots of casual communication, texts, facetime
- cards for my birthday and our anniversary
- gives us lots of space, noncritical but always available to help

When your adult children have significant others they want to become their life partners, how do you make them feel welcome, accepted and appreciated?