Anonymous wrote:Op here. I don’t not want to be with my DH. It’s just that I love us as a family unit. We genuinely enjoy each other. And filling that time with secondary projects and busy work doesn’t fill that time or desire.

Additionally it’s not just the “empty nest” it’s the feeling of having no worth and no meaningful goals as I age. All those things I wanted, I have. It’s behind me now. And realizing if I start something I could
Be dead before I finish it.

We have pets. And they are important to us. But now I’m thinking “I’ll never be able to have a kitten again, bc it may outlive me.” (Ftr, I enjoy adults animals and even seniors too).
It all Just seems so. . . Meaningless. Lonely.

I know exactly how you feel. I’m 60 and my husband died 4 years ago and I am so lonely. I too think about all the decisions I will never make again. Not much to look forward to. Travel is not fun without my amazing husband. My parents are both gone too. I do have my kids and grandkids close, so that helps. I sooo know how you feel. Hugs!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP — ask for this to be moved to the menopause forum. You’ll get tons of input. Much will be good.

Yall are making menopause sound horrible I’m scared

I'm in no way invalidating what other women are feeling, but I can't relate. My children are a great joy and I love them dearly, but I always had a full life outside them too. On top of my day job I spend a ton of time traveling with friends, running half marathons, caring for my community via church and volunteer orgs, working on projects I feel are worthwhile and a good use of my talents. I have always been a "builder" who finds it very satisfying to build stuff be it a community, a family, a career, athletic ability, a side project, whatever. And since I've been amicably divorced since my kids were in elementary school, I have the free time and free will to do all these things.

Op. I have a life outside family and always have. Once out of HS I was basically on my own and Built my life myself. Now that I’ve had “family life” as adult and in a more positive way than I did as a kid, I treasure it. This is what makes me most happy. Not work. Not exercising. Not crafts or hobbies. All of which I do. But it’s not my joy.

And again, it’s not just the “empty nest.”

As for menopause, I can only speak to myself and some of my friends, for whom it has been universally horrible. Truly truly horrible. But my mother, for example, said she experienced nothing like I am. So who knows what it will be for each person.

Why not adopt more kids or become a foster mom?

Anonymous wrote:OP — ask for this to be moved to the menopause forum. You’ll get tons of input. Much will be good.

This is why I feel like we need a more general midlife forum since post like this are more than just menopause.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP — ask for this to be moved to the menopause forum. You’ll get tons of input. Much will be good.

Yall are making menopause sound horrible I’m scared

I'm in no way invalidating what other women are feeling, but I can't relate. My children are a great joy and I love them dearly, but I always had a full life outside them too. On top of my day job I spend a ton of time traveling with friends, running half marathons, caring for my community via church and volunteer orgs, working on projects I feel are worthwhile and a good use of my talents. I have always been a "builder" who finds it very satisfying to build stuff be it a community, a family, a career, athletic ability, a side project, whatever. And since I've been amicably divorced since my kids were in elementary school, I have the free time and free will to do all these things.

Op. I have a life outside family and always have. Once out of HS I was basically on my own and Built my life myself. Now that I’ve had “family life” as adult and in a more positive way than I did as a kid, I treasure it. This is what makes me most happy. Not work. Not exercising. Not crafts or hobbies. All of which I do. But it’s not my joy.

And again, it’s not just the “empty nest.”

As for menopause, I can only speak to myself and some of my friends, for whom it has been universally horrible. Truly truly horrible. But my mother, for example, said she experienced nothing like I am. So who knows what it will be for each person.

Find a way to help young people.

My grandmother's life was transformed in her teens when she became a foster child to an always childless couple.

You have a lack of connection to community. In simpler times, you'd remain a valued part of your community as an elder. But we are isolated by our affluence. Few that we meet daily need our help because they can pay for everything they need.

You don't need to be a foster parent. You could be any kind of volunteer. But you need to add value creation and connection to your life. To find a new purpose.

If you have grandkids someday and get along with their parents, you could consider formal childcare responsibilities. I know some very affluent people who are primary childcare providers for their children, including granddads.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP — ask for this to be moved to the menopause forum. You’ll get tons of input. Much will be good.

Yall are making menopause sound horrible I’m scared

I'm in no way invalidating what other women are feeling, but I can't relate. My children are a great joy and I love them dearly, but I always had a full life outside them too. On top of my day job I spend a ton of time traveling with friends, running half marathons, caring for my community via church and volunteer orgs, working on projects I feel are worthwhile and a good use of my talents. I have always been a "builder" who finds it very satisfying to build stuff be it a community, a family, a career, athletic ability, a side project, whatever. And since I've been amicably divorced since my kids were in elementary school, I have the free time and free will to do all these things.

Anonymous wrote:OP — ask for this to be moved to the menopause forum. You’ll get tons of input. Much will be good.

I'm a man and I totally understand everything she is feeling... I guess I'm experiencing menopause, too, lol.

Anonymous wrote:OP — ask for this to be moved to the menopause forum. You’ll get tons of input. Much will be good.

Yall are making menopause sound horrible I’m scared

Op here. I don’t not want to be with my DH. It’s just that I love us as a family unit. We genuinely enjoy each other. And filling that time with secondary projects and busy work doesn’t fill that time or desire.

Additionally it’s not just the “empty nest” it’s the feeling of having no worth and no meaningful goals as I age. All those things I wanted, I have. It’s behind me now. And realizing if I start something I could
Be dead before I finish it.

We have pets. And they are important to us. But now I’m thinking “I’ll never be able to have a kitten again, bc it may outlive me.” (Ftr, I enjoy adults animals and even seniors too).
It all Just seems so. . . Meaningless. Lonely.

Get a puppy and start going outdoors more.

Back when you were exhausted raising young kids, who did you used to fantasize about being able to do if you were free and unencumbered? Writing a novel? Going for a long walk in the woods? My husband and I are at a similar stage as we contemplate retirement and we are seriously thinking about making a major change -- moving somewhere else, etc. I am thinking about doing some volunteer work and getting involved in the arts community, maybe volunteering at the art museum. I used to fantasize about being able to finish an art or craft project without being interrupted, and I plan to start that novel as well. House projects. Make a list. You're supposed to list 100 things you would like to do. I am interested in visiting all of the state parks in Virginia.

Anonymous wrote:Wait for the drugs to work. You are in deep depression looking at your "lost job" that hasn't even happened yet.
Death is everywhere. Wait until you are 70 and people younger than you are dropping.

When you are able to, take the attitude that YOU matter.
YOU are not just a kid grower, job drone, housecleaning.
If you don't enjoy time alone with your spouse, why? Or is all you do talk about kids and jobs?

There is more.
I am prone to cycles of depression. I walked out of my last job 16 years ago. The cats died. We never had kids.
Most days are meaningful. I see beauty even in a bird sitting on the curb. Some days I think about just quitting. But it passes.

Find something to do besides your job that matters to someone outside your house. Pick up litter on a walk,

I feel like the OP, but what you’re posting isn’t helpful. Looking for beauty in a bird in order to fill my life, fills me dread. This is really lonely and empty to me. This just made it worse.

Wait for the drugs to work. You are in deep depression looking at your "lost job" that hasn't even happened yet.
Death is everywhere. Wait until you are 70 and people younger than you are dropping.

When you are able to, take the attitude that YOU matter.
YOU are not just a kid grower, job drone, housecleaning.
If you don't enjoy time alone with your spouse, why? Or is all you do talk about kids and jobs?

There is more.
I am prone to cycles of depression. I walked out of my last job 16 years ago. The cats died. We never had kids.
Most days are meaningful. I see beauty even in a bird sitting on the curb. Some days I think about just quitting. But it passes.

Find something to do besides your job that matters to someone outside your house. Pick up litter on a walk,

OP — ask for this to be moved to the menopause forum. You’ll get tons of input. Much will be good.

I'm in my 50's (and recently on an SSRI due to some of this and some other things). I cannot get over this feeling that "life is over." My child is headed to college. I'm going to be retired in the next 10 years (which I don't love so that is not the issue). I'll have this empty house with me and my spouse.

I went through life full of what lies ahead, goals, ambition, etc. And now it's all behind me: job, school, kids, marriage. Maybe I only have 25-30 years left. What's the point when you have nothing to look forward to and you long for the "glory days" of young kids, lots of activity in the house, etc. OF COURSE I want my kids to fly and have their life. But I love them so much and will miss seeing them on the daily (I don't guilt them with that as I want them to make their decisions on their own and regardless of my feelings).

Also, all the little nagging health things are starting. And people my age are dropping dead, getting cancer, etc. All of my big extended family in my hometown -you know the aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. that you think will live forever as a kid- they are all dying. And many of them had their last years pretty lonely (even surrounded by family and things familar to them). What is my end of life going to look like?

I feel anxious. I feel sad. I feel like death is everywhere.

How do you get out of this funk? Feel like you have a purpose again?