Your mother being sued needs to NOT be the focus here. Getting your father the help he needs is what should be the focus.

Contact local elder care social services.

We had to do this with my grandparents: got a social worker involved who then roped in the GP and put wheels in motion for my grandfather to receive specialized care in a skilled nursing unit.

My grandmother insisted she could adequately care for my ailing grandfather diagnosed with Alzheimer’s after a prolonged recuperation from emergency abdominal surgery.

It took a social worker to notify my grandfather’s surgeon that delayed recovery was from inadequate follow up care.

I would not argue over semantics.

My dad was also in denial. He would make excuses, wouldn't tell us things etc. It was infuriating and I was so worried all the time, but I know that it was a horrible time for him too. This is a terrible disease and both your parents are struggling right now. I understand that you want to help as best you can but honestly in a situation like this, you may have to let it hit rock bottom, because I assure you, it will hit rock bottom. Your mom is an adult, unless you think she has cognitive decline as well, meet her where she is. There were years of mini fires and big fires before shit hit the fan and my mom was put into nursing home care. I wish I could sugar coat it, but this is a long, terrible road.

Both my parents are passed now. I have some big regrets when it comes to my mom and her care but I'm also not sure what I could have done differently because we were all just doing our best with the crap hand we were dealt. I'm sorry, OP.

So at very least the wealth management team and the lawyers need to hook up to put the wealth into a trust that cannot be plundered by civil lawsuits.

Beyond that I think an anonymous report to adult protective services might be the ticket to compelling your mother to get paid care into the home to prevent him eloping and hurting himself or others, including your mother.

Is he driving? Deactivate the cars.

Sadly you may have to wait and backoff until she wants to do something about the situation.

Do they have an umbrella liability insurance policy.

Big picture you need to back way off unless Mom wants your involvement.

It is legal to have untreated mental illnesss.

Nothing will happen. This is normal. Someone stole a lot of money and all the stuff my MIL had while taking government money to care for her. I filed complaint after complaint, but nothing happened. When we got her to a nursing home, there were clear signs of abuse with nasty unexplained bruises, nothing happened.

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. Thanks for your responses.

Just to give a little more background, our mom refuses to believe it's Alzheimer's vs. dementia. Maybe there is little to no difference practically, but she thinks he has "mild cognitive impairment" despite him having participated in an Alzheimer's clinical trial where the paperwork said "you have been enrolled in this clinical trial for an Alzheimer's drug because you have been diagnosed with Alzheimer's."

He has been involuntarily hospitalized after expressing suicidal thoughts, is constantly falling down stairs (fell last week and broke his tailbone) and tripping, and is raging at her (F you, this is all your fault, you want all my money, etc.). Yet, she claims he is a totally unique person that no one with any training in memory care issues will be able to handle, so that's her excuse for why she won't seek some in-home help. Meanwhile, her blood pressure is sky high and she is one moment away from a breakdown herself.

[b]The good news is that they have plenty of money and a wealth management company to handle it. At this point, it's more about her not wanting to outsource anything to the point of it taking her down[/b].[/quote]

Fascinating how your post is concerned with whether or not she can be sued (and the money wiped out!) as opposed to the welfare of your father.[/quote].

OP here. I'm sorry if I gave the impression that I'm more concerned about their money than I am about my father. Of course we are desperately concerned for our father, but the reality is that our mother is the gatekeeper and his spouse, so she is the one in charge of his welfare at this point. We are trying to motivate her by all means possible to care for herself so that he can receive adequate care himself via her decisions and she needs to know that all my dad's hard financial work over the years could be wiped out if something were to happen. I don't know how else to get through to her. She's determined to have him age in place but she can't do it alone, even if she thinks she can.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for your responses.

Just to give a little more background, our mom refuses to believe it's Alzheimer's vs. dementia. Maybe there is little to no difference practically, but she thinks he has "mild cognitive impairment" despite him having participated in an Alzheimer's clinical trial where the paperwork said "you have been enrolled in this clinical trial for an Alzheimer's drug because you have been diagnosed with Alzheimer's."

He has been involuntarily hospitalized after expressing suicidal thoughts, is constantly falling down stairs (fell last week and broke his tailbone) and tripping, and is raging at her (F you, this is all your fault, you want all my money, etc.). Yet, she claims he is a totally unique person that no one with any training in memory care issues will be able to handle, so that's her excuse for why she won't seek some in-home help. Meanwhile, her blood pressure is sky high and she is one moment away from a breakdown herself.

The good news is that they have plenty of money and a wealth management company to handle it. At this point, it's more about her not wanting to outsource anything to the point of it taking her down.

Fascinating how your post is concerned with whether or not she can be sued (and the money wiped out!) as opposed to the welfare of your father.

Not worth fighting over terminology.

I would get a consult with a local geriatric care manager. and the next time he is hospitalized, tell the staff he cannot live safely at home.

I wouldn’t waste energy getting her to say the A-word. Let her call it what she wants.

We don’t prosecute people for what their spouses do. Civil liability would impact both bc presumably their money is locked so if he has to pay a judgment, she would be impacted.

But honestly tell your mom whatever you need to hear - anything to force her to save herself.

Sounds like she has some cognitive impairment

OP here. Thanks for your responses.

Just to give a little more background, our mom refuses to believe it's Alzheimer's vs. dementia. Maybe there is little to no difference practically, but she thinks he has "mild cognitive impairment" despite him having participated in an Alzheimer's clinical trial where the paperwork said "you have been enrolled in this clinical trial for an Alzheimer's drug because you have been diagnosed with Alzheimer's."

He has been involuntarily hospitalized after expressing suicidal thoughts, is constantly falling down stairs (fell last week and broke his tailbone) and tripping, and is raging at her (F you, this is all your fault, you want all my money, etc.). Yet, she claims he is a totally unique person that no one with any training in memory care issues will be able to handle, so that's her excuse for why she won't seek some in-home help. Meanwhile, her blood pressure is sky high and she is one moment away from a breakdown herself.

The good news is that they have plenty of money and a wealth management company to handle it. At this point, it's more about her not wanting to outsource anything to the point of it taking her down.

It is state dependent. Given the many issues she will be facing, she should do a consult with an attorney specializing in Elder Law. The initial consult shouldn’t cost too much, and she can get a basic outline / quotes as to what needs to be done (will, POA, Medicaid trust etc.).

Not sure about the lawsuit, but she can definitely have an adult abuse case opened up against her. Unfortunately I see these filed all the time at work with cases of neglect. Not saying what your mom is going through rises to that, but it could go down that path at some point.

On a personal level, this is a really hard transition. It sounds like she's in the stages of not being ready to accept that this is her life. It's common and really difficult. I can remember when my dad got to the point where he couldn't be left alone and my mom really struggled with coming to terms with the fact that this was her life.

Can you and your siblings take some time off and go to SC and get involved? Get your dad to a doctor's appt and sit in on it with your mom. Help prepare financials for when it's no longer safe for him to live at home. Find your mom some local or online support groups.

It's a very long story but the basic gist is that my mother is in denial about my father having Alzheimer's. He is definitely declining and is now putting his undershirts on like underwear because he's confused and also running out of the house in anger.

If something were to happen to him when he leaves the house or if he were to somehow cause an accident involving other people, could my mother be sued or held civilly or criminal responsible for his actions? Is this state-dependent? They are in SC.

Obviously may nothing ever happen, but I'm hoping that the possibility of a lawsuit or prosecution will scare her enough into getting more help, as she is drowning yet refuses to listen to her children.