Anonymous
Post 07/22/2024 14:45     Subject: Supporting parents/in-laws financially in old age
I supported my parents for about 25 years. Couple hundred thousand to bail them out of debt in the early 2000s, had them put me on the title to the farm in return as co-owner. 10 years of straight up mortgage payments, and then 2 years of memory care. Fortunately, the proceeds from the farm + their social security almost covered the memory care. It could have been a lot worse.
Anonymous
Post 07/22/2024 12:20     Subject: Supporting parents/in-laws financially in old age
My FIL earmarked $250k for “long term care” about 5 years ago, age 70.

He asked if we wanted or needed anything before he locked this cash away in some sort of bank account. We declined.

Now MIL got a dementia diagnosis and there’s no plan in place, other than the saved money. They are still in their large 4 BR, multi-level home, packed quite literally to the rafters, 4 cars and a little-used vacation condo 300 miles away.

I’m not swooping in to help someone who refuses to help himself and fails to plan.
Anonymous
Post 07/22/2024 12:05     Subject: Supporting parents/in-laws financially in old age
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My parents have enough for one year of memory care for my dad before they hit the savings limit for medicaid. And then I will have to choose between my kids' college fund or my dad's memory care. And then if my mom needs extensive care too, that will also be on me.

My goal in life is to not pass this burden to my children. Either I have enough to pay for any and all levels of care or I die first.


I’m confused. What do you mean by hitting the Medicaid savings limit?


I don't know what the official term is, but medicaid only kicks in for people with $X money in savings or below. I think for the surviving spouse, you have to spend down to around $150k before medicaid will cover the sick spouse in a care facility. House and car are not included in the $150k, which is to prevent the surviving spouse from losing their home and living in poverty.

My parents have about $300k in savings, and my dad will likely need memory care very soon. He is in good physical health otherwise, so it's not impossible that he will need more than a year of memory care at $12k a month. It's difficult to find a spot for medicaid covered memory care, and then when you do, it's often not in a decent quality facility. And then you have to make the choice do you leave your parent in a facility you know is not giving them adequate care, or do you pay for a better place with your own money.


Okay, I see what you are saying. I'm pretty versed in Medicaid, so it sounded like you were saying the inverse.

Yes, agree on the quality of place. Fortunately, my parents lived in a small enough city where the best memory care was in a quality nonprofit care home. And they took Medicaid after we exhausted private pay. It was a far better set up for my mom, who really needed more socialization than she was able to experience living at home. Unfortunately there are not enough of these options for the numbers of seniors who need them.

GL with your parents - hoping for the best for them and for you.
Anonymous
Post 07/22/2024 10:13     Subject: Re:Supporting parents/in-laws financially in old age
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This is frightening me. My mom is 89 and just got a great bill of health. My husband and I are 62. I feel horrible about feeling resentful that she is living this long and that we will have to take care of her.

She has a small pension and SS but it will not cover a nursing home when she will need it. I just found out she has been donating all her money to Korean religious (legal)organization. I just screamed at her about this, yes, give something but not all. Just to be buried is $8k- $10k. We still have kids in college that we are supporting and would like to move to a warmer state at one point.

My sibling doesn’t seem to care about her. And leaves everything to me. I can’t even look at her right now, I feel trapped. She’ll probably live to 100. All my relatives overseas live long…. I love her, but-
Damn, that seems harsh, no? I know it's infuriating, but these scammers target the elderly for a reason; they play on their vulnerability and lack of understanding of modern technologies.


DP - I don't scream at my parents, but I do raise my voice about certain things (like when my dad let a remote scammer take control of his computer and start installing things). My parents are emotional people. Not terribly logical or critical. Me getting really agitated and loud is more impactful than me calmly listing the ways scammers try to trick them. Now my parents send me screenshots of texts and emails that they're unsure about. It means a lot of extra noise for me, but it's better than them just clicking on things. Calmly asking them to be more critical of what they're clicking on (as I had done 100 times before) did not have as much of an impact.

People make it sound easy to say "sorry mom, I'm not going to let you live in poverty because you made bad decisions," but the reality is much much harder whether or not it is deserved.
Anonymous
Post 07/22/2024 09:46     Subject: Re:Supporting parents/in-laws financially in old age
Hell no.

My ILs and parents both have plenty of income though so if they didn’t qualify for social security or have retirement savings I’m not sure what I would do.
Anonymous
Post 07/22/2024 00:14     Subject: Supporting parents/in-laws financially in old age
Thank god I don't have to, because I wouldn't be able to. I can barely support myself and as it is, will work until the day I drop dead.
Anonymous
Post 07/22/2024 00:10     Subject: Supporting parents/in-laws financially in old age
I think the best you can do is get a parent to share what their financial picture looks like including any LTC insurance etc. Then consider what options might be to have them cover their health expenses.

If they are financially set, then paying for a consultation with an Eldercare Lawyer to see what protections might be possible for their funds. If funds are limited, then perhaps g
learn about subsidized senior housing and get them in the waiting list. Also find out what services in your area will have Medicaid beds
So if you go in as private pay for a couple of years you might be able to move into Medicaid
Bed in future.

I think if your parents will not cooperate in future planning, then you have to clearly let them know what you will and will not be able to do. I would place your children’s future first.
Anonymous
Post 07/21/2024 23:48     Subject: Supporting parents/in-laws financially in old age
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My parents have enough for one year of memory care for my dad before they hit the savings limit for medicaid. And then I will have to choose between my kids' college fund or my dad's memory care. And then if my mom needs extensive care too, that will also be on me.

My goal in life is to not pass this burden to my children. Either I have enough to pay for any and all levels of care or I die first.


I’m confused. What do you mean by hitting the Medicaid savings limit?


I don't know what the official term is, but medicaid only kicks in for people with $X money in savings or below. I think for the surviving spouse, you have to spend down to around $150k before medicaid will cover the sick spouse in a care facility. House and car are not included in the $150k, which is to prevent the surviving spouse from losing their home and living in poverty.

My parents have about $300k in savings, and my dad will likely need memory care very soon. He is in good physical health otherwise, so it's not impossible that he will need more than a year of memory care at $12k a month. It's difficult to find a spot for medicaid covered memory care, and then when you do, it's often not in a decent quality facility. And then you have to make the choice do you leave your parent in a facility you know is not giving them adequate care, or do you pay for a better place with your own money.
Anonymous
Post 07/21/2024 23:26     Subject: Supporting parents/in-laws financially in old age
Anonymous wrote:My parents have enough for one year of memory care for my dad before they hit the savings limit for medicaid. And then I will have to choose between my kids' college fund or my dad's memory care. And then if my mom needs extensive care too, that will also be on me.

My goal in life is to not pass this burden to my children. Either I have enough to pay for any and all levels of care or I die first.


I’m confused. What do you mean by hitting the Medicaid savings limit?
Anonymous
Post 07/21/2024 20:37     Subject: Re:Supporting parents/in-laws financially in old age
Anonymous wrote:This is frightening me. My mom is 89 and just got a great bill of health. My husband and I are 62. I feel horrible about feeling resentful that she is living this long and that we will have to take care of her.

She has a small pension and SS but it will not cover a nursing home when she will need it. I just found out she has been donating all her money to Korean religious (legal)organization. I just screamed at her about this, yes, give something but not all. Just to be buried is $8k- $10k. We still have kids in college that we are supporting and would like to move to a warmer state at one point.

My sibling doesn’t seem to care about her. And leaves everything to me. I can’t even look at her right now, I feel trapped. She’ll probably live to 100. All my relatives overseas live long…. I love her, but-
Damn, that seems harsh, no? I know it's infuriating, but these scammers target the elderly for a reason; they play on their vulnerability and lack of understanding of modern technologies.
Anonymous
Post 07/21/2024 20:29     Subject: Supporting parents/in-laws financially in old age
I paid my own way and they kept their money for themselves. Now they can pay their own way.
Anonymous
Post 07/21/2024 20:28     Subject: Supporting parents/in-laws financially in old age
My parents have enough for one year of memory care for my dad before they hit the savings limit for medicaid. And then I will have to choose between my kids' college fund or my dad's memory care. And then if my mom needs extensive care too, that will also be on me.

My goal in life is to not pass this burden to my children. Either I have enough to pay for any and all levels of care or I die first.
Anonymous
Post 07/21/2024 12:20     Subject: Re:Supporting parents/in-laws financially in old age
This is frightening me. My mom is 89 and just got a great bill of health. My husband and I are 62. I feel horrible about feeling resentful that she is living this long and that we will have to take care of her.

She has a small pension and SS but it will not cover a nursing home when she will need it. I just found out she has been donating all her money to Korean religious (legal)organization. I just screamed at her about this, yes, give something but not all. Just to be buried is $8k- $10k. We still have kids in college that we are supporting and would like to move to a warmer state at one point.

My sibling doesn’t seem to care about her. And leaves everything to me. I can’t even look at her right now, I feel trapped. She’ll probably live to 100. All my relatives overseas live long…. I love her, but-
Anonymous
Post 07/08/2024 13:17     Subject: Supporting parents/in-laws financially in old age
I couldn’t afford to. My mom’s memory care is $10,500 right now but will probably increase to around $14,000 at her quarterly review due to increasing assistance needs. There’s no way I’d be able to pay for that. Thankfully she has her own means but it’s definitely putting a dent in her assets. I’m so lucky that my worst case scenario is no inheritance, compared to going broke trying to make sure her needs are met. Getting old is incredibly expensive.
Anonymous
Post 07/08/2024 11:56     Subject: Supporting parents/in-laws financially in old age
Do a lot here do this? Curious because of a post in the money forum, especially for people here who are doing okay financially but are NOT wealthy.