Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd be clear that THIS was what your DD wanted - to go away on a trip for her birthday. So that's what we are doing this year. Grandparents aren't going, that's fine - they can figure out how/when to give her a bday gift.

You don't need a party to get a gift - my aunts/uncles and grandparents mailed us checks (or bought bonds for us) every year for our bdays when we were little. Birthdays happen whether you have a party or not.

I get that they wanted you to host a party where they would come to your house, but that's not what's happening because the birthday child wanted to do something else.

I get that daughter wanted a trip and chose that. But would she really object to a family party too? Family traditions are wonderful, especially when they celebrate a family member, and this sounds like you can do both if you wanted.

My kids often choose trips over gifts and parties. But we also have cake at home around the birthday. We don’t have family that wants to celebrate with us. If we did, we’d invite them - we’re older parents and grandparents have passed.

I’m not saying you should have the party. Just saying that if daughter isn’t anti party and you feel like having family over to celebrate, it’s a nice tradition that you would be continuing.

the problem is that it's not been revealed what this is really all about—the grandparents wants, not the kids wants. So if they're a bright young kid, they've picked up on this and probably want nothing to do with it.

Anonymous wrote:I'd be clear that THIS was what your DD wanted - to go away on a trip for her birthday. So that's what we are doing this year. Grandparents aren't going, that's fine - they can figure out how/when to give her a bday gift.

You don't need a party to get a gift - my aunts/uncles and grandparents mailed us checks (or bought bonds for us) every year for our bdays when we were little. Birthdays happen whether you have a party or not.

I get that they wanted you to host a party where they would come to your house, but that's not what's happening because the birthday child wanted to do something else.

I get that daughter wanted a trip and chose that. But would she really object to a family party too? Family traditions are wonderful, especially when they celebrate a family member, and this sounds like you can do both if you wanted.

My kids often choose trips over gifts and parties. But we also have cake at home around the birthday. We don’t have family that wants to celebrate with us. If we did, we’d invite them - we’re older parents and grandparents have passed.

I’m not saying you should have the party. Just saying that if daughter isn’t anti party and you feel like having family over to celebrate, it’s a nice tradition that you would be continuing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they’re retired and a wee bit bored, they really, really, really want a party so they can take photos and show off to their friends at bridge club. My parents are like this, too. It’s 100x worse when there are only 1 or 2 grandchildren, then every birthday every year requires a proper cake with balloons and a visit from the Queen resurrected and grandparents sitting there reveling in it all as fighter jets fly overhead, even if the kid is in middle school and it’s all, so, lame. And you have an explain to the child why they’re boomers do it’s not necessarily for you. 🙄

better to teach the kid that you shouldn't let manipulative selfish people use your kids birthday parties to amuse their bridge partners. Get on the phone, tell them in no uncertain terms to go eff themselves and have the kids see you stand up for them. Who cares if they're boomers? They're the worst generation.

My boomer mother just books trips to visit us for the kids birthdays without even asking. She absolutely must be present. Never mind we’re traveling, she will be here when we get back. My sense is it’s not going to last much longer. No one can keep doing this into their late 70s and beyond. My in-laws on the other hand, will give the kids presents when they see them in a week or two, s’all good….

Jesus.

You'd get a restraining order if anyone else did that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they’re retired and a wee bit bored, they really, really, really want a party so they can take photos and show off to their friends at bridge club. My parents are like this, too. It’s 100x worse when there are only 1 or 2 grandchildren, then every birthday every year requires a proper cake with balloons and a visit from the Queen resurrected and grandparents sitting there reveling in it all as fighter jets fly overhead, even if the kid is in middle school and it’s all, so, lame. And you have an explain to the child why they’re boomers do it’s not necessarily for you. 🙄

better to teach the kid that you shouldn't let manipulative selfish people use your kids birthday parties to amuse their bridge partners. Get on the phone, tell them in no uncertain terms to go eff themselves and have the kids see you stand up for them. Who cares if they're boomers? They're the worst generation.

My boomer mother just books trips to visit us for the kids birthdays without even asking. She absolutely must be present. Never mind we’re traveling, she will be here when we get back. My sense is it’s not going to last much longer. No one can keep doing this into their late 70s and beyond. My in-laws on the other hand, will give the kids presents when they see them in a week or two, s’all good….

Anonymous wrote:If they’re retired and a wee bit bored, they really, really, really want a party so they can take photos and show off to their friends at bridge club. My parents are like this, too. It’s 100x worse when there are only 1 or 2 grandchildren, then every birthday every year requires a proper cake with balloons and a visit from the Queen resurrected and grandparents sitting there reveling in it all as fighter jets fly overhead, even if the kid is in middle school and it’s all, so, lame. And you have an explain to the child why they’re boomers do it’s not necessarily for you. 🙄

better to teach the kid that you shouldn't let manipulative selfish people use your kids birthday parties to amuse their bridge partners. Get on the phone, tell them in no uncertain terms to go eff themselves and have the kids see you stand up for them. Who cares if they're boomers? They're the worst generation.

If they’re retired and a wee bit bored, they really, really, really want a party so they can take photos and show off to their friends at bridge club. My parents are like this, too. It’s 100x worse when there are only 1 or 2 grandchildren, then every birthday every year requires a proper cake with balloons and a visit from the Queen resurrected and grandparents sitting there reveling in it all as fighter jets fly overhead, even if the kid is in middle school and it’s all, so, lame. And you have an explain to the child why they’re boomers do it’s not necessarily for you. 🙄

Tell the grands your daughter CHOSE what she wanted to do for her birthday. Repeat.

Anonymous wrote:I'd be clear that THIS was what your DD wanted - to go away on a trip for her birthday. So that's what we are doing this year. Grandparents aren't going, that's fine - they can figure out how/when to give her a bday gift.

You don't need a party to get a gift - my aunts/uncles and grandparents mailed us checks (or bought bonds for us) every year for our bdays when we were little. Birthdays happen whether you have a party or not.

I get that they wanted you to host a party where they would come to your house, but that's not what's happening because the birthday child wanted to do something else.

+1, it's not grandma's bday

I'd be clear that THIS was what your DD wanted - to go away on a trip for her birthday. So that's what we are doing this year. Grandparents aren't going, that's fine - they can figure out how/when to give her a bday gift.

You don't need a party to get a gift - my aunts/uncles and grandparents mailed us checks (or bought bonds for us) every year for our bdays when we were little. Birthdays happen whether you have a party or not.

I get that they wanted you to host a party where they would come to your house, but that's not what's happening because the birthday child wanted to do something else.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Growing up I had local grandparents and far away grandparents. Far away set sent a card with money and called me on the phone.

Local grandparents had 6 kids and 10 grandkids plus a lot of family friends, neighbors, and farm hands that all were treated like family. At the local grandparents, dinner was served every Sunday at 6pm. On the first Sunday of the month, my Grandma made a sheet cake and we sang happy birthday to whoever was there that had a BD that month. I don’t remember ever getting a card or gift from that side of the family - just cake and the joy of being celebrated.
My grandma did have a “signature dessert” for each of her children and their spouse. On their month we would have sheet cake + however many signature desserts were needed for the months’ celebrants. My dad always got banana cake with chocolate frosting.

That was then, this is now.

If DD wants to go to NYC, what kind of creep would be angry at her for doing that? It's her birthday, not the grandparents' birthday!

Also, notably, it sounds like your grandmother had a once a month party, and didn't require the presence of the person celebrating their birthday on the actual day of their birth.

Anonymous wrote:Growing up I had local grandparents and far away grandparents. Far away set sent a card with money and called me on the phone.

Local grandparents had 6 kids and 10 grandkids plus a lot of family friends, neighbors, and farm hands that all were treated like family. At the local grandparents, dinner was served every Sunday at 6pm. On the first Sunday of the month, my Grandma made a sheet cake and we sang happy birthday to whoever was there that had a BD that month. I don’t remember ever getting a card or gift from that side of the family - just cake and the joy of being celebrated.
My grandma did have a “signature dessert” for each of her children and their spouse. On their month we would have sheet cake + however many signature desserts were needed for the months’ celebrants. My dad always got banana cake with chocolate frosting.

That was then, this is now.

If DD wants to go to NYC, what kind of creep would be angry at her for doing that? It's her birthday, not the grandparents' birthday!

Yes. We do a party for friends, and a party for family. In some cases, for the family party we combine two relatives birthdays, or a birthday and an anniversary, etc.

Growing up I had local grandparents and far away grandparents. Far away set sent a card with money and called me on the phone.

Local grandparents had 6 kids and 10 grandkids plus a lot of family friends, neighbors, and farm hands that all were treated like family. At the local grandparents, dinner was served every Sunday at 6pm. On the first Sunday of the month, my Grandma made a sheet cake and we sang happy birthday to whoever was there that had a BD that month. I don’t remember ever getting a card or gift from that side of the family - just cake and the joy of being celebrated.
My grandma did have a “signature dessert” for each of her children and their spouse. On their month we would have sheet cake + however many signature desserts were needed for the months’ celebrants. My dad always got banana cake with chocolate frosting.

No. Don't bend to those manipulators. Tell them to send a check and mind their own business.

For her birthday this year DD chose several days in NYC instead of a party. We're going over her actual birthday (this Th-S) and will celebrate there. Both sets of grandparents are pretty upset about this (one local, one is like 4 hours away). They keep saying we aren't celebrating DD. We just spent the weekend with the 4 hour away grandparents and I sort of expected them to give DD her presents in person, but they didn't and didn't mention it. They keep asking when they can come up and celebrate her birthday, but the thing is- we aren't? Presents, cake and celebrating will be on her actual birthday up there. We invited both sets to come to NYC with us, but they declined. Local grandparents will be taking DD for a day the next week and having her spend the night to celebrate.

DH says that growing up he always had a family birthday party with cake, ice cream and relatives in addition to his friend party. I never lived near relatives and my grandparents would mail my gifts and call me instead. I had a friend party on the weekend.

Does anyone else do an extra party for extended family?