Anonymous wrote:I've posted before about stubborn parents cross-country and all the hell it has brought me. I tried and tried to get them to move back where family was, and they chose to stay and financially support a sibling, who lived there rent-free for decades. Dad passed, leaving a crisis, which husband and I helped bail them out of (we were paid back) so my mother could go to assisted living. Fast forward almost a year; sister is re-established on her own and doing great (she's SO much happier and I could not be more proud of the hard work she's done. And she DID take good care of my parents while there, and yes, we did help all of of them for a bit financially). Mom is in her second assisted living because her needs have grown and she is now wheelchair-bound (lots of it is panic over fear of falling, but that's a whole other issue).

I have plans to go visit for a week or two shortly. Haven't told my mother yet. My little dog is old and has been off his game food-wise. I'm taking him in to vet Monday (he's eating, just being picky). To be honest, I'd rather say home with the dog and not go if he's not well. He's very attached to me and while my husband will take great care of him, he will definitely be depressed while I am gone. Dog cannot fly with me per vet, given his health issues. To be honest, if he passed over the winter, I would have already been in the car driving cross-country and staying for a month or two. It really IS all about the dog because our other one had to be put to sleep (cancer) while I was out helping with a previous crisis (there have been many) and I don't want that to happen again. Broke my heart the first time and can't have a repeat. When it's his time, I want him to go out at home with me holding him, if at all possible.

I'm tired of going out there, having to spend $$ on airfare, car, hotel, etc. It's a minimum 2K a trip. My mother always says she wants to come back with me and I would LOVE to have her in assisted living here. I don't care if I have to be over there every day for part of the day - she's not hard to be around. My job is flexible. But she's now saying she's afraid 'they will drop her when they transfer her to her first-class seat'. (Yes, I plan to make this trip easy for her). She's afraid of everything and that's tiring and stopping all progress. It's been like this for years. I'm taking this trip hoping my presence will encourage her to fly home with me, since my father has now passed. I have done my homework already about where she could live in this area.

In short, at what point do I just say "sorry, I'll face time unless you are committed to coming back as I am missing too much of my own life here"?

Don't leave your old dog!

Anonymous wrote:Hire a geriatric social worker or case manager to check in on them and you can facetime with her/him and facetime with your parents on a regular basis. Yes, go out and see your parents some, but you can decrease visits by hiring a professional. To be honest, the professional will be more efficient. The person has the training to know what is going on what is needed and is usually much better at convincing elderly to allow help, etc.

I totally disagree with the whole "you might resent the time you spend with your mom, but you won't regret it." I regret it. It did a lot of damage to my physical and mental health. I wish I had hired a professional much sooner and I am still dealing with serious health issues. I think I could still have loving feelings toward her despite her terrible behavior if I had stepped back sooner and allowed the professionals to take over everything.

Anonymous wrote:Having witnessed this many times in my family, at some point I think you have to let go of the I told you so feeling. You're right. But it's too late. And they're your parents. You don't need to sacrifice everything, but regular visits do matter. Please don't drop them entirely.

Anonymous wrote:Having witnessed this many times in my family, at some point I think you have to let go of the I told you so feeling. You're right. But it's too late. And they're your parents. You don't need to sacrifice everything, but regular visits do matter. Please don't drop them entirely.