Anonymous wrote:I'm in the same shoes and its definitely way more challenging than anyone who hasn't done it realizes. But suddenly we're on hospice care and its coming to an end. I'm sitting next to her right now as she sleeps. Try to enjoy some of it.

There is nothing to enjoy. They are not the same person.

Anonymous wrote:I'm in the same shoes and its definitely way more challenging than anyone who hasn't done it realizes. But suddenly we're on hospice care and its coming to an end. I'm sitting next to her right now as she sleeps. Try to enjoy some of it.

I’m sorry you have to go through this. Sending you wishes for peace.

OP

I'm in the same shoes and its definitely way more challenging than anyone who hasn't done it realizes. But suddenly we're on hospice care and its coming to an end. I'm sitting next to her right now as she sleeps. Try to enjoy some of it.

Anonymous wrote:Right there with you. I don't want to do it anymore after 6 years. Mother is in an assisted living place and getting needier and needier with Alzheimers. No other sibling nearby so it falls to me.

I have cut out all doctors appointments that aren't critical. I will take her to eye doctor once. year to get glasses, dentist, and audiologist for hearing aids. Not willing to do any other visit.

She has a general practitioner doctor who visits where she lives. She has referred her to a dermatologist for a growth on her hand that is not painful. If I had time I would go myself but I don't or take my teen for acne or my husband for skin tags. I am not doing any other visits because what is the point when she has moderate dementia unless she is in pain. It has been so exhausting.

I feel the same way.

A doctor comes to where she lives. I arrange dental appointments and that’s it. She doesn’t have hearing aids, and her glasses work. If she really needed something else, the main doctor would let us know.

Something has to give.

OP

Anonymous wrote:We have help and I’m grateful for that. I appreciate my parents saved money and can pay for their care.

There’s still so much to do with managing bills (not all can be on autopay), doctor’s appointments, taxes, finances, checking bank and credit cards, and so on.

Oh and taking a disabled person out or figuring out how to get them to family events, etc.

It’s a PT job.

I’m tired.

I know others have it worse so thanks for letting me vent.

Eldercare is a tougher job than childcare. Hugs and respect.

Anonymous wrote:I think this has been part of the unacknowledged women’s load for so long that no one is prepared for it and everyone just assumes it will be done by them on top of their other jobs and that really sucks

I'm a man and caretaking my mom is 100% my job - on top of everything else I do - because my sister lives thousands of miles away.

But all I have to do is think about all the things I do for my kids, and remember that when I was a kid, my mom did that for me.

I don't expect any "acknowledgement".

I think this has been part of the unacknowledged women’s load for so long that no one is prepared for it and everyone just assumes it will be done by them on top of their other jobs and that really sucks

Same here. I know eventually it will end.

Right there with you. I don't want to do it anymore after 6 years. Mother is in an assisted living place and getting needier and needier with Alzheimers. No other sibling nearby so it falls to me.

I have cut out all doctors appointments that aren't critical. I will take her to eye doctor once. year to get glasses, dentist, and audiologist for hearing aids. Not willing to do any other visit.

She has a general practitioner doctor who visits where she lives. She has referred her to a dermatologist for a growth on her hand that is not painful. If I had time I would go myself but I don't or take my teen for acne or my husband for skin tags. I am not doing any other visits because what is the point when she has moderate dementia unless she is in pain. It has been so exhausting.

Anonymous wrote:

Oh and taking a disabled person out or figuring out how to get them to family events, etc.

It’s a PT job.

I’m tired.

I know others have it worse so thanks for letting me vent.

I hear you. It’s exhausting. We took a family member in who was near death and we were told they had less than 2 years to live. With family care they have stabilized at a low level of functioning and we have surpassed the 2 years. It’s exhausting. The getting them out is one of the things I find most frustrating. It is so much work. And they always want to come to things where I want my attention to be elsewhere, eg special events for our kids.

I hear you OP. It is a lot! I find that because of all the logistics and necessary things, my time and visits are focused on "business" and not "visiting" or enjoying my family member's company. A few things help a little for me... 1) taking some time for myself and skipping a visit or call from time to time and 2) deciding the "stuff" can wait and ensuring I just "visit" every now and then, 3)reminding extended family to check in with calls/texts, especially pictures -- gives me a break from the "visiting" and something to talk about, 4) taking a few hours off from everything periodically (preferably when my family is at school/work) and relaxing (getting a pedicure, reading, watching tv)

Hang in there and take care of yourself, or you won't be able to care for your parents or your own family.

Many people do not realize just how time consuming managing an elderly or infirm parent can be. I was a SAHP with hopes of returning to work when my children were in school, but then my parent’s health took a nosedive and I found myself going to multiple medical appointments, dealing with insurance, assisted living, emergency hospital visits, etc. All of it was incompatible with working. I don’t think an employer would have been understanding.
Thank goodness my spouse was supportive or I don’t think my parent would have lived as long or had the quality of life that they did.
Aging in this country is hugely expensive and, even throwing money at the problem wasn’t enough to prevent me from having to be so involved. That said, I felt responsible to care for the parent who cared for me. I couldn’t just ignore them.

Anonymous wrote:You are allowed to vent. It definitely is a job. Give yourself grace.

Thank you.

OP

You are allowed to vent. It definitely is a job. Give yourself grace.

We have help and I’m grateful for that. I appreciate my parents saved money and can pay for their care.

There’s still so much to do with managing bills (not all can be on autopay), doctor’s appointments, taxes, finances, checking bank and credit cards, and so on.

Oh and taking a disabled person out or figuring out how to get them to family events, etc.

It’s a PT job.

I’m tired.

I know others have it worse so thanks for letting me vent.