OP, you said the visit is a way to make them feel important.

That is such a toxic spin to put on the normal human desire to matter . When you are old, weak and sick. No longer able to work or do much, of course you hope you are still important to the people you brought into this world and raised to adulthood, to your grandchildren. If you don’t matter to them…

You are now emotionally neglecting them.

Go to therapy.

I feel bad for your parents. Do you think it was always a joy ride to raise you? They stuck around and did the work.

How would you like it if your kids are like you when you are close to death.

Sad family . (And they are not the whole problem, though I believe you that they are partly to blame). But it would help you to get therapy.

Therapy, therapy, therapy. Your feelings are not wrong, but you're having a lot of them right now and it's worth it to process them.

I get it. You have to take care of your wounded inner child that needed love, care, and attention. Only after doing so can you maybe start seeing your parents with more compassion.

As a parent now myself, I can tell you there’s a lot of thankless work, responsibility, and costs a fortune to raise kids in the US. Many parents, as with many adults, are emotionally immature and have to figure out parenting by themselves with no village to help them. That doesn’t justify neglect or whatever else, but just maybe you can see it from another perspective.

As we age we become exaggerated versions of ourselves, OP. My tiny, cute grandmother, who had always had an active inner child, became a child. A happy one who was so excited to see my kids, and who clapped and sang with them. It was so heartwarming to see.

The nasty people get nastier. The worriers become consumed by worry (my father), the nonsensical ones become just one huge nonsense (my mother).

You need to hold on to any good, rational, kind and caring moments that your father and mother created, OP, so that when you have to do obligatory eldercare duties, as minimal as you want them to be, you won't cause yourself too much stress.

You need different types of therapy to remove your hate from your mind and body.

This is why your parents living close is better. Short visits that you control!

I feel this way about my mother. My father too, but he moved to a developing country and self-selected out of my life. My mother was emotionally neglectful, narcissistic, suicidal, punitive and cold growing up. My childhood was me being the parent and trying to meet her numerous emotional needs as a child, teen and now adult.

Recently, I found copies of many letters that she wrote to various people telling them what a problem, bad kid I was. This was a theme of hers. Something broke in me after reading them.

I am now stuck taking care of her, she is declining cognitively and I resent having to parent her again and having so much contact that I can't dictate. I do it, and am kind on the outside but on the inside I think I hate her. She was so destructive. It is some kind of mind f**k that I have to have so much interaction with her with no end in sight.

It's okay to feel everything you are feeling.

I can relate OP. it helped me to have radical acceptance. I cannot change the past. I cannot change them. There was abuse from my mother, it's horrible, it makes me furious and I cannot change that. All I can do is deal with the here and now. I make sure I break the cycle. I get therapy as needed. I also have major boundaries which includes not being under the same roof for very long. Are they independent enough for a hotel? If not, from now on you stay at a hotel if you visit them. Have strategies for dealing with the behaviors you hate. Keep meetings with them brief and reward yourself after.

Anonymous wrote:I feel exactly this way, and grew up in a household that was very damaging to me. I came to a point of rupture a while ago, and went no contact for two years. In that time, I felt relief, anger, but yes, mostly peace. At about the two year mark, I realized I wanted to know how my mother was. Not because I forgave anything, but because I realized that even though she had never really loved me, that I did love her, and would love her without expecting any change. But at that point, all expectations were gone. I wasn't meant to host them anymore, invite them to dinners, or any of it. I set the terms, and they are very limited. I will visit, but I will never stay with them, and I will let them know I am leaving at a certain time. I don't rely on them for transportation, for lodging, or anything. It works fine now. It's okay not to host them.

This is really key for dealing with somebody with a personality disorder. Three hours is enough and do not let them have any leverage over you.

OP don't host them anymore. Come up with a white lie (house is being painted, I have to go to bed early for a business trip, etc etc etc).

My mom is the narc and my dad is the doormat.

I have PTSD from obstetric violence/trauma and my therapist wants to start eye movement desensitization and reprocessing with childhood trauma. I haven't scheduled another appointment since. Reluctant to open old wounds.

I feel exactly this way, and grew up in a household that was very damaging to me. I came to a point of rupture a while ago, and went no contact for two years. In that time, I felt relief, anger, but yes, mostly peace. At about the two year mark, I realized I wanted to know how my mother was. Not because I forgave anything, but because I realized that even though she had never really loved me, that I did love her, and would love her without expecting any change. But at that point, all expectations were gone. I wasn't meant to host them anymore, invite them to dinners, or any of it. I set the terms, and they are very limited. I will visit, but I will never stay with them, and I will let them know I am leaving at a certain time. I don't rely on them for transportation, for lodging, or anything. It works fine now. It's okay not to host them.

My spouse has a lot of anger towards his parents, and they are very dysfunctional people who are responsible for plenty of issues my spouse has. But at the end of the day, he is only hurting himself. They are old, sick, and won’t change at this point, or even acknowledge their responsibility for anything negative that happened. My spouse will never go to therapy but you should.

OP, while I don’t feel the way you do right now, I’ve heard people say and admit to feeling similar ways. It makes me think that—just like when teens are ready to leave the nest and there’s conflict and drama and tears—this is part of nature’s way of preparing you for their death. Imagine how hard it would be if parents were always ripped away in their 40s, 50s, 60s when things were still better. I think when people get to be of an advanced age, there are natural processes that make it both easier for them to let go of life, and for their loved ones to be ready for them to go.

I’m sorry you are feeling this way. I do think there’s some natural order stuff at work here, if that gives you any kind of comfort or sense of belonging.

They have been visiting for nearly a week on account of my daughter’s high school graduation. They are both old — mid 80s — and in poor health. I feel terrible about this because they are not bad people, but I hate having them visit. I feel it is an intrusion on my space, I feel stuck, I resent them, and all I want is for them to leave and never come back (and I’ll make sure of it). This visit is a way for them to feel important and feel seen. But I feel used. I’m 54 and and I am finally seeing my parents for the very damaged people that they are. I see how they hurt me as a child by neglecting me emotionally. I think my dad is a kind of narcissist — everything has to be about him, he’ll do anything for attention and adulation. His relentless focus on himself and his insatiable desire to get his needs met deprived me of being heard and being seen as a child. My mom is rather pathetic, sitting there passively, waiting to be told what to do. She’s always been that way. She will not be around much longer. I feel like I should have some kind of meaningful conversation with her but I can’t fathom what to say. I have nothing to say. Even if I did, I wouldn’t be able to get the words out. We don’t have that kind of relationship. I hate myself for feeling this way — couldn’t I be more compassionate at this stage in their lives, I keep telling myself — but the truth is that I don’t want to be. I’ve had it with them. They repulse me. This sucks but there you have it. Does anyone else feel this way?