I hate hugging. I would have HATED my parents for making me feel bad about it. Don't be needy. Grow up.

DH got overly emotional recently over DD pulling away slightly and it really upset her. She is otherwise a great kid except for this one issue.

I haven't gotten a chance to talk to him and tell him that he needs to cool it. He's the adult and guilt tripping her about some small boundary she put up is not how we want her to grow up. Even if why she is pulling away doesn't make sense to us, she is using her growing autonomy to decide on a personal boundary. Letting her know that she is allowed to have boundaries is more important than any hurt feelings we have. We will want her to have this ability in her future relationships. Do we really want some romantic partner in the future to guilt trip her into backing down from her personal choices.

Time for the mom and dad in our house to put on their big kid pants and realize we are the adults and need to be emotionally stable, because a teenage is certainly not in the same position as we are.

I actually mean this nicely — but the two of you are too much alike. She is WAY overreacting to what you said about the spider. And you are now WAY overreacting to her not wanting to hug you and castigating yourself for no reason. Let it go. This kid needs to gain some resilience and possibly needs exposure therapy for the spiders. You need to not be so upset by a kid.

Anonymous wrote:Echoing the above. Sounds like you need to connect without hugs for a while, just to re-establish your connection. What does she enjoy doing? Can you make a special effort to spend time with just her? No lovey dicey stuff or emotional talk; just DOINg stuff that is enjoyable together. No nagging. No pressure.

++1
I went through the same stage with dd and was really worried about our relationships and her views that I was disappointed in her. It was awful at first but I calmed down, accepted it and just reconnected with activities and encouragement. Just do stuff together and know it will take patient effort to turn the ship around. If I could go back in time, I'd tell myself to chill and just be more accepting because it feels like a long time but it will pass.

Lay off the hugs. Hit the spider with a shoe, sorry spider. I put them outside if I can but she's not going to watch something she's phobic about.
Get spider traps. Put them all over. Amazon has them.
PS closed doors don't stop them.

A spider free house is not possible and she can’t grow up avoiding anything that scares her. I recommend the podcast clusterflux. She talks a lot about how avoiding things that make kids anxious makes the anxiety so much worse.

You need to back off. Apologizing and guilt tripping her is not going to get very far. She's a pre teen who doesn't want to hug her mom. It is pretty common. You're acting like it is the end of the world and she hates you and is never going to have a relationship with you again. Tone it WAY down.

Honestly OP, you're being wayyyyyyyy too dramatic over this. She's a moody tween. You need to just let things roll of your back more.

She sounds manipulative. You didn’t do anything wrong. The spider incident was mild and several months ago. Just give her some space now, but don’t beat yourself up or keep apologizing for this

This spider thing happened a year ago?

Oh man, it sounds like you’ve been patient with her for so much of the time that any time you’re imperfect she takes it as an attack. We can’t win with kids!

I would apologize that she was hurt by the spider incident, but I would explain to her that it will happen again and it’s not a personal attack. You’re not perfect and she doesn’t have to be either.

I would also stop trying to fix everything for her. The spider thing makes me think your always running around making sure she’s “happy”—that is clearly impossible. It’s time you take a step back and have her solve her own problems, she’s definitely old enough. If spiders cause her that much stress, you could suggest a therapy session or 2 to talk about it. Ask her how she can solve the problems when you aren’t around. She needs to develop more grit and resilience.

GL. This stage is hard.

Uh lay off the hugs and I personally wouldn't feel guilty for scolding. Your kid sounds anxious and also manipulative - time for you to stop being needy and give her somw boundaries.

Echoing the above. Sounds like you need to connect without hugs for a while, just to re-establish your connection. What does she enjoy doing? Can you make a special effort to spend time with just her? No lovey dicey stuff or emotional talk; just DOINg stuff that is enjoyable together. No nagging. No pressure.

Ugh this is a terrible stage she’s in. It’s like the stage where you’re convinced everyone is looking and talking about you. Tell her just because you get frustrated in the moment it doesn’t mean you don’t love her.

We used to be so close. Plenty of hugs. She was told she was loved daily. She's 12 but for the past year she hasn't wanted to hug me. In fact, she recoils if she even thinks I'm coming to close to her. She says "Personal space, please!" Today i reached out to hug her because of a special milestone she reached and she recoiled as if I was some random stranger on the street. It deeply hurt me. Now - before you reply to tell me its common among tweens and teens to act this way....
We talked about it and she said she didn't think we were close anymore because she didn't think I liked her and she's uncomfortable with me now. I asked why. She said it was over an incident that occurred over a new phobia she developed of spiders. She is so deathly afraid of spiders that she will not sleep for hours if she finds a spider in her bedroom. So I have learned that I have to make sure our house is absolutely spider free. But we have a house that's settling and developing cracks. Plus family members leave doors open too long sometimes. Spiders get in. It happens. She found a spider in her bedroom when she was in bed getting read to go to sleep. She called for me. I asked her to keep an eye on it while I went to get a plastic bag and cup to catch it. I returned just 1 minute later and she tells me she couldn't watch it because she was too upset. So now that spider was anywhere in her room and she was convinced it was going to bite her while she was sleeping. She refused to sleep. It was now late and I am a low energy mother with a chronic illness. I just lost my cool. I scolded her, "Well you should have been watching the spider. It's all I asked you to do! But you couldn't even do that!" I am so sorry I said that. I should have been understanding and patient. But she perceived that as yelling and could tell I was so angry that felt I didn't like her anymore. She said there was another incident like this a few months prior to this and she said my reaction made her feel I just don't like her.
I am so exhausted with my illness that i don't have that patience sometimes. It takes too much energy to figure out why one incident like that warrants a complete breakdown of trust and connectedness between us. Please help me understand. What can I do now and how can I be close to my daughter again?