Anonymous wrote:My brother hasn’t visited my mother in the nursing home for six months. My dad died in January and we had the reading of the will and it appears that he concluded that he gets the same amount on my mothers death no matter how he behaves so why show up and be kind and help? She keeps asking for him. It’s horrible. Also wondering if there is a pattern where women step up and men don’t.

I have older brothers. They assumed in every case that I was responsible for my abusive mother. They never concerned themselves with planning for her care because they assumed I would take care of all of it. We are not close and I have spent my adult life distancing myself from all of them. She and my brothers are misogynists. Women are considered a lower class and I was treated as less than from the first moments of my life. They all also assume I am responsible for my brothers as well. They treated me like hired help my entire life. Once I got married and had a family and therapy I put a stop to this. I am that sibling you are all complaining about. I continued to help my mother through her last surgery but that was it. Her sisters my aunts, are furious that I am not constantly flying states away to visit her even though she is in good health and having no problems. Even though they know about the abuse, they expect me to be there for her all the time. I tried multiple times to discuss planning for her care for over a decade. The oldest brothers took over and have never included me in a single discussion.

My case is not that rare. I know several other women dealing with similar attitudes. I speak up for those siblings you are trashing here. I know lots of people who will minimize the abuse that occurred in their families. You think that sibling should just step up and be a part of the team when they never were before. To you I say, go stuff it.

Lots of men were raised with the belief that women exist to care for them and not vice versa. It doesn't surprise me, since sexism is alive and well in 2024, that everyone is still making the sexist assumption that the daughters in the family should be primary care takers.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother hasn’t visited my mother in the nursing home for six months. My dad died in January and we had the reading of the will and it appears that he concluded that he gets the same amount on my mothers death no matter how he behaves so why show up and be kind and help? She keeps asking for him. It’s horrible. Also wondering if there is a pattern where women step up and men don’t.

It's not always a gender divide, but women doing invisible labor vs men doing what they want is absolutely part of this.

I get the invisible labor thing, but I don't understand *why* people don't want to show up for their loved ones. Or do they just not care? I can't imagine just ignoring my elderly parents. It's not difficult to visit someone for a few hours. My DH was very helpful to his mom until she died. It's so weird to me that people act this way.

Anonymous wrote:My brother hasn’t visited my mother in the nursing home for six months. My dad died in January and we had the reading of the will and it appears that he concluded that he gets the same amount on my mothers death no matter how he behaves so why show up and be kind and help? She keeps asking for him. It’s horrible. Also wondering if there is a pattern where women step up and men don’t.

It's not always a gender divide, but women doing invisible labor vs men doing what they want is absolutely part of this.

Anonymous wrote:My brother hasn’t visited my mother in the nursing home for six months. My dad died in January and we had the reading of the will and it appears that he concluded that he gets the same amount on my mothers death no matter how he behaves so why show up and be kind and help? She keeps asking for him. It’s horrible. Also wondering if there is a pattern where women step up and men don’t.

Nah, I have a sister who is too self centered to help. Of course in our case, our parents don't have much money. But what they do have will all be coming to me (despite the fact we do not need it and sister definately does)---simply because most will be a "loan repayment" for the entry fee we paid so parents could live in a very nice CCRC 3K miles from me. They didn't want to move closer and I wanted them to be well taken care of from a distance, so we ponied up the $$$. At this point, my "loan repayment" will likely not even be fully met, so sibling will get nothing.

Anonymous wrote:Is it wrong to think less of, or even dislike your sibling who has amply time and opportunity, but who just can’t be bothered to lift a finger to help an aging and infirm parent? I mean literally, just does nothing at all and couldn’t care less. Would it be justifiable to just not like that sibling anymore?

Yes definately acceptable.

Have a similar sibling. We all live 1K-3K from parents. I do all the helping. Sibling works job and gets summers off (no summer job). 8 years ago, parents were visiting me, one fell and broke hip, after 2 weeks with me we had a vacation planned (and could not cancel---had to pay for it all), sibling refused to come and assist (despite me offering to pay all expenses, they just had to come for 5 days)---sibling had no job commitment, just their own "personal activities". So I had to cancel vacation and take care of parent. They refused to help their own parents.

That was the final straw in difficult dealings with that sibling. Parents know I'm the one responsible for helping them and know that kid wont do anything. I no longer talk to that sibling. Sick of them being so self centered and ungrateful (it was years leading up to this, this was just the final---WTF moment of them being unwilling to help).

So yes, it's perfectly acceptable to cut people out of your life who add no value and only add extra stress.

Maybe you find it helpful to vent, but I found it just made me more angry. I finally had to look at my own life, what I could handle and what boundaries I needed. I am glad I went above and beyond for dad and I feel good about that. I don't really think that often about the fact my sister started to be in his life more just in time to make sure she got her piece of the pie. I focus on the fact I got to show my love and be there for him.

Mom is different-more volatile and mean-spirited. I figured out my limits. I don't even think it means she gets worse care. I think it's better for her to get more from strangers trained to deal with her to than to let her use me as a verbal punching bag. It doesn't matter that my sister gets away with being lazy and gets better treatment from mom anymore because I am not over my limit. I can accept it without any more resentment. If I were overextending myself it would be different.

Now if it helps you to vent and analyze and call your sibling names and commiserate on here then have at it. Do what you need to do to cope. I just found for me it brought me down even more. Boundaries were my solution.

My brother hasn’t visited my mother in the nursing home for six months. My dad died in January and we had the reading of the will and it appears that he concluded that he gets the same amount on my mothers death no matter how he behaves so why show up and be kind and help? She keeps asking for him. It’s horrible. Also wondering if there is a pattern where women step up and men don’t.

I have one brother like this, and his behavior toward our MM is consistent with his behavior generally: self-indulgnt,: self-absorbed and self-congratulatory. I'd hoped he'd rise to the occasion when things got worse, but that hasn't happened, and I finally accepted that it isn't going to

Anonymous wrote:I have one sibling who is unmarried, no kids, no pets, no partner, same job 20 plus years and had been living on the same coast (2 hr drive) from my mother. I had to move her across the country because he was unwilling to do anything between twice yearly visit for a half day. (Mom has alzheimers). Now he calls approximately every 2 months and chats for 15 minutes.

He is a 10 min drive from our dad, and similarly does nothing. Dad, who has parkinsons, is married but even his wife can't do it all (she's 80 as well). Meanwhile, I am juggling family, kids, job with travel, spouse who also is caring for his mom, and I coordinate all my mom's care, do all her finances, and am with her 3x/week usually either to the doctor or dropping by after work or taking her out for something. I even manage her rental property from afar. I honestly can't do anything for my dad, I'm too stretched thin, and he's too far.

The thing is my sibling is on the spectrum, its not even really coming from a place of laziness or self-centeredness, its that he really has never understood that other people have needs and part of being in a relationship and caring about someone is doing things for them. He's also highly stressed by any emotional demands, so is more than happy to abdicate it all to me. Of course, my mother complains that she never sees the grandkids (my kids) and she'll call me and tell me she's lonely/bored/etc, and expect me to spend even more time with her, but as for my brother "oh he's so busy." I'm like...with what?!!!

That’s the exact dynamic except that my sister isn’t on the spectrum.

I have one sibling who is unmarried, no kids, no pets, no partner, same job 20 plus years and had been living on the same coast (2 hr drive) from my mother. I had to move her across the country because he was unwilling to do anything between twice yearly visit for a half day. (Mom has alzheimers). Now he calls approximately every 2 months and chats for 15 minutes.

He is a 10 min drive from our dad, and similarly does nothing. Dad, who has parkinsons, is married but even his wife can't do it all (she's 80 as well). Meanwhile, I am juggling family, kids, job with travel, spouse who also is caring for his mom, and I coordinate all my mom's care, do all her finances, and am with her 3x/week usually either to the doctor or dropping by after work or taking her out for something. I even manage her rental property from afar. I honestly can't do anything for my dad, I'm too stretched thin, and he's too far.

The thing is my sibling is on the spectrum, its not even really coming from a place of laziness or self-centeredness, its that he really has never understood that other people have needs and part of being in a relationship and caring about someone is doing things for them. He's also highly stressed by any emotional demands, so is more than happy to abdicate it all to me. Of course, my mother complains that she never sees the grandkids (my kids) and she'll call me and tell me she's lonely/bored/etc, and expect me to spend even more time with her, but as for my brother "oh he's so busy." I'm like...with what?!!!

I don't think I know anyone who does nothing all day and has ample time, but regardless, even if that is the case, the only thing you can do is figure out what you can handle and have your own boundaries. You don't get to control others. I spent a lot of money in therapy to learn to accept my sister was not only dead weight, but would be an additional burden if I let her. Life became much better with boundaries and outsourcing-lots of outsourcing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please see the other toxic thread re this exact scenario.

Where? Can’t see it

^ found it

Anonymous wrote:Please see the other toxic thread re this exact scenario.

Where? Can’t see it

Please see the other toxic thread re this exact scenario.

Is it wrong to think less of, or even dislike your sibling who has amply time and opportunity, but who just can’t be bothered to lift a finger to help an aging and infirm parent? I mean literally, just does nothing at all and couldn’t care less. Would it be justifiable to just not like that sibling anymore?