Anonymous wrote:OP here-- I think my issue is that I'm deeply unhappy either way. If I say yes, I'm unhappy and stressed/overworked. If I say no, they're angry at me which isn't great to manage either and it does cause problems elsewhere. For instance, if I say no to nanny, she might quit. But her working extra really ruins my own plans that I had already scheduled for the kids and I, not to mention that it's 1k more a month that I could spend on my kids.

Tell your nanny now that you've tried it, it's not working out for you and and are going to cut back her hours. If you're fine getting a new nanny anyway it doesn't matter if she quits, right? Take back that thou$and and the time with your kids.

You have to reframe your boundaries as what you need in order to maintain a long term relationship where you are not resentful. The other person is allowed not to accept those boundaries and leave. That doesn’t change what you need.

Right now, you are thinking of quitting your job, quitting the PTA, pulling your daughter out of Girl Scouts, and firing your nanny. You have to decide for yourself what exactly you would need in order to stay in these things and relatively happy (what you might need from the PTA might be different from what you need from your boss), and then you have to inform other people when they push against your needs.

I heard Marsh Linehan (famed for her treatment of borderline personality disorder) say at a talk that she once told one of her patients that if they called her on her free time, they had to at least pretend that she had helped them. If they ended the call saying that she wasn’t helpful, then she would be resentful about the call and would start to have thoughts that she didn’t want to answer when they called again.

We’ve all been there, OP, and we’ve all been burned. You have to remember that it’s on you to figure out what you need and then inform other people. It’s not on them to guess.

*you probably have some childhood stuff where you think it’s totally reasonable to guess what people want based on tiny facial expressions and inflection in tone. And you are probably really good at it. But most people aren’t raised that way.

That other people will be unhappy when you say no is their problem, not yours.

This is a REALLY hard pattern to break and I think you need to do a lot of inner work to course correct. It will take time and effort. But it's so worth it!

I recommend starting with this book. I also worked with a therapist on it. For me the biggest thing was being comfortable with others' emotional discomfort.

https://www.amazon.com/Set-Boundaries-Find-Peace-Reclaiming/dp/B08MWS22YT/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2H7FZAV4VOIP2&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.p6Ctn0RNaLxPr8xoehxdBwB2QGCg8UWXrrrr8lRx-3DH8SmF2cJiJYbFc-5OPCfIiKSbpBTRIMApXTI3URWwL_0O0LIuKsnm8VU3-Qtz17ROrqI_VX3OhgpB_dFxn2ZUr7nD3repHzw3bTZJClqIagOANqwERsa2JTohlwqsqtkizLqABM27fYJ-9HlWgUnkbCHnmHYkTdGpsVvxbcW74uitnWx3cYmGeA_j7bIpKt4.liYqibkIc0lCJOA_gnUQ99VWiLDPb13B6jaHwglNpOk&dib_tag=se&keywords=set+boundaries+find+peace+book&qid=1717178379&sprefix=set+boundaries%2Caps%2C100&sr=8-1

Look into people pleasing, child hood trauma, reparenting work. It likely has something to do with one or both of your care providers not letting you really express yourself safely. This is long term.

For short term look up and write up scripts for yourself in certain scenarios. Rehears and prepare. Notice physical sensations that come up when you try to express yourself and take that to the longer term work.

Start with something like “I need to think about that.”

Later on you will get closer to “that won’t work for me, but thanks for asking.”

1) Decide you are brave enough to face potential conflict with these people (probably won’t happen, but it might. Any push back might feel like conflict to you due to your anxiety.).

2)Decide that you will not explain, complain, argue or negotiate. “No, thank you.” is a complete sentence. Say it when you mean it and don’t feel like you need to justify or reason about it to anyone. Giving reasons just opens you up to someone trying to argue you out of your feelings, and if they are more dominant/persistent than you, you will give in.

Anonymous wrote:OP here-- I think my issue is that I'm deeply unhappy either way. If I say yes, I'm unhappy and stressed/overworked. If I say no, they're angry at me which isn't great to manage either and it does cause problems elsewhere. For instance, if I say no to nanny, she might quit. But her working extra really ruins my own plans that I had already scheduled for the kids and I, not to mention that it's 1k more a month that I could spend on my kids.

For the nanny situation, why don't you tell her that you tried it out and it does not work for you? Tell her to choose between her previous schedule or if she prefers separating from her employment and that is fine as well.

And don't fire your nanny if you like her. Just tell her you made a mistake and don't really need her for that extra day, so you are going to scale it back after 2 weeks (or whatever)

Anonymous wrote:If the previous replies are too confrontational for you, say, “I’ll have to get back to you about X.” Think it over and decline by text

Never say yes or no right away. "I'll have to check with my family" gives you some time to think about it (whether or not you actually check with your family).

OP here-- I think my issue is that I'm deeply unhappy either way. If I say yes, I'm unhappy and stressed/overworked. If I say no, they're angry at me which isn't great to manage either and it does cause problems elsewhere. For instance, if I say no to nanny, she might quit. But her working extra really ruins my own plans that I had already scheduled for the kids and I, not to mention that it's 1k more a month that I could spend on my kids.

If the previous replies are too confrontational for you, say, “I’ll have to get back to you about X.” Think it over and decline by text

I'm used to be like you. Take time to think about it. Start collecting noes. Write them up.

Anonymous wrote:“Sorry, that’s not possible”

“Sorry not this time”

The other person will be unhappy. You will be uncomfortable because they are unhappy with you. It’s okay. Push through and still refuse.

“Sorry, that’s not possible”

“Sorry not this time”

Does anyone have any advice for a pushover? I have an accommodating personality and it does make me happy often to do things for others. I’m also a hardworker and helpful. It leads to resentment from me though and makes me angry at the other person when it’s not their fault. I say no often but my first impulse is to always say yes and it gets me in trouble. I’m sure there’s anxiety mixed in here too because I ruminate on it way too much.

A few things that bothered me recently-
-I have always worked long hours at work and do the work of 1.5 people. My workload has become untenable recently and I asked for another FTE. My boss doesn’t see it though because I’ve worked too hard to make it work. Clearly I’ve taken on too much. I have more work than I could do in 120 hours a week. I don’t even see how my team can scale back without absolutely everything falling apart on us.

- nanny asked for an extra day a week to work. I said yes but I didn’t want it. I enjoy taking the kids to activities on that day. I had really been looking forward to it and I’m also bitter about the extra cost. Why did I say yes?! This one bothers me a lot and I’m debating letting her go instead and getting someone different.

- got voluntold by both Girl Scouts and the PTA for activities that I didn’t have time for.